Vera's Story
- for you -
I am addressing myself to you, as I know you are open-minded
and good-humoured, and will not condemn me for things that I really did
not know better at that time. The following is really a quite crazy
story and nothing for people who don't believe there might be something
outside of the world that is revealed to us over our senses. But it
might be interesting for you, as I know you really want to find out
about the secrets that make up what we call "life".
I had to find out that our senses actually grant us only a
rather small, restricted access to our world, and I found this out after
I had dealt with all those things that science can offer to us
extensively.
Weird enough, in retrospective I know that God has never
really left me, and I do not know why. He must love me very much. To say
that in advance - God is everything for me. It IS a love affair (but
nothing sexual as someone thought here).
I would also like to apologize to you in advance, dear
readers, if you cannot follow my thoughts, as several things have
become so normal to my way of thinking that I sometimes forget that you
might not understand me, because you have not experienced what I have
experienced. It is so much enclosed in my ideology that I might not
notice. In this case do not hesitate to ask me about more details.
When I was born, there was Mummy and Daddy, my sister Angel
and my brother Michael (names changed). My father had been a Roman
Catholic before he dared to marry my mother, who was a Protestant - so
he was excommunicated from the church, and church never used to be a
subject at home. But when my brother became 14, he was confirmed at the
Lutheran State's Church. At that time I was five, and I started to
become interested in God and went to Sunday church - alone - as often as
I could to listen to the Gospel. I could not get enough of that. Weird,
I cannot really remember that my sister was confirmed, too, but she must
have been. Maybe they did not want to take me there - I was a very vivid
child, you see.
I went to school and found out that I knew more than others.
The first day I went there I told my mother afterwards that two girls
one row in front of me would stay down. I was right with that. This kind
of intuitive knowledge about people should follow me for the rest of my
life. I know who people are after they say some sentences. Too bad -
this intuition never worked when I tried to find a partner, however.
I loved to learn at school, especially in the first years.
We were rather poor in post-war Germany, there were no flats, and so we
lived in a small flat with two rooms only. I did not even own a bed of
my own, but I did not mind much, as I could choose where to sleep at
night. I loved to sleep in my father's bed. My father and me, we were a
big team, maybe because I did not know what was wrong with him. He was a
gambler, and our family was burdened with his addiction. My parents both
smoked, my mother had to work full-time, and I was a child that was more
in the way than anything else, I guess. My sister did not like me,
because she often had to look after me when she rather wanted to go out
with friends.
I learned to play alone, and as we lived in the town's
centre, there was not much to do for me. I was a child that loved to be
outside, and it was a pain for me if I had to stay in all day when it
rained. I did not need much - no toys, just some stones or screws or
maybe a tree to climb on - that could make me happy. Weird, I had no
playmates, but in my fantasy there were always some around me.
But there were some children where my grandmother lived.
There was Kaethe who told me there was no God. Oh, you should have seen
me how much I tried to explain that to her... "Look", I said, "all is
from God. Just take a table, and see that it is made of wood, and wood
is from trees, and trees - where do they come from? They are there, but
God made them. Everything there is comes from God!" Kaethe did not
really believe me, but had no better answer, either.
There were other children there, but I was not allowed to
play with them. They played some "doctor games", and one day I did not
obey my granny and played with them, but in the end I was angry about
them for a reason I cannot remember anymore, and so I went to my granny
and told her about the games the children were playing there. Weird,
somehow I knew that this was not really allowed. My granny said, "Oh
dear, don't ever go with them - if you do, God will not give you any
children one day."
That was hard. She did not know what she had done by telling
me such a nonsense, and it should follow me throughout the years to
come. I knew: God would never give me any children.
I must have been the same age when my brother had said that
if things would continue the way they did, there would be another World
War within the next five years. Oh dear - my brother was so intelligent,
and I never doubted that he was right. This and all the stories my
granny had told about World War II... They had been bombed out twice. My
grandfather did not have to fight in the army, because his father had
died in World War I and he had to care for his mother. He was not liked
much by the Nazis because he had not become a member in their party. But
he was responsible for the distribution of materials to build houses or
for coal and such things, because he worked for the town. This brought
him incarnation later, and he was kept single in a cell first, and in a
camp. But in the end he was fully rehabilitated by the American
investigators, but he never really recovered from the time in prison.
