------------

4) You have to admit, there is a certain economy of thought
provided by one single explanation for everything. You don't waste
time looking for answers, you already have one. Now you just need to
hammer it into every possible orifice. Science becomes a big game of
whack-a-mole. Quite a labor saver

By: D-word
Nominated: Ben Goren
Seconded: skyeyes

* * * * *
1) I cordially invite you to join our Atheist Religion. What exactly
do we have to offer?

First, our weekly meetings consist of -- oh *****, we don't have weekly
meetings. Nevermind.

Okay, secondly, we offer the promise of eternal life through faith in --
oops. No we don't. Rats.

Thirdly, we offer the eternal truths of existence through our sacred
text, um -- shoot -- what was the name of our sacred text again?

Fourthly, Wednesday night potluck at the Atheist Church really rocks.
Why, just last week we had -- erm -- nothing, since we don't have
potlucks. [sigh]

Oh well, go ***** yourself.

By: Santolina chamaecyparissus
Nominated: Ben Goren
Seconded: Robibnikoff

* * * * *
1) I cordially invite you to join our Atheist Religion. What exactly
do we have to offer?

First, our weekly meetings consist of -- oh *****, we don't have weekly
meetings. Nevermind.

Okay, secondly, we offer the promise of eternal life through faith in --
oops. No we don't. Rats.

Thirdly, we offer the eternal truths of existence through our sacred
text, um -- shoot -- what was the name of our sacred text again?

Fourthly, Wednesday night potluck at the Atheist Church really rocks.
Why, just last week we had -- erm -- nothing, since we don't have
potlucks. [sigh]

Oh well, go ***** yourself.

By: Santolina chamaecyparissus
Nominated: Ben Goren
Seconded: Robibnikoff

9) In response to:

Nor can you prove [God] doesn't exists.

It's not my burden of proof. Just like it's not my burden of proof
that show that Santa Claus does not exist, nor the Easter Bunny, nor
Jack Frost, nor any of a thousand other unseen pixies, elves, trolls,
hobgoblins, gods, orcs, devils, demons, leprechauns, or
wooleynasties. My insistent belief and touting of belief to others
in any one of these, except for gods, would earn me a place at the
laughing academy. Yet, where gods are concerned, it seems that
society allows the adherents of these proofless beliefs to annoy any
number of people and they are still considered sane.

Go figure.

By: Andrealphus
Nominated: Douglas Berry
Seconded: DanielSan

Okay... I'm back up to date, more or less. It's very late to get the
July competition going, but here goes, anyway.

9) In response to:

Nor can you prove [God] doesn't exists.

It's not my burden of proof. Just like it's not my burden of proof
that show that Santa Claus does not exist, nor the Easter Bunny, nor
Jack Frost, nor any of a thousand other unseen pixies, elves, trolls,
hobgoblins, gods, orcs, devils, demons, leprechauns, or wooleynasties.
My insistent belief and touting of belief to others in any one of these,
except for gods, would earn me a place at the laughing academy. Yet,
where gods are concerned, it seems that society allows the adherents of
these proofless beliefs to annoy any number of people and they are still
considered sane.

Go figure.

By: Andrealphus
Nominated: Douglas Berry
Seconded: DanielSan

------------

14) In response to:

There is no time of doubt for Atheists.

ummmm...I doubt *all* the time! that's why I'm an atheist.

By: J Forbes
Nominated: Carl Kaufmann
Seconded: skyeyes

------------

4) You have to admit, there is a certain economy of thought
provided by one single explanation for everything. You don't waste
time looking for answers, you already have one. Now you just need to
hammer it into every possible orifice. Science becomes a big game of
whack-a-mole. Quite a labor saver

By: D-word
Nominated: Ben Goren
Seconded: skyeyes

9) In response to:

Nor can you prove [God] doesn't exists.

It's not my burden of proof. Just like it's not my burden of proof
that show that Santa Claus does not exist, nor the Easter Bunny, nor
Jack Frost, nor any of a thousand other unseen pixies, elves, trolls,
hobgoblins, gods, orcs, devils, demons, leprechauns, or wooleynasties.
My insistent belief and touting of belief to others in any one of these,
except for gods, would earn me a place at the laughing academy. Yet,
where gods are concerned, it seems that society allows the adherents of
these proofless beliefs to annoy any number of people and they are still
considered sane.

