| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"" |
| Date: |
31 Oct 2004 07:14:58 AM |
| Object: |
Anyone seen the IPU recently? |
Of course you haven't. That was a trick question, designed to trap the
unfaithful and get them to read.
DON"T TRY TO LOOK AWAY NOW. It's too late: you have officially been
exposed to the doctrine of the Holy IPU, and while you may not yet have
been consecrated with Pineapple and Ham Pizza, you are aware of Her
Most Holy Pinkness and are doomed to crawl around the Mines of Misery
forever if you don't join us in Worshipping the One True Unicorn.
Her Pinkness learned this trick from the Christ Babblers. Just like
their gig, if you've never heard of the IPU, you are innocent and
eligible to ride a Camel Beast, have your own Flaming Sword, and get
all the other perks that come with Her Holiness'es Permanent Retirement
Village. But if we TELL you about her, and you turn up your nose and
walk away, well, let's just say there will be no Pink Unicorn
defecating on YOUR shoes as you are gasping your last breath!
Nicely done, right? You have been trapped, dude. But hey, it's not
all bad. Her Pinkness is a lot of fun: we're not all doom and gloom
like some of the other religions. Oh, and don't worry if you've been
exposed to one of them. Even if you've been baptised or whatever, the
Holy IPU will indemnify your soul against any competing claims. And we
have a much better deal: none of this worrying about Eternal
Judgement, confessing your sins, living a life of purity or any of
that. With us, it's simple: you just acknowledge Her Pinkness as the
One True Unicorn, and your Camel Beast is set aside for you. How about
that? No wasted time with daily praying, no embarrasing moments with
priests, no worrying about that stuff you do in the shower - it's all
cool!
Sorry we had to trick you like this, but Her Pinkness hasn't had a lot
of attention recently and is worried that there will be too many Camel
Beasts if more people don't join up. Those Camel Beasts breed like
rabbits, you know, and you just cannot get them to use condoms. So
welcome to Eternity and may your shoes always be covered with Pink
Unicorn droppings.
Further readings:
http://aplawrence.com/Personal/Humor/shat.html
--
Tony Lawrence
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| User: "Harry F. Leopold" |
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| Title: Re: Anyone seen the IPU recently? |
01 Nov 2004 08:50:13 AM |
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On Sun, 31 Oct 2004 08:14:58 -0500, wrote
(in article <1099228498.358254.224100@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>):
Of course you haven't. That was a trick question, designed to trap the
unfaithful and get them to read.
DON"T TRY TO LOOK AWAY NOW. It's too late: you have officially been exposed
to the doctrine of the Holy IPU, and while you may not yet have been
consecrated with Pineapple and Ham Pizza, you are aware of Her Most Holy
Pinkness and are doomed to crawl around the Mines of Misery forever if you
don't join us in Worshipping the One True Unicorn.
snip
Isn't that supposed to be "...doomed to crawl around the Mimes of Misery
forever..."?
--
Harry F. Leopold
aa #2076
AA/Vet #4
The Prints of Darkness
(remove gene to email)
"Your god wears fuzzy, pink, bunny slippers."
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| User: "X" |
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| Title: Re: Anyone seen the IPU recently? |
01 Nov 2004 12:19:18 PM |
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Harry F. Leopold wrote:
On Sun, 31 Oct 2004 08:14:58 -0500, wrote
(in article <1099228498.358254.224100@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>):
Of course you haven't. That was a trick question, designed to trap the
unfaithful and get them to read.
DON"T TRY TO LOOK AWAY NOW. It's too late: you have officially been exposed
to the doctrine of the Holy IPU, and while you may not yet have been
consecrated with Pineapple and Ham Pizza, you are aware of Her Most Holy
Pinkness and are doomed to crawl around the Mines of Misery forever if you
don't join us in Worshipping the One True Unicorn.
snip
Isn't that supposed to be "...doomed to crawl around the Mimes of Misery
forever..."?
I think he is quoting from the New King Jane's version.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: Anyone seen the IPU recently? |
01 Nov 2004 02:47:21 PM |
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X wrote:
Harry F. Leopold wrote:
On Sun, 31 Oct 2004 08:14:58 -0500, wrote
to the doctrine of the Holy IPU, and while you may not yet have
been
consecrated with Pineapple and Ham Pizza, you are aware of Her Most
Holy
Pinkness and are doomed to crawl around the Mines of Misery forever
if you
don't join us in Worshipping the One True Unicorn.
snip
Isn't that supposed to be "...doomed to crawl around the Mimes of
Misery
forever..."?
I think he is quoting from the New King Jane's version.
I was quoting from http://aplawrence.com/Personal/Humor/shat.html
Mock if you will, but consider this unassailable logic: you have
nothing to lose by aligning yourself with Her Pinkness. If I am a
false prophet, you can slide back to your favorite Invisible Pal right
after you don't hear Her Holy Hooves approaching your death bed. But
if I am right (and I am), then you ignore at your own peril. Your torn
fingers will dig at the cold rock of the Mines of Misery forever and
you will never ride the Camel Beast.
