| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"P A Abeles" |
| Date: |
15 Jan 2004 04:25:17 PM |
| Object: |
A Jewish atheist joke |
The old joke about the striving Jewish parents who send their son to an
elite Catholic school pretty much captures the situation. The boy comes home
one day and shocks his parents with an animated discussion of the Catholic
trinity. At which point his father sits him down and sets him straight,
"Son, there is only one God, and we don' believe in Him."
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| User: "Passerby" |
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| Title: Re: A Jewish atheist joke |
15 Jan 2004 07:36:23 PM |
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My favorite one is about a Jewish kid who misbehaved and got kicked out of
every Jewish school around.
Eventually the parents ran out of options and placed him in a christian
school where suddenly he became a top student. When asked why he told that
as soon as he entered the building he saw another Jew nailed to the cross on
the wall and figured that around here they mean business.
"P A Abeles" <nospampaabeles@bigpond.com> wrote in message
news:hrENb.13898$Wa.1608@news-server.bigpond.net.au...
The old joke about the striving Jewish parents who send their son to an
elite Catholic school pretty much captures the situation. The boy comes
home
one day and shocks his parents with an animated discussion of the Catholic
trinity. At which point his father sits him down and sets him straight,
"Son, there is only one God, and we don' believe in Him."
.
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| User: "Mike Painter" |
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| Title: Re: A Jewish atheist joke |
16 Jan 2004 12:29:58 AM |
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"Passerby" <p_a_s_s_e_r_b_y@skynet.net> wrote in message
news:reHNb.230416$Vu5.17079104@twister.southeast.rr.com...
My favorite one is about a Jewish kid who misbehaved and got kicked out of
every Jewish school around.
Eventually the parents ran out of options and placed him in a christian
school where suddenly he became a top student. When asked why he told that
as soon as he entered the building he saw another Jew nailed to the cross
on
the wall and figured that around here they mean business.
Drifting into the christian side.
A young man decides to devote his life to god and joins a monastery. Upon
his arrival, he is given an orientation, speak quietly, respect your elders,
the importance of celibacy, etc. One of his first tasks is to make copies of
the bible by hand. So he sits down with dozens of others and begins writing.
Shortly after beginning his work he grows concerned and summons an elder.
"Father, we are copying copies, what if we make a mistake? What if someone
already made a mistake and we repeat it? What happened to the original
book?" the young man wonders.
Confidently, the father replies:
"My son, it's been locked up for protection, but I see your point. If it
will allay your fears, I shall get the original and verify the accuracy of
our master copy."
A while later, the young priest grows concerned when the Father doesn't
return and sets off to find him. Upon entering the chamber where the
original is stored, he finds the Father crying and banging his head on the
table. When the father realizes that the young priest is present, he looks
up and sobs:
"The word is CELEBRATE!"
*****
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in
the hen house out the back of the presbytery. He had a ***** rooster and
about ten hens.
One Saturday night the ***** rooster was missing and as that was the time he
suspected ***** fights occurred in the village he decided to do something
about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a *****?" All the men
stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a *****?" All
the women stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ***** that
doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No no" he said "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen my *****?"
All the choir boys stood up.
***
A fundamental protestant family wished to know what their child would be
when he grew up, so they called their minister in.
He put a table near the front door and placed a bible, a dollar bill, and a
bottle of whiskey on it.
He explained that if the child picked up the bible he would be a man of god,
picking up the dollar bill would make him a business man. Sadly he explained
that if he picked up the whiskey he would lead a dissolute life.
They hid behind a curtain as the child walked in. He glanced at the table,
picked up all three items and walked out.
The family turned to find the minister had passed out. When he came to, he
told them he was sorry but the child would grow up to be a catholic priest.
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| User: "JPL Verhey" |
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| Title: Re: A Jewish atheist joke |
16 Jan 2004 02:10:25 AM |
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All thanks for the laughs :))
Another one:
Avram and Yossel, Yeshiva students, were debating whether one is allowed to
smoke while learning Torah. They went to the Rebbe for a decision.
Avram asked, "Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?"
"Certainly not!" said the Rebbe, outraged.
Yossel addressed him. "Rebbe, let me ask you this. May we learn Torah while
we smoke?"
The Rebbe immediately replied with a warm smile, "Of course."
"Mike Painter" <mdotpainter@att.net> wrote in message
news:GxLNb.46121$6y6.961449@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
"Passerby" <p_a_s_s_e_r_b_y@skynet.net> wrote in message
news:reHNb.230416$Vu5.17079104@twister.southeast.rr.com...
My favorite one is about a Jewish kid who misbehaved and got kicked out
of
every Jewish school around.
Eventually the parents ran out of options and placed him in a christian
school where suddenly he became a top student. When asked why he told
that
as soon as he entered the building he saw another Jew nailed to the
cross
on
the wall and figured that around here they mean business.
Drifting into the christian side.