Go figure.

By: Andrealphus
Nominated: Douglas Berry
Seconded: DanielSan

* * * * *
1) I cordially invite you to join our Atheist Religion. What exactly
do we have to offer?

First, our weekly meetings consist of -- oh *****, we don't have weekly
meetings. Nevermind.

Okay, secondly, we offer the promise of eternal life through faith in --
oops. No we don't. Rats.

Thirdly, we offer the eternal truths of existence through our sacred
text, um -- shoot -- what was the name of our sacred text again?

Fourthly, Wednesday night potluck at the Atheist Church really rocks.
Why, just last week we had -- erm -- nothing, since we don't have
potlucks. [sigh]

Oh well, go ***** yourself.

By: Santolina chamaecyparissus
Nominated: Ben Goren
Seconded: Robibnikoff

16) MY DEFINITION OF HELL:
Living in heaven, beautiful, exciting, challenging... we call it
EARTH... in other words, we're there... but, the hell part, living in
heaven but ignoring it in favor of what comes after you die.

By: RainLover
Nominated: Liz
Seconded: Hannele Huigens

Okay... I'm back up to date, more or less. It's very late to get the
July competition going, but here goes, anyway. What I'm doing here is
posting the ballots that have the completed nominations as of July 27,
the day this should have been posted. I'll hold open the voting for the
usual 5 days. All nominations that were posted and seconded after 7/27
will be recorded for the August voting. When it comes time to post the
August ballot, there will be another, different special circumstance...
but I'll give you the details on that whe I post those ballots.

Here are the nominations for Atheist Quote of the Month for July 2005.
Vote for your favorite by responding to this thread. Votes will be
accepted until midnight, Aug 8. See rules below. Questions? Comments?
Email me.

2) In response to:

(The Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be... follows.)

You mean, like this?

Our Adversary, who art in Heaven,
Accursed by thy Name.
Thy kingdom burn.
Thy will be damned,
In Heaven and nowhere near Earth.
Give us this day not a bloody thing
For we will never forgive your trespasses,
As you do nothing but trespass against us.
We will never again follow your lead,
For your path leads always to evil.
For thine is the corruption,
and the putrescence,
and the shame,
forever nonexistent.
FOAD!

By: Ben Goren
Nominated: Harry F. Leopold
Seconded: Razor 616

17) In response to:

we [Christians] resent the way Liberalism instills its filthy values
onto our youth.

Liberalism... what exactly does it mean to you? Old-time totalitarian
movements (Nazi, Commie, etc.) used the word "Intellectuals" for what we
now call "Liberals." But the meaning was the same, and they, like you,
criticized the academics because they were "using their intellect to
come up with devious ways to corrupt the youth."

Wake up. We are in the most grotesque, immoral period of
politics-in-bed-with-religion ever seen in this country, where an "ends
justify any means" philisophy has resulted in an almost constant stream
of lies from all sides in league with the Republicans.

By:

2) In response to:

(The Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be... follows.)

You mean, like this?

Our Adversary, who art in Heaven,
Accursed by thy Name.
Thy kingdom burn.
Thy will be damned,
In Heaven and nowhere near Earth.
Give us this day not a bloody thing
For we will never forgive your trespasses,
As you do nothing but trespass against us.
We will never again follow your lead,
For your path leads always to evil.
For thine is the corruption,
and the putrescence,
and the shame,
forever nonexistent.
FOAD!

By: Ben Goren
Nominated: Harry F. Leopold
Seconded: Razor 616

9) In response to:

Nor can you prove [God] doesn't exists.

It's not my burden of proof. Just like it's not my burden of proof
that show that Santa Claus does not exist, nor the Easter Bunny, nor
Jack Frost, nor any of a thousand other unseen pixies, elves, trolls,
hobgoblins, gods, orcs, devils, demons, leprechauns, or wooleynasties.
My insistent belief and touting of belief to others in any one of these,
except for gods, would earn me a place at the laughing academy. Yet,
where gods are concerned, it seems that society allows the adherents of
these proofless beliefs to annoy any number of people and they are still
considered sane.