There is a Hoof Shaped Hole in your heart - don't fight it, don't deny
the IPU. She shat so you will not have to, which makes a hell of a lot
more sense than that "died for your sins" malarkey.
Remember, with our competitors, you aren't guaranteed jack. Come the
day of your death, the other gods all want to judge you, to weigh your
sins against your good deeds. Only then do they decide your final
fate. Her Invisible Pinkness doesn't care at all about your sins: if
she can soil your shoes, you made the cut and get all the bennies and
perks.
Also, we have no on-going commitment, no daily praying, proselytising,
etc. This is no pyramid scheme like those other guys: we don't expect
you to do our missionary work. You CAN help people find the IPU if you
want, but it's basically her responsibility and she knows it.
You won't find a better deal anywhere. Plus, if you sign up within the
next twenty four hours, your Flaming Sword will be hand lettered with a
special IPU message, personalized with your name as though she really
made the sword just for you. OK, yes, everyone who reads this will
know there's really nothing special about you or your sword, but there
are millions of Camel Riders who DON'T read this newsgroup and she
won't tell 'em if you don't. Think how impressive you will be!
Plus, if Satan shows up with a bunch of shyster lawyers and claims you
for Hell, Her Pinkness will absolutely indemnify his claims, will
defend you in court and will pay damages if Satan wins. That may seem
like faint comfort, but trust me, a little extra cash is a good thing
to have in Hell.
Cash is worthless in the Mines of Misery though, so if I were you, I
wouldn't take my chances.
God is Good, God is Great, but the IPU is the bee's knees!
In double-blind trials, very few side effects were observed among those
who actually had the IPU defecate on their shoes and those who were
simply told this had been done. Invisible Pink Unicorns are not known
to be effective in treating any medical disorder short of actual death.
You should not consult a rabbi or priest or any other false religious
figure while under the protection of the IPU. Seek pyschiatric help if
you actual SEE an Invisible Pink Unicorn.
--
Tony Lawrence
http://aplawrence.com/Personal
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| User: "Harry F. Leopold" |
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| Title: Re: Anyone seen the IPU recently? |
01 Nov 2004 07:20:15 PM |
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On Mon, 1 Nov 2004 15:47:21 -0500, wrote
(in article <1099342041.009430.172610@c13g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>):
X wrote:
Harry F. Leopold wrote:
On Sun, 31 Oct 2004 08:14:58 -0500, wrote
to the doctrine of the Holy IPU, and while you may not yet have been
consecrated with Pineapple and Ham Pizza, you are aware of Her Most Holy
Pinkness and are doomed to crawl around the Mines of Misery forever if you
don't join us in Worshipping the One True Unicorn.
snip
Isn't that supposed to be "...doomed to crawl around the Mimes of Misery
forever..."?
I think he is quoting from the New King Jane's version.
I was quoting from http://aplawrence.com/Personal/Humor/shat.html
Mock if you will, but consider this unassailable logic: you have nothing to
lose by aligning yourself with Her Pinkness. If I am a false prophet, you
can slide back to your favorite Invisible Pal right after you don't hear Her
Holy Hooves approaching your death bed. But if I am right (and I am), then
you ignore at your own peril. Your torn fingers will dig at the cold rock of
the Mines of Misery forever and you will never ride the Camel Beast.
snip
I still think it is a typo, I find the idea of "crawling around in the Mimes
of Misery" far more terrifying. I have been in mines and I have been near
mimes, of the two an eternity of mimes would be by far more unbearable.
--
Harry F. Leopold
aa #2076
AA/Vet #4
The Prints of Darkness
(remove gene to email)
"But it could also be a new troll being born. (Do they form by accretion?)"
-Chuck Taylor
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| User: "" |
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| Title: The Great Trolls, was Re: Anyone seen the IPU recently? |
02 Nov 2004 06:29:26 AM |
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Harry F. Leopold wrote:
"But it could also be a new troll being born. (Do they form by
accretion?)"
Trolls do not "form", and are certainly not born. They are uncreated.
I am from a family of Southern Beardists, although as I have explained
at http://aplawrence.com/Personal/Humor/trolls.html I am not prejudiced
against Northern Beardists and indeed some of my friends are of that
persuasion. I am even willing to admit that A-Trollists must be
allowed their beliefs (or lack thereof), though I will not stand for
blasphemy such as that which you suggest with your "new troll being
born".
My family and I had a wonderful time this Sunday last and our home is
yet to be cleansed of smashed pumpkins. At this most holy of times, it
is particularly reprehensible that some heathen heretic would spew such
vileness. I would call this a hate crime, and intend to see that the
proper authorities are made aware of your ugly words.
--
Tony Lawrence
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| User: "stoney" |
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| Title: Re: The Great Trolls, was Re: Anyone seen the IPU recently? |
02 Nov 2004 11:48:08 AM |
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On 2 Nov 2004 04:29:26 -0800, "pcunix@gmail.com" <pcunix@gmail.com>
wrote:
Harry F. Leopold wrote:
"But it could also be a new troll being born. (Do they form by
accretion?)"