A young man decides to devote his life to god and joins a monastery. Upon
his arrival, he is given an orientation, speak quietly, respect your
elders,
the importance of celibacy, etc. One of his first tasks is to make copies
of
the bible by hand. So he sits down with dozens of others and begins
writing.
Shortly after beginning his work he grows concerned and summons an elder.
"Father, we are copying copies, what if we make a mistake? What if someone
already made a mistake and we repeat it? What happened to the original
book?" the young man wonders.
Confidently, the father replies:
"My son, it's been locked up for protection, but I see your point. If it
will allay your fears, I shall get the original and verify the accuracy of
our master copy."
A while later, the young priest grows concerned when the Father doesn't
return and sets off to find him. Upon entering the chamber where the
original is stored, he finds the Father crying and banging his head on the
table. When the father realizes that the young priest is present, he looks
up and sobs:
"The word is CELEBRATE!"
*****
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept
in
the hen house out the back of the presbytery. He had a ***** rooster and
about ten hens.
One Saturday night the ***** rooster was missing and as that was the time
he
suspected ***** fights occurred in the village he decided to do something
about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a *****?" All the men
stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a *****?" All
the women stood up.
"No no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a ***** that
doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No no" he said "That wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen my
*****?"
All the choir boys stood up.
***
A fundamental protestant family wished to know what their child would be
when he grew up, so they called their minister in.
He put a table near the front door and placed a bible, a dollar bill, and
a
bottle of whiskey on it.
He explained that if the child picked up the bible he would be a man of
god,
picking up the dollar bill would make him a business man. Sadly he
explained
that if he picked up the whiskey he would lead a dissolute life.
They hid behind a curtain as the child walked in. He glanced at the table,
picked up all three items and walked out.
The family turned to find the minister had passed out. When he came to, he
told them he was sorry but the child would grow up to be a catholic
priest.
.
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| User: "Mike Painter" |
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| Title: Re: A Jewish atheist joke |
16 Jan 2004 12:18:27 PM |
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"JPL Verhey" <petervar@12move.nl> wrote in message
news:bu867m$ek38d$1@ID-211556.news.uni-berlin.de...
All thanks for the laughs :))
Another one:
Avram and Yossel, Yeshiva students, were debating whether one is allowed
to
smoke while learning Torah. They went to the Rebbe for a decision.
Avram asked, "Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?"
"Certainly not!" said the Rebbe, outraged.
Yossel addressed him. "Rebbe, let me ask you this. May we learn Torah
while
we smoke?"
The Rebbe immediately replied with a warm smile, "Of course."
Beautiful.
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| User: "P A Abeles" |
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| Title: Re: A Jewish atheist joke |
16 Jan 2004 09:13:46 PM |
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"JPL Verhey" <petervar@12move.nl> wrote in message
news:bu867m$ek38d$1@ID-211556.news.uni-berlin.de...
All thanks for the laughs :))
Another one:
Avram and Yossel, Yeshiva students, were debating whether one is allowed
to
smoke while learning Torah. They went to the Rebbe for a decision.
Avram asked, "Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?"
"Certainly not!" said the Rebbe, outraged.
Yossel addressed him. "Rebbe, let me ask you this. May we learn Torah
while
we smoke?"
The Rebbe immediately replied with a warm smile, "Of course."
See its all a matter of interpretation.
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| User: "ginger" |
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| Title: Re: A Jewish atheist joke |
17 Jan 2004 03:23:35 AM |
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"P A Abeles" <nospampaabeles@bigpond.com> wrote in message news:<KL1Ob.15607$Wa.8923@news-server.bigpond.net.au>...
"JPL Verhey" <petervar@12move.nl> wrote in message
news:bu867m$ek38d$1@ID-211556.news.uni-berlin.de...
All thanks for the laughs :))
Siamese twins: Malcom and Nigel
Malcom says "I'm 24 years old and I've never had a girl friend and I
think it's only fair that before I go and get a girl friend I ask your
permission."
Nigel says "Give me a week to think about it."
Malcom "OK, a week has gone by, what's your answer?"
Nigel "Yes it's OK with me! Get yourself a girlfriend."
So Theeeeeeen!
Nigel says "I'm 24 years old and I'm not the same as you, I'm gay and
I want to get myself a boy friend and I think it's only fair that
before I go and get a boy friend I ask your permission."
Malcom says "Give me a week to think about it."
Nigel "OK, a week has gone by, what's your answer?"
Malcom "No! I'm not going to allow it."
Nigel "What! That's a bit unfair. What's your reason?"
For Malcom's answer Scroll Down
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Bit Further
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Are you ready for this ???
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Are you sure ???
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"Because We both share the same arsehole."
Another one:
Avram and Yossel, Yeshiva students, were debating whether one is allowed
to
smoke while learning Torah. They went to the Rebbe for a decision.
Avram asked, "Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?"
"Certainly not!" said the Rebbe, outraged.
Yossel addressed him. "Rebbe, let me ask you this. May we learn Torah
while
we smoke?"
The Rebbe immediately replied with a warm smile, "Of course."
