Hello. My name is John Kerry and I'm running for President...I think. Please
consider my qualifications as set forth in the following resume.
RÉSUMÉ OF JOHN F. KERRY
RESIDENCE:
a.. Seven mansions, including Washington DC, worth multi-millions.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
College:
a.. I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
b.. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did
not get admitted to Harvard or graduate with an M.B.A
Military:
a.. I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the
military and service in Vietnam. I then returned to the US, joined Jane
Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming
they committed atrocities and were baby killers.
b.. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My
book "Vietnam Veterans against the War: The New Soldier" shows how I truly
feel about the military.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
a.. I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since.
b.. I have no real world experience except marrying rich women and running
HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS US SENATOR:
a.. I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even
Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.
b.. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting
against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself.
c.. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to
admit that I voted for it.
d.. I voted in favor of every liberal piece of legislation.
e.. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes
significantly if I am elected. I make no or little charitable contributions
and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite
family wealth in excess of $700 million.
f.. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my
career as a US Senator.
g.. I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion,
thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.
h.. Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted
Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it
might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yacht.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
a.. None.
PERSONAL
a.. My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he
will never catch up.
b.. I ride a Serotta bicycle ($2000-$6500).
c.. My Gulfstream V Jet I call "The Flying Squirrel."
d.. I named my $850,000 42 foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the
"Scarmouche.."
e.. I don't own and SUVs but my family does, including one parked at my
Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient
vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.
f.. I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and you had better listen to it as
it reflects our real culture.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
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