Trolls do not "form", and are certainly not born. They are uncreated.
I am from a family of Southern Beardists, although as I have explained
at http://aplawrence.com/Personal/Humor/trolls.html I am not prejudiced
against Northern Beardists and indeed some of my friends are of that
persuasion. I am even willing to admit that A-Trollists must be
allowed their beliefs (or lack thereof), though I will not stand for
blasphemy such as that which you suggest with your "new troll being
born".
My family and I had a wonderful time this Sunday last and our home is
yet to be cleansed of smashed pumpkins. At this most holy of times, it
is particularly reprehensible that some heathen heretic would spew such
vileness. I would call this a hate crime, and intend to see that the
proper authorities are made aware of your ugly words.
Youngest daughter spent hours carving a pumpkin. A day later she
found deer on the porch eating its face. Torrent of tears resulted.
--
Contempt of Congress meter reading-offscale.
Vote for Bush. Why vote for the lesser of two evils?
No matter the candidates the superstition industry wins.
'Jesus' is a sock-puppet Christians utilize to add 'authority' to
whatever action they intend on taking. -Stoney
And Duty Imp and Rapscallion
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: The Great Trolls, was Re: Anyone seen the IPU recently? |
02 Nov 2004 03:40:39 PM |
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stoney wrote:
Youngest daughter spent hours carving a pumpkin. A day later she
found deer on the porch eating its face. Torrent of tears resulted.
We found a very fat squirrel inside (and upside down) one of our
uncarved pumpkins. He wasn't stuck, just eating from the inside.
Many years ago, when our children were young, we had a really cute
calico cat called Lucy (short for Lucifer - I'll ***** of the Xians
anyway I can). Lucy was a fair huntress, always catching something.
At Easter, we went visiting family, and when we returned, found that
Lucy had made her best kill yet- in the middle of the living room was a
very gory and very dead rabbit.
Our poor daughter, only 3 or so, screamed "Lucy killed the Easter
Bunny!"
For all I know, she may have..
--
Tony Lawrence
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| User: "stoney" |
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| Title: Re: The Great Trolls, was Re: Anyone seen the IPU recently? |
03 Nov 2004 02:35:39 PM |
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On 2 Nov 2004 13:40:39 -0800, "pcunix@gmail.com" <pcunix@gmail.com>
wrote:
stoney wrote:
Youngest daughter spent hours carving a pumpkin. A day later she
found deer on the porch eating its face. Torrent of tears resulted.
We found a very fat squirrel inside (and upside down) one of our
uncarved pumpkins. He wasn't stuck, just eating from the inside.
LOL....
Many years ago, when our children were young, we had a really cute
calico cat called Lucy (short for Lucifer - I'll ***** of the Xians
anyway I can). Lucy was a fair huntress, always catching something.
At Easter, we went visiting family, and when we returned, found that
Lucy had made her best kill yet- in the middle of the living room was a
very gory and very dead rabbit.
Our poor daughter, only 3 or so, screamed "Lucy killed the Easter
Bunny!"
For all I know, she may have..
Rabbit stew......
--
Contempt of Congress meter reading-offscale.
Vote for Bush. Why vote for the lesser of two evils?
No matter the candidates the superstition industry wins.
'Jesus' is a sock-puppet Christians utilize to add 'authority' to
whatever action they intend on taking. -Stoney
And Duty Imp and Rapscallion
.
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| User: "Harry F. Leopold" |
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| Title: Re: The Great Trolls, was Re: Anyone seen the IPU recently? |
02 Nov 2004 05:13:51 PM |
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On Tue, 2 Nov 2004 07:29:26 -0600, wrote
(in article <1099398566.414924.197260@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>):
Harry F. Leopold wrote:
"But it could also be a new troll being born. (Do they form by
accretion?)"
Trolls do not "form", and are certainly not born. They are uncreated.
I am from a family of Southern Beardists, although as I have explained
at http://aplawrence.com/Personal/Humor/trolls.html I am not prejudiced
against Northern Beardists and indeed some of my friends are of that
persuasion. I am even willing to admit that A-Trollists must be
allowed their beliefs (or lack thereof), though I will not stand for
blasphemy such as that which you suggest with your "new troll being
born".
My family and I had a wonderful time this Sunday last and our home is
yet to be cleansed of smashed pumpkins. At this most holy of times, it
is particularly reprehensible that some heathen heretic would spew such
vileness. I would call this a hate crime, and intend to see that the
proper authorities are made aware of your ugly words.
Make sure you send the authorities to the right person, the one my newsreader
was quoting, from one of the amateur astronomy newsgroups.
Now on the other hand, I personally think that trolls just crawl out from
under particularly nasty piles of worm-*****. But I doubt that it is the
worm-shits' fault.
On the other-other hand (or should I say "on the gripping hand"?) -
"Smashing Pumpkins"? Never listened to them that I can recall, I like old
classics, old jazz and some 50's/60's rock.
--
Harry F. Leopold
aa #2076
AA/Vet #4
The Prints of Darkness
(remove gene to email)
³We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages
down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new
vocabulary."-James D. Nicoll
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