Study: Euthanizing Right-wing Pundits would Solve Global Warming
10/6/2005
Author says that would be reprehensible, but still a tough call.
EWM - (October 6, 2005) The scientific community was stunned today when
famed French geophysicist Jacques Revanche published a study that concludes
euthanizing right-wing talk show hosts would solve the global warming
problem.
The report sparked a firestorm of controversy across the nation's airwaves,
even as Revanche sought to downplay its findings. "It's true that if you
wanted to stop global warming, you could, if that were your sole purpose,
you could euthanize every right-wing talk show host in this country, and
the global temperature would go down. That would be an impossible,
ridiculous, and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your temperature
would go down."
To gather data for the study, Revanche sneaked into talk show studios
variously disguised as a plumber, hair stylist and, in the case of Bill
O'Reilly, a falafel delivery boy. He then captured air samples in the
vicinity of the hosts and subjected them to rigorous testing.
The results varied widely. For example, Rush Limbaugh's breath was found to
be the pollution equivalent of an 18-ton garbage truck while Michael
Savage's sample scored just below a battery-powered *****.
The project was not without its setbacks, the data had to be reworked when
it was discovered that Fox anchor John Gibson has no cellular activity and
was reclassified as "undead."
Upon learning of the study, conservative talking heads went into apoplexy.
Sean Hannity became so enraged when co-host Alan Colmes suggested that
right-wing punditry was responsible for Hurricane Katrina, he lifted him by
the throat and gave him a category five wedgie.
But not everyone dismissed the idea. Senator Hillary Clinton suggested that
the conservative broadcasters volunteer to be "put down." In a speech on
the Senate floor, Clinton asked, "how much do they love their country? This
is an opportunity for a vast right wing conspiracy to save America and the
planet. We should reach out to them with our thoughts, prayers and a loaded
revolver."
Meanwhile, the Christian evangelical community, which was conspicuously
silent after Republican lackey turned talk show host Bill Bennett made
similar remarks regarding aborting all black babies, went into full howl in
defense of the right-wing pundits. CBN President Pat Robertson went the
farthest saying he would get the CIA to "take Revanche out."
Editor's Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly
Unbalanced Journalist, it's his calling.
http://www.eyewitnessmuse.com/musings.php?p=163
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