| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Khubla" |
| Date: |
03 Mar 2006 12:31:41 PM |
| Object: |
Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? |
I was sent the following article. Religious people can be so dim witted it
sometimes hard to fathom.
Khubla
..
People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats.
I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?"
A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should do
everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your family
receives the glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His very life.
Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for eternity because
you put off a 10-minute conversation.
My own cats accepted Jesus into their hearts before they even opened their
eyes. The light of salvation has brightened their lives, but perhaps the
most noticeable change has been in me. I am filled with warmth knowing their
eternal souls have been saved.
Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original
mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil.
That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your
cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough
felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted
pregnancy.
That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the life,
crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The Nicene
Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are about 10
weeks old.
Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to
fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use
in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats. But Jesus is
not. Your kitties need to know early on that there is a fisher of men and
cats alike who can save their souls.
A lot of people say, "Oh, but Whiskers doesn't even answer to his name yet."
They raise a good point: Sometimes you have to teach your cat at its own
level. If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it will sense that
there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching cross, it will
contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while it stretches and
sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my
cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who
provided it is revealed unto them.
Teaching your cats the Gospel of Christ isn't just important for their
eternal souls, it is also the only way to ensure that they know an eternity
of damnation awaits them if they scratch your favorite chair. Before they
cough up a hairball on the rug or leave a dead mouse on the doorstep,
they'll know—without being scolded—that they had better watch it, as a Final
Judgment awaits at the hands of the Lord.
Of course, once your cat has accepted the Lord in its heart, it's ready to
be baptized. The righteous cat is one that is born again in the eyes of the
Lord. People think that baptism is a rite that requires a fancy baptismal
font and a preacher, but that's simply not true. Just fill your bathtub with
water, say a little invocation over it, ask your cat if it rejects Satan and
all his evil, and then dunk it. Make sure it is fully immersed, in
accordance with Scripture.
So now, all you have to do is choose your cat's baptismal name. My cats'
birth names were Meowser, Fluff, and Mr. Boots, but their baptismal names
are Ezekiel, Caleb, and Mr. Paws.
Remember, a cat may have nine lives, but it only has one eternal soul. We
all must one day appear before the Holy Seat Of Judgment, and although my
Oliver and Lady Twinkles passed on long ago from this vale of tears, I take
solace in the knowledge that, when the time comes for me to receive the
ecstasies of Heaven, all of my housecats will be waiting to spend eternity
on my lap.
And don't get your cats vaccinated, either. The Lord will provide protection
from feline leukemia.
By Marian Byers
February 28, 2006 | Issue 42•09
The Onion
Americia's Finest New Source
.
|
|
| User: "Robert Schneider" |
|
| Title: Re: Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? |
04 Mar 2006 08:22:06 AM |
|
|
"Khubla" <khubla@adelphia.net> wrote in
news:0OKdnetb2uwUFpXZRVn-qg@adelphia.com:
I was sent the following article. Religious people can be so dim
witted it sometimes hard to fathom.
Khubla
.
People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their
housecats. I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?"
A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should
do everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your
family receives the glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His
very life. Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for
eternity because you put off a 10-minute conversation.
My own cats accepted Jesus into their hearts before they even opened
their eyes. The light of salvation has brightened their lives, but
perhaps the most noticeable change has been in me. I am filled with
warmth knowing their eternal souls have been saved.
Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call
"original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout
into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead.
If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the
back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You
could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.
That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the
life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The
Nicene Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are
about 10 weeks old.
Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a
cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good
proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in
cats. But Jesus is not. Your kitties need to know early on that there
is a fisher of men and cats alike who can save their souls.
A lot of people say, "Oh, but Whiskers doesn't even answer to his name
yet." They raise a good point: Sometimes you have to teach your cat at
its own level. If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it
will sense that there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching
cross, it will contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while
it stretches and sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of
Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish
their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.
<snip>
Back in the days when I was a xian, it had come up during Sunday school
that pets would have to acknowledge Jesus Christ as their Lord and
Savior in order to go to heaven. The topic came up when some kid had
brought in his albino pet rat with him.
AA #2149
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Denis Loubet" |
|
| Title: Re: Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? |
03 Mar 2006 02:31:34 PM |
|
|
"Khubla" <khubla@adelphia.net> wrote in message
news:0OKdnetb2uwUFpXZRVn-qg@adelphia.com...
I was sent the following article. Religious people can be so dim witted it
sometimes hard to fathom.