Go figure.

By: Andrealphus
Nominated: Douglas Berry
Seconded: DanielSan

2) In response to:

(The Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be... follows.)

You mean, like this?

Our Adversary, who art in Heaven,
Accursed by thy Name.
Thy kingdom burn.
Thy will be damned,
In Heaven and nowhere near Earth.
Give us this day not a bloody thing
For we will never forgive your trespasses,
As you do nothing but trespass against us.
We will never again follow your lead,
For your path leads always to evil.
For thine is the corruption,
and the putrescence,
and the shame,
forever nonexistent.
FOAD!

By: Ben Goren
Nominated: Harry F. Leopold
Seconded: Razor 616

------------

10) But, a friend once told me, "God is all-powerful and perfect, but
can only speak through grilled-cheese sandwiches and salt-stains on
underpass walls."

By: DanielSan
Nominated: Harry F. Leopold
Seconded: Katt

7) I can't understand why people would object to a creatonalist exhibit,
they're fascinating creatures with an incredibly interesting life-cycle.
The juevenile form of the creatonalist (scientific name Religius
Irrationalus Maximus) is almost indistinguishable from the common
_Boobus Americanus_ first discovered by H.L. Mencken and indeed
Mencken's classifaction of them as a subspecies of _B. Americanus_ stood
unquestioned for years. However it has recently been discovered that
they are in fact a parasitic species that feeds off _B. Americanus_ in
a manner similar to the _Politicalus Imperialisus_.

It has been noted that _Imperialus_ and other members of the
_Politicalus_ family (usaully of the subspecies "republicanus") are
often seen together feeding on _B. Americanus_. Together with the
observation that in both species the ***** and mouth were interchangable
this lead to speculation that they were related. This was proved not
to be the case after it was discovered that can feed off _B. Americanus
_ without first completing a bizarre behaviour that _I. Politicus_
engages in every 2 or 4 years for some reason needs to succeed in to
start or continue feeding*. In addition all members of the "Religius"
family do not need to, and indeed cannot form symbiotic relationships
with "Beaurcratus Miseratio" (otherwise known as the common tax
collector, or in some areas the far too common tax collector) to feed**.
All members of the "Politicalus" family lack the ability to feed
themselves and rely on such cooperation for nourishment.

When the common creationalist matures he begins to engage in behaviour
designed to attract members of _B. Americanus_ to his lair which is
often initially quite modest. There he seems to hypnotise them with
strange vocalisations and gestures. Some of the world's foremost
linguists have attempted for years to understand the signifance of these
vocalisations but so far have not found any meaning in them. They seem
to encourage specimens of _Americanus_ to leave gifts of money and
increase the trust in and influence over the _Americanii_ that they
enjoy. Even though there is no discernable information content the
_Americanii_ behave as though these vocalisations mean something, it's
not clear what. The similarity to Academius Postmodernus ends there
however as for some reason members of _Boobus Americanus_ that fall prey
to R.I. Maximus avoid Postmodernus and ones that fall prey to
_Postmodernus_ avoid R.I. Maximus. In addition Maximus is incapable of
completing an understandable grant application, clearly differentiating
it from Postmodernus.

As the creationalist grows it's lair becomes larger and more and more
gaudy. Soon it installs radio or television communication equipment to
lure more prey. This is extremely effective as _Boobus Americanus_
spends much of it's time inert observing the television closely. The
energy requirements of constructing the new lair are enormous however
and as a result it cannot afford to retain a brain of the same size as
it's juevenile form. The brain therefore mostly disolves in a process
similar to that known as "gaining tenure" in the Academus family. The
resulting brain appears only to comprehend short pieces of text,
sometimes (although rarely) as long as several sentences. It therefore
lacks the ability to comprehend the full meaning of even these as it
cannot remember the context of the words long enough to read further.
Nor can it recall instances where it's arguments were refuted.
Strangely it seems able to recall some events from years before but is
unable to remember things as recent and simple as recieving a challenge
from a scientist by registered mail the previous day. Because it's food
source is regurgitated by Boobus Americanus it's guts are unneccesary
and they also atrophy.