I will also never forget the story my granny told me about
the horse she found in the street. It had been burned and black after a
bombing night. I loved horses so much. I think I would have died for
this horse if I could have made it alive again by that. My heart was
crying over that story, and I could hardly think of it without feeling
the pain. And the idea of another war had kept me - and I started to
pray in the evenings in bed, night after night, and nobody knew. I had
so much fear, and I prayed that God might help me to sleep. I could not
sleep, but always had to think about the horse and the war, and that I
would never get children and was a very bad child. One day I made up my
mind that I would go to our "Bundeskanzler" in case a war was ahead, and
tell him that this would be very bad, and that he should not allow this
to happen. I wanted to convince him personally, and beg him not to allow
this...
I am not sure, but maybe my prayers were heard. There has
not been another World War, and I am still praying for that. Maybe if we
all do...
When I was about eight, we moved to a suburb where I was
very happy. Though I was alone very often, I did not mind that much. I
spent most of the time outside in the wood, preferably at a secret place
I called the "Quelle" - the "Fountain".
One day after a night at my granny's place (my grandfather
had died when I was five, and I had not met my father's parents at all)
she said we would go home by tram. I loved to go by tram, and so I
whistled on the way, and sang songs. But my granny stopped me, and told
me to be quiet. We came home, and all the family was there. I knew
something was very wrong. I missed my father... But nobody really told
me what had happened. After a while I could guess... he had died. I was
eleven then. About half a year later my granny died as well.
So I was in touch with death rather early. I did not really
believe the people were dead. I knew they were not, they were just not
there anymore, and that was bitter. I did not ask God then.
Things changed a little. My father was not there anymore,
and my mother had not thought of denying the heritage, and so all the
debitors came and wanted money from her. But there was no money, and she
offered to pay them all back in small sums, and they all accepted that.
She had to work a lot, and I was alone at home, and after a while she
dated again, and so I was also alone at night. I led a very free life,
and freedom still means much to me.
When I was 13 my mother had met a man who should become
my step-father. He was very rich, and we had a better life then. He
drank a lot, and this was a problem, but somehow we got along well. They
married when I was 15, and he always wanted to adopt me, but my mother
was too just. She did not allow that, or he would have had to adopt my
sister and my brother as well, but they had a family of their own at
that time already, so my step-father denied that.
My "terrible teens" were really terrible. I had
started to smoke at 13, and I always had a heart-ache because I fell in
love with the wrong boys all the time. Many liked me, but I did not like
them, and vice versa. Tears, tears, tears...
My mother got a heavy heart attack when I was 17, and
that dominated her life - and ours - from then on. We travelled a lot. I
am glad that I could visit so many places in the world. I was in Israel,
in Egypt, in Spain, Bulgaria, Yugoslavia, Italy, Austria, Greece...
Then I had a boy-friend who was a little older than
me. He lived in the village where we had a caravan, and one day I got a
call at home. A friend told me that my boy-friend had had a horrible
accident. He had been in a car driven by someone who had drunk and no
driving license when the police wanted to stop him. But the driver
preferred to speed up - and crashed into the wall of a house. My
boy-friend was dead at once, I was told. I saw this driver two weeks
later drinking again at a pub as if nothing had happened.
I had really loved George - that was his name, and I swore
never ...
--
Most of my quotes are from:
http://www.carm.org/doctrine.htm http://www.carm.org/cults.htm
http://www.carm.org/apologetics.htm http://www.carm.org/seekers.htm
http://www.carm.org/atheism.htm http://www.carm.org/boards.htm
http://www.apologeticsindex.org/ http://www.christianquotes.org/
http://bible.gospelcom.net/ Let no one be found among you
who sacrifices his son or daughter in [a] the fire, who practices divination
or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who
is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead. Deut 18:10
http://www.christiananswers.net/
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