Khubla
People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their
housecats. I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?"
A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should do
everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your family
receives the glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His very life.
Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for eternity because
you put off a 10-minute conversation.
It's frightening that even though this is satire, some Christians actually
think this way.
--
Denis Loubet
dloubet@io.com
http://www.io.com/~dloubet
http://www.ashenempires.com
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "quibbler" |
|
| Title: Re: Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? |
03 Mar 2006 02:03:14 PM |
|
|
In article <0OKdnetb2uwUFpXZRVn-qg@adelphia.com>,
says...
Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original
mischief."
Yeah, come to think of it, I heard that Eve's ***** was a naughty little
beast.
Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to
fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use
in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats.
That and the fact that cats prefer mooching to honest toil.
Just fill your bathtub with
water, say a little invocation over it, ask your cat if it rejects Satan and
all his evil, and then dunk it. Make sure it is fully immersed, in
accordance with Scripture.
Make sure that you're wearing oven mitts too, if you want to avoid the
bites and scratches ;)
So now, all you have to do is choose your cat's baptismal name. My cats'
birth names were Meowser, Fluff, and Mr. Boots, but their baptismal names
are Ezekiel, Caleb, and Mr. Paws.
Hummmm....I didn't know that "Mr. Paws" was mentioned in the bible.
--
Quibbler (quibbler247atyahoo.com)
"It is fashionable to wax apocalyptic about the
threat to humanity posed by the AIDS virus, 'mad cow'
disease, and many others, but I think a case can be
made that faith is one of the world's great evils,
comparable to the smallpox virus but harder to
eradicate." -- Richard Dawkins
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "wildbluskies" |
|
| Title: Re: Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? |
03 Mar 2006 03:11:35 PM |
|
|
Khubla wrote:
Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original
mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil.
cats cant be taught about Jesus as they are demons of satan, similar
to atheists, only two things can be done about cats or atheists, they
can be neutered or killed.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Kate " |
|
| Title: Re: Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? |
04 Mar 2006 11:56:02 AM |
|
|
On 3 Mar 2006 13:11:35 -0800, "wildbluskies"
<wildbluskies@hotmail.com> wrote:
Khubla wrote:
Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original
mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil.
cats cant be taught about Jesus as they are demons of satan, similar
to atheists, only two things can be done about cats or atheists, they
can be neutered or killed.
So which did you do to yourself? neutered or killed?
Seems only right.
.
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "Sanitys IittIe helper" |
|
| Title: Re: Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? |
03 Mar 2006 03:00:24 PM |
|
|
Khubla wrote:
I was sent the following article.
Who by? Elroy Willis?
People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats.
I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?"
<snip>
Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original
mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil.
That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your
cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough
felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted
pregnancy.
That's why I asked.
--
David Silverman
aa #2208
Atheist for life.
Anybody heard from Yahweh lately?
*****
"Mass torture is the most perfect form of Prayer."
Pope Paul III *****
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Chris Johnson" |
|
| Title: Re: Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? |
03 Mar 2006 12:35:03 PM |
|
|
Khubla wrote:
I was sent the following article. Religious people can be so dim witted =
it
sometimes hard to fathom.
Khubla
<snip>
By Marian Byers
February 28, 2006 | Issue 42=B709
The Onion
Americia's Finest New Source
Did you really think that article was serious? That's The Onion, a
satirical newspaper.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Khubla" |
|
| Title: Re: Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? |
03 Mar 2006 12:52:38 PM |
|
|
Never heard of it before.
Khubla
"Chris Johnson" <effigies@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1141410903.031047.82390@u72g2000cwu.googlegroups.com...
Khubla wrote:
I was sent the following article. Religious people can be so dim witted
it
sometimes hard to fathom.
Khubla
<snip>
By Marian Byers
February 28, 2006 | Issue 42·09
The Onion
Americia's Finest New Source
Did you really think that article was serious? That's The Onion, a
satirical newspaper.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Laura Butler" |
|
| Title: Re: Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus? |
03 Mar 2006 01:12:05 PM |
|
|
Oooookay, yeah, that was great for a laugh, anyways! The Onion's pretty
funny, and that article was no exception. That's just great. Sorry you
hadn't heard of it before, Khubla. And hate to get your hopes up, but
there probably ARE people out there who WOULD try "saving" their pets.
The Onion staff has to get their ideas from SOMEWHERE... *eg*
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Related Articles |
|
|