When supplies of nourishment from B. Americanus run low due to it's
constant parasitism damaging their financial health the creationalist
will migrate as far afield as Australia to find new sources of food.
Often the members of _Boobus Americanus_ will supply more nourishment to
aid in the long journey. The high resistence of some populations to
that infestation suggests that those lands may have had their own
populations of creationalists at one stage.
* Some member of impericalus that failed one of these contests after
several successes have recently been discovered cooperating with
Authorus Ectoplasmus to continue to feed. How this relationship works
is unknown as the impericalus appeared to remain totally immobile while
autorus made frantic efforts which grew evem more frenzied as certain
dates approached (a common behaviour in all species of authorus).
Clearly this relationship was symbiotic as the members of both species
were better nourished than before the association started. More study
of this fascinating species is desperately needed.
** Although they occasionally try.

By: Michael Price
Nominated: Cary Kittrell
Seconded: Harry F. Leopold

17) In response to:

we [Christians] resent the way Liberalism instills its filthy values
onto our youth.

Liberalism... what exactly does it mean to you? Old-time totalitarian
movements (Nazi, Commie, etc.) used the word "Intellectuals" for what we
now call "Liberals." But the meaning was the same, and they, like you,
criticized the academics because they were "using their intellect to
come up with devious ways to corrupt the youth."

Wake up. We are in the most grotesque, immoral period of
politics-in-bed-with-religion ever seen in this country, where an "ends
justify any means" philisophy has resulted in an almost constant stream
of lies from all sides in league with the Republicans.

By:

2) In response to:

(The Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be... follows.)

You mean, like this?

Our Adversary, who art in Heaven,
Accursed by thy Name.
Thy kingdom burn.
Thy will be damned,
In Heaven and nowhere near Earth.
Give us this day not a bloody thing
For we will never forgive your trespasses,
As you do nothing but trespass against us.
We will never again follow your lead,
For your path leads always to evil.
For thine is the corruption,
and the putrescence,
and the shame,
forever nonexistent.
FOAD!

By: Ben Goren
Nominated: Harry F. Leopold
Seconded: Razor 616

3) "God is Love" is far more accurate in tennis terminology than it
is in the bible.

By: Vic Sagerquist
Nominated: Ian Braidwood
Seconded: Ben Goren

------------

17) In response to:

we [Christians] resent the way Liberalism instills its filthy values
onto our youth.

Liberalism... what exactly does it mean to you? Old-time totalitarian
movements (Nazi, Commie, etc.) used the word "Intellectuals" for what we
now call "Liberals." But the meaning was the same, and they, like you,
criticized the academics because they were "using their intellect to
come up with devious ways to corrupt the youth."

Wake up. We are in the most grotesque, immoral period of
politics-in-bed-with-religion ever seen in this country, where an "ends
justify any means" philisophy has resulted in an almost constant stream
of lies from all sides in league with the Republicans.

By:

9) In response to:

Nor can you prove [God] doesn't exists.

It's not my burden of proof. Just like it's not my burden of proof
that show that Santa Claus does not exist, nor the Easter Bunny, nor
Jack Frost, nor any of a thousand other unseen pixies, elves, trolls,
hobgoblins, gods, orcs, devils, demons, leprechauns, or wooleynasties.
My insistent belief and touting of belief to others in any one of these,
except for gods, would earn me a place at the laughing academy. Yet,
where gods are concerned, it seems that society allows the adherents of
these proofless beliefs to annoy any number of people and they are still
considered sane.

Go figure.

By: Andrealphus
Nominated: Douglas Berry
Seconded: DanielSan

10) But, a friend once told me, "God is all-powerful and perfect, but
can only speak through grilled-cheese sandwiches and salt-stains on
underpass walls."

By: DanielSan
Nominated: Harry F. Leopold
Seconded: Katt

9) In response to:

Nor can you prove [God] doesn't exists.