See its all a matter of interpretation.
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| User: "P A Abeles" |
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| Title: Re: A Jewish atheist joke |
15 Jan 2004 09:45:06 PM |
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"Passerby" <p_a_s_s_e_r_b_y@skynet.net> wrote in message
news:reHNb.230416$Vu5.17079104@twister.southeast.rr.com...
My favorite one is about a Jewish kid who misbehaved and got kicked out of
every Jewish school around.
Eventually the parents ran out of options and placed him in a christian
school where suddenly he became a top student. When asked why he told that
as soon as he entered the building he saw another Jew nailed to the cross
on
the wall and figured that around here they mean business.
Good one
.
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| User: "Armageddon" |
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| Title: Re: A Jewish atheist joke |
16 Jan 2004 12:10:58 AM |
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Dear Audrey,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy
in me talking.
Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies,
it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride
needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm
tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad
anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is
what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in
the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me.
I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that
only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean,
just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ***** like a tortoise
shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by
this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our
lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make
her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting
at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my
moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of
that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later,
after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless
technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some
niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit
me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do
you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same withou t you. Jesus, Audrey,
I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of
you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year? Well,
she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I
wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant
till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of
wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And
this tart's a total monster in the sack. Giving me everything, you know
like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her
career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that
tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.. So she puts it on the
floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's
totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why
didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity
for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her
shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general.
She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're
drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage
girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she
looked like you when you w ere 18. And that just about makes me cry. And
then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me
to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how
that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how
even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all
I can do is think of you?
It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could
start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we
can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can
you let me know where the Sky remote control is.
John
"P A Abeles" <nospampaabeles@bigpond.com> wrote in message
news:67JNb.14160$Wa.4983@news-server.bigpond.net.au...
"Passerby" <p_a_s_s_e_r_b_y@skynet.net> wrote in message
news:reHNb.230416$Vu5.17079104@twister.southeast.rr.com...
My favorite one is about a Jewish kid who misbehaved and got kicked out
of
every Jewish school around.
Eventually the parents ran out of options and placed him in a christian
school where suddenly he became a top student. When asked why he told
that
as soon as he entered the building he saw another Jew nailed to the
cross
on
the wall and figured that around here they mean business.
Good one
.
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| User: "Mushinronsha" |
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| Title: Re: A Jewish atheist joke |
16 Jan 2004 09:16:48 PM |
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Armageddon wrote:
Dear Audrey,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
(snip story)
Aaaahhhh! I am rolling on the floor, and can't get up!!! Hahhhh!
This is so very good!! Most excellent! Well done! Nice job, I enjoyed this
very much!
Mushy
(giggle)
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| User: "Gregory Gadow" |
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| Title: The way I heard it (Was: A Jewish atheist joke) |
20 Jan 2004 08:28:01 AM |
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Passerby wrote:
My favorite one is about a Jewish kid who misbehaved and got kicked out of
every Jewish school around.
Eventually the parents ran out of options and placed him in a christian
school where suddenly he became a top student. When asked why he told that
as soon as he entered the building he saw another Jew nailed to the cross on
the wall and figured that around here they mean business.
There was a rabbi who had one son. As soon as he was old enough to enter school,
the rabbi sent him off to attend the best yeshiva in the city. Within a week,
the boy had been expelled.
Undaunted, the rabbi sent his son to the other yeshiva. It was not as nice, but
still, it was a good, solid Jewish education. Again, the boy lasted a week.
Showing that mix of stoicism and practicality that had served his people for so
long, the rabbi sent his son to public school. This time, boy lasted two weeks.
Having run out of options, he sends his son to the one remaining school: a
Catholic school. One week passes. Two. A month. Finally, the end of the quarter.
The rabbi looks at the report card: As all the way. He calls in his son and sits
him down.
"What is this?", he asks. "I send you to the best yeshiva and you get thrown
out. I send you to the not so best yeshiva and you get thrown out. Public
school, even they couldn't handle you. And yet here, at this goyim school, you
do well. Why do you put this dagger in my heart?"
"Well, Dad", the son answered. "As soon as I saw that guy strung up on the wall,
I knew that *this* place meant business."
--
Gregory Gadow
techbear@serv.net
http://www.serv.net/~techbear
"If you make yourself a sheep, the wolves will eat you."
-- Benjamin Franklin
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| User: "Gregory Gadow" |
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| Title: Re: A Jewish atheist joke |
15 Jan 2004 04:53:23 PM |
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P A Abeles wrote:
The old joke about the striving Jewish parents who send their son to an
elite Catholic school pretty much captures the situation. The boy comes home
one day and shocks his parents with an animated discussion of the Catholic
trinity. At which point his father sits him down and sets him straight,
"Son, there is only one God, and we don' believe in Him."
I've never heard of that one, thanks :-)
--
Gregory Gadow
techbear@serv.net
http://www.serv.net/~techbear
"If you make yourself a sheep, the wolves will eat you."
-- Benjamin Franklin
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