The book was discovered by construction workers who were on their lunch
break at the 'Big Dig,' Boston's new interstate tunnel. While the
workers watched TV, the foreman was crushing soda cans against his
massive forehead.

Intrepid reporter Harlow Campbell has confirmed that a professor at
Webster University -- the birthplace of the world-famous English
dictionary -- is in possession of a book that was printed on another
world. What's more, the thick volume isn't a cookbook.

"It's an alien bible," said 41- year-old linguistics professor, Dr.
Emmanuel Johnson, whose skill with foreign languages has earned him the
nickname "Magic." "And wait till you hear who their god is!"

The book was discovered by construction workers who were on their lunch
break at the 'Big Dig,' Boston's new interstate tunnel. While the
workers watched TV, the foreman was crushing soda cans against his
massive forehead. When he ran out of them, he looked for something else
to prove he was a hardhead as well as a hardhat. That was when he saw a
large container half-buried in the earth. He dug it out, struck it hard
against his brow and passed out. The vessel was unharmed but one of the
workers spotted strange writing on the outside. Dr. Johnson was
summoned along with paramedics.

"The first thing I noticed was that the markings were not the
petroglyphs of Native Americans," Dr. Johnson said. "There were numbers
and mathematical signs. One of them almost looked like the letters UPN
and NBC. If I didn't know better I'd have sworn they were a TV
schedule."

The professor looked around the site before he left. "I found other
remnants of an alien presence," he said, "including luggage and what
looked like a door with a little diagram. I suspect that what the 'Big
Dig' crew had found was the remains of an alien outpost or motel on
ancient earth."

Back in his library, Dr. Johnson opened the container.

"Being whacked against the foreman's head had loosened the top," Dr.
Johnson said. "It popped right off. I began to wonder if, in fact, that
was how the aliens opened containers on their world. If so, they must
have suffered brain damage over time."

Inside, Dr. Johnson found a small, thick book. The cover illustration
showed a constellation that bore the unmistakable likeness of Oprah
Winfrey. Stunned, he opened the book, which consisted of multicolored,
cloth-like materials. The writing glowed when the professor looked at
it.

"It was an illuminated manuscript," Dr. Johnson explained. "I was
immediately able to translate the title, which is called Their Eyes Are
Watching Me. The book was comprised of two sections: A Sacred Alien
Testament: Written and a Sacred Alien Testament: Oral."

"The Written Testament is the shorter of the two. Apparently, the
aliens didn't like to read much," said Dr. Johnson. "The text explains
that Oprahs exist on many worlds. There are probably colonies of them
throughout the universe, possibly a Planet of the Oprahs. They all
spring from the Oprah who wrote the alien bible. It is likely that
Earth's own Ms. Winfrey is descended from these beings.

"The Oral Testament actually speaks to the reader," Dr. Johnson
revealed. "Naturally, it talks in the authoritative but reassuring
voice of Oprah.

"It begins with a section called 'Syndication,' which encourages aliens
to do good deeds on other worlds, including the Earth," Dr. Johnson
continued. "We suspect that the alien visitors who owned this bible
were missionaries, members of Oprah's 'The Angel Connection.' It
instructs acolytes on the basics of worship, including the use of
something called 'the remote.'

"Then there's a section called 'The Boutique' where you can obtain
items like loungewear for worship, mugs for sacred beverages and caps
to show your devotion to the 'Big O' as she is also called. This is
followed by 'The Books of Oprah' which are a collection of stories and
poems she likes. Most of these were written by an angel named Maya.
Next there's a chapter called 'Ooooo' which is all about the do's and
don'ts of sex. Finally, there's a very thin section on dealing with
'loss' -- weight loss. The foundation of the diet is the consumption of
something called 'stedman graham crackers.' This chapter contains
erasures which suggest that it was once much, much thicker. "We have
only begun to delve into the volume, which is extremely complex."

Dr. Johnson intends to continue his studies of the alien bible and the
other artifacts from the Big Dig.