Bush Pardons Entire GOP
Prez "pre-emptively" saves all Repubs from becoming "prison bitches."
Dems: "Can he do that?"
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Mark Morford
Allegedly reacting to some sort of hallucinogenic fever dream following an
overlong bubble bath during which he reportedly sputtered lots of
motorboat noises and ate one too many purple crayons, President Bush today
made the stunning yet somehow entirely understandable announcement that
all Republicans in his administration are hereby officially excused from
any and all crimes they have committed, are in the process of committing,
are planning to commit, or even merely fantasize about committing while
encased in sweaty latex bodysuits in any one of a number of GOP-friendly
D.C. fetish dungeons.

"People! My people!" Bush shouted suddenly during an otherwise completely
useless press conference, raising his arms over his head and tilting his
head back and convulsing slightly, just as a nameless reporter finished
asking a question about... oh like it even matters because we all know the
answer would've been complete bulls--- anyway so let's just say,
immigration policy reform.

"Come to me, you shockingly large numbers of corrupt and disgraced
Republican senators, representatives, aides, deputies, secretaries,
lobbyists, governors and mayors and secretly gay meth-snorting right-wing
Christian evangelists, and I shall remove from you the burden of legal,
ethical, spiritual and yes even genital responsibility for all crimes you
have almost certainly committed under the dark umbrella that is me! I am
the walrus!"

Bush was apparently emboldened by his unprecedented and widely reviled
commutation of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's prison sentence just recently, a
move widely considered to be one of the more repellent abuses of power in
a kaleidoscopic drunken funhouse of abuses lo these past 6.5 years, though
he appeared to be staring up at the heavens as he spoke, just little bit
astonished that lightning was not striking him dead on the spot.

"DeLay! Gonzales! Abramoff! Rumsfeld! Frist and Scalia and Ashcroft and
Rove! Hastert and Duke Cunningham and Dusty Foggo! Ralph Reed! Mark Foley,
Ted Haggard and Jeff Gannon! Abu Ghraib instigators! Guantanamo endorsers!
WMD believers! FEMA! Plamegate! Terry Schaivo hypocrites! Torturers and
influence peddlers and domestic wiretappers, Halliburton bribers and
no-bid contractors and dark Carlyle Group overlords!

"Also: Sex education misinformers, global warming deniers, scientist
muzzlers, Energy Task Force liars, Iraq Study Group deniers, 9/11 Report
ignorers, Medicare scammers, Diebold voting machine swindlers! Bogus
Jessica Lynch and Saddam statue and fake Thanksgiving turkey event
stagers! And all the rest I can't remember because wow there are just so
damn many! Come to me and be not someone's prison ***** despite how you
really, really deserve it! I hereby pardon you aaaaaalllll!"

Curiously, the bizarre announcement came as no surprise to White House
insiders. An anonymous source close to the president suggested that Bush
secretly hoped that, if he made another big, vaguely unconstutional,
degrading announcement that stabbed at the very heart of the republic,
***** Cheney might come up from behind again and give him another approving
pat on the butt, much like a master gives a puppy. Cheney was unavailable
for comment, as he was off shooting hundreds of flightless pheasants in
the face with a shotgun from 2 feet away, and chuckling sinisterly.

Stunned reporters who attempted to ask Bush some immediate follow-up
questions were quickly shouted down by the president. "Yay, me! The list
of criminals in my administration is so long, I thought I'd just take care
of it all in one file swipe," Bush shouted, apparently invoking yet
another cute Bushism that might or might not refer, Freudian-slip style,
to his love of either illegal wiretapping, Karl Rove's 'accidentally'
deleted emails, or Lynne Cheney's secret stash of erotic lesbian digital
photography.

"Whoops, I mean fell swoop! Yes! Wait a sec, what's a fell swoop? What
funny words in my mouth! Say it over and over again, 'fell swoop fell
swoop fell swoop fellswoop fellswoopfellswoop.' Haw! Loses all meaning."

White House spokesman and former Fox News automaton Tony Snow, himself
rumored to be seeking regular psychiatric treatment to combat recurring
nightmares in which his emaciated soul is being eaten by angry pink
rabbits in a dank Wal-Mart sub-basement in Alabama, was quick to step in
and deflect reporters' questions as Bush was carefully led offstage,
frothing slightly at the mouth.

"Let me say right here and now: It is fully within the president's
constitutional right to, uh, preemptively pardon all criminal Republicans
who are all, of course, totally innocent and who have all been -- or, you
know, will soon be -- wrongly accused by terrorist-loving liberals who
hate our freedoms and have a very obvious gay agenda," he muttered, his
eyes rolling around in his skull like marbles in Satan's pinball machine.

"Hey! Don't forget the crazy stuff Bill Clinton did almost 10 years ago!
Oh my God! And what about Sept. 11th? Your children are in danger! Twin
towers! Death from above! Support our troops! Gay agenda! Watch Fox News
or the terrorists win! P.S.: Ann Coulter, please call me because you left
a spiked bra and a switchblade and a gallon of ketamine at my apartment.
Thank you. No more questions at this time."

Word of the Universal Republican Pardon (URP) quickly spread to the
current Democratic congressional leadership, who were, naturally, slightly
upset.

"This is a true outrage!" screamed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, apparently
frantically entering search terms into Wikipedia in her office iMac in an
attempt to see what the hell was actually happening.

"He can't do that! Wait, can he? Can he do that? Isn't there some sort of,
like, legal or constitutional mechanism in place to stop him from doing
stuff like that?" Pelosi scanned the confused faces of the various
congressional aides standing around her office, but got nothing back but
lots of people staring at their feet. "Hello? Anyone? What the hell do I
pay you people for?!"

Pelosi then sighed heavily and sipped some organic green tea. "You know
what it makes me wish? It makes me wish there some sort of, say, large
political body here in Washington, one that was right now controlled by,
say, a completely different political party than this awful president,"
she said wistfully, as the aides glanced at each other furtively and
rolled their eyes.

"Wouldn't that be great? And this group would have, say, some sort of
legal and political oversight power to step in and stop this sort of
thing, to formally rebuke the president and demand some sort of
accountability and maybe even launch formal impeachment proceedings? Can
you imagine?"

"I like to think it would be some sort of deeply flawed but absolutely
essential system of, oh I don't know, checks and balances or something,
and it would help ensure that this cretinous mealy mouthed little
sonofabitch couldn't get away with stuff like this anymore.

"That would be so cool, wouldn't it? Man, I wish we had something like
that here in America. Don't you?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thoughts for the author? E-mail him.


Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on
SFGate and in the Datebook section of the