It's not my burden of proof. Just like it's not my burden of proof
that show that Santa Claus does not exist, nor the Easter Bunny, nor
Jack Frost, nor any of a thousand other unseen pixies, elves, trolls,
hobgoblins, gods, orcs, devils, demons, leprechauns, or wooleynasties.
My insistent belief and touting of belief to others in any one of these,
except for gods, would earn me a place at the laughing academy. Yet,
where gods are concerned, it seems that society allows the adherents of
these proofless beliefs to annoy any number of people and they are still
considered sane.

Go figure.

By: Andrealphus
Nominated: Douglas Berry
Seconded: DanielSan

10) But, a friend once told me, "God is all-powerful and perfect, but
can only speak through grilled-cheese sandwiches and salt-stains on
underpass walls."

By: DanielSan

9) In response to:

Nor can you prove [God] doesn't exists.

It's not my burden of proof. Just like it's not my burden of proof
that show that Santa Claus does not exist, nor the Easter Bunny, nor
Jack Frost, nor any of a thousand other unseen pixies, elves, trolls,
hobgoblins, gods, orcs, devils, demons, leprechauns, or
wooleynasties. My insistent belief and touting of belief to others
in any one of these, except for gods, would earn me a place at the
laughing academy. Yet, where gods are concerned, it seems that
society allows the adherents of these proofless beliefs to annoy any
number of people and they are still considered sane.

Go figure.

By: Andrealphus
Nominated: Douglas Berry
Seconded: DanielSan

10) But, a friend once told me, "God is all-powerful and perfect, but
can only speak through grilled-cheese sandwiches and salt-stains on
underpass walls."

By: DanielSan
Nominated: Harry F. Leopold

7)

Okay... I'm back up to date, more or less. It's very late to get the
July competition going, but here goes, anyway. What I'm doing here is
posting the ballots that have the completed nominations as of July 27,
the day this should have been posted. I'll hold open the voting for
the usual 5 days. All nominations that were posted and seconded after
7/27 will be recorded for the August voting. When it comes time to
post the August ballot, there will be another, different special
circumstance... but I'll give you the details on that whe I post those
ballots.

Here are the nominations for Atheist Quote of the Month for July 2005.
Vote for your favorite by responding to this thread. Votes will be
accepted until midnight, Aug 8. See rules below. Questions?
Comments? Email me.

* * * * *
1) I cordially invite you to join our Atheist Religion. What exactly
do we have to offer?

First, our weekly meetings consist of -- oh *****, we don't have weekly
meetings. Nevermind.

Okay, secondly, we offer the promise of eternal life through faith in
-- oops. No we don't. Rats.

Thirdly, we offer the eternal truths of existence through our sacred
text, um -- shoot -- what was the name of our sacred text again?

Fourthly, Wednesday night potluck at the Atheist Church really rocks.
Why, just last week we had -- erm -- nothing, since we don't have
potlucks. [sigh]

Oh well, go ***** yourself.

By: Santolina chamaecyparissus
Nominated: Ben Goren
Seconded: Robibnikoff

------------

2) In response to:

(The Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be... follows.)

You mean, like this?

Our Adversary, who art in Heaven,
Accursed by thy Name.
Thy kingdom burn.
Thy will be damned,
In Heaven and nowhere near Earth.
Give us this day not a bloody thing
For we will never forgive your trespasses,
As you do nothing but trespass against us.
We will never again follow your lead,
For your path leads always to evil.
For thine is the corruption,
and the putrescence,
and the shame,
forever nonexistent.
FOAD!

By: Ben Goren
Nominated: Harry F. Leopold
Seconded: Razor 616

------------

3) "God is Love" is far more accurate in tennis terminology than it
is in the bible.

By: Vic Sagerquist
Nominated: Ian Braidwood
Seconded: Ben Goren

------------

4) You have to admit, there is a certain economy of thought
provided by one single explanation for everything. You don't waste
time looking for answers, you already have one. Now you just need
to hammer it into every possible orifice. Science becomes a big
game of whack-a-mole. Quite a labor saver

By: D-word
Nominated: Ben Goren
Seconded: skyeyes

------------

5) The principles of American freedom and the values expressed in the
Declaration of Independence are the antithesis of everything that the
Current Regime stands for. Bush asking me to participate in the true
spirit of the 4th of July is like the Pope asking folks to march for a
woman's right to an abortion.

