BOOB OF A BRIDEGROOM GOSH-DARN HAPPY - & HE'S PLAYING IT TO THE JILT
By ANDREA PEYSER

JENNIFER Wilbanks hails from a slice of the South where 32-year-old
never-married women are either insane, in prison or gay.

But while her mental fitness is currently up for debate, and her sexual
orientation has not been road-tested, as her idiot fianc has made sure
to reveal, I'm beginning to believe something far more sinister is
afoot in the state of Georgia.

There may be good reason why a pop-eyed femme fatale who's fairly long
in the tooth, by Scarlett O'Hara standards, chose to flee from her
marriage to a willing bridegroom who may not be the most brilliant
buttercup in the bouquet, but nonetheless appears to possess the
majority of his teeth.

Perhaps Jennifer and her hubby-not-to-be are far better suited for each
other than meets the eye.

There exists one thing on this planet that's coveted far more
strenuously than love, family, health or good sex. It even trumps money
as the must-have accessory for the bride on the go. Fame.

If you caught Jennifer's jilted schlub, John Mason, being interviewed
by Fox News' Sean Hannity this week, you might have been struck, as I
was, at how gosh-darn gleeful he appears for a guy who's just been
publicly kicked in the teeth, or far more sensitive regions.

"I got to tell you, man, I'm happy," he said. "She's come to the
conclusion that she needs some help on some things, and if it took this
to get her to it, man, praise God she's there."

Got it, man?

Worse, John actually said the hideous, potentially criminal mess
created by Jen - whom he called a "victim" - "ain't none of [the
district attorney's] business."

This, as the Mason family reportedly entertained paying offers from
tabloid TV shows. Call me a cynic. But this joyous conclusion to the
loopy drama that captured the nation, amid a number of genuine
abductions and murders, is offensive, at best. And grounds for hard
time, at worst.

Let's recap:

1. Jennifer, a nurse's aide and marathon runner, agrees to marry John
Mason, a sweet, if maddeningly inarticulate, Sunday-school teacher and
medical assistant.

2. With 600 wedding guests assembling, 14 bridesmaids buying
unfortunate dresses, caterers cooking and parents kvelling, the groom
grows delirious over - finally! - getting a piece. Of wedding cake.


3. Jen disappears.

4. Three days later, Jen calls home, concocting a story of abduction,
before finally copping to the "truth": She ran away to the serenity of
Las Vegas because she was scared.

"Ain't we all messed up?" John said in defending his fiance. "I've made
some doozies, too, man."

Now John is angry at just one person, and it's not the woman who made
him look like a Jennifer Lopez reject. He's mad at the DA who may
prosecute.

There's also a matter of the approximately $60,000 authorities spent on
hunting for her - a sum that doesn't begin to include the amount
wedding guests lost on gifts, clothes, travel and worry.

So isn't it convenient that John's carefully orchestrated media
strategy has attracted the deep checkbooks of TV shows? Maybe the guy's
not as dumb as he looks.

The last image we have of Jennifer Wilbanks came on the day she was
led, bride of Taliban-style, on a plane with a striped blanket over her
face in place of a wedding veil.

"We have not, you know, broken the sanctity of marriage yet, if that's
the right way of putting it. In God's eye our relationship is still
very pure . . . Very platonic relationship," John gushed on TV.

Thanks for sharing, man.

Next, tune in for: Like a Virgin No More - John and Jennifer's
Wedding Video!

They deserve the best.

BOOB OF A BRIDEGROOM GOSH-DARN HAPPY - & HE'S PLAYING IT TO THE JILT
By ANDREA PEYSER

JENNIFER Wilbanks hails from a slice of the South where 32-year-old
never-married women are either insane, in prison or gay.

But while her mental fitness is currently up for debate, and her sexual
orientation has not been road-tested, as her idiot fianc has made sure
to reveal, I'm beginning to believe something far more sinister is
afoot in the state of Georgia.

BOOB OF A BRIDEGROOM GOSH-DARN HAPPY - & HE'S PLAYING IT TO THE JILT
By ANDREA PEYSER

snip
The last image we have of Jennifer Wilbanks came on the day she was
led, bride of Taliban-style, on a plane with a striped blanket over her
face in place of a wedding veil.

snip