By: Gregory Gadow
Nominated: towelie
Seconded: Vic Sagerquist

------------

6) Re: The Russian astrologer suing NASA over the Deep Impaxt mission:

Oh, like astrologers haven't done $300 million in damage with their
silly advice.

By: Craig Franck
Nominated:

Nor can you prove [God] doesn't exists.

It's not my burden of proof. Just like it's not my burden of proof
that show that Santa Claus does not exist, nor the Easter Bunny, nor
Jack Frost, nor any of a thousand other unseen pixies, elves, trolls,
hobgoblins, gods, orcs, devils, demons, leprechauns, or
wooleynasties. My insistent belief and touting of belief to others
in any one of these, except for gods, would earn me a place at the
laughing academy. Yet, where gods are concerned, it seems that
society allows the adherents of these proofless beliefs to annoy any
number of people and they are still considered sane.

Go figure.

By: Andrealphus
Nominated: Douglas Berry
Seconded: DanielSan

------------

10) But, a friend once told me, "God is all-powerful and perfect, but
can only speak through grilled-cheese sandwiches and salt-stains on
underpass walls."

By: DanielSan
Nominated: Harry F. Leopold
Seconded: Katt

------------

11) In response to thread about oil politics:

OK, now take your blood pressure medicine. Take a deep breath. This is
going to be very, very difficult to take for anyone who thinks John
Kerry owns ten SUVs.

Breathe deep.

OK, here we go.

In times of actual crisis, Americans (and others!) have been known to
***voluntarily*** forego certain products and behaviors!

Now, you seem like exactly the kind of person who won't quite get
this. Let me type this question slowly. If the President came on TV
and said "We are supporting terrorism and wrecking our habitat by
using so much oil", what would be your response?

A) Get in my Escalade and drive to the *second* closest MiniMart for a
quart of milk I didn't need
B)Get in my Escalade and drive really really fast to the gas station
to tank up
C)Think about getting a hybrid vehicle, and meanwhile, walking the 3
blocks to the barber that I used to drive in my Escalade

My guess is, you're an 'A' type, with perhaps a slight leaning to 'B'

Get this straight: Americans don't have any "right" to petroleum
products. They follow the law of supply and demand. If you want
rights, look at the first 10 amendments to the US Constitution. I
don't think it says anything about oil there.

By: Chris
Nominated: nJb
Seconded: Tink

------------

12) You don't honestly expect them to give a damn about facts or real
history, do you? As far as they are concerned, whatever they choose to
believe is correct. It's reality that has it wrong.

By: Conspiracy of Doves
Nominated: Gregory Gadow
Seconded: Jon Stoll

------------

13) It is becoming more obvious every day that there are atheists
here who are as irrational as any fundy who ever lived.

By: Del
Nominated: JHC
Seconded: zamboni30000

------------

14) In response to:

There is no time of doubt for Atheists.

ummmm...I doubt *all* the time! that's why I'm an atheist.

By: J Forbes
Nominated: Carl Kaufmann
Seconded: skyeyes

------------

15) No, the questions don't go away by wishing. A great many of them
do, however, go away with education.

By: skyeyes
Nominated: Panama Floyd
Seconded: Liz

------------

16) MY DEFINITION OF HELL:
Living in heaven, beautiful, exciting, challenging... we call it
EARTH... in other words, we're there... but, the hell part, living in
heaven but ignoring it in favor of what comes after you die.

By: RainLover
Nominated: Liz
Seconded: Hannele Huigens

------------

17) In response to:

we [Christians] resent the way Liberalism instills its filthy values
onto our youth.

Liberalism... what exactly does it mean to you? Old-time totalitarian
movements (Nazi, Commie, etc.) used the word "Intellectuals" for what
we now call "Liberals." But the meaning was the same, and they, like
you, criticized the academics because they were "using their intellect
to come up with devious ways to corrupt the youth."

Wake up. We are in the most grotesque, immoral period of
politics-in-bed-with-religion ever seen in this country, where an
"ends justify any means" philisophy has resulted in an almost constant
stream of lies from all sides in league with the Republicans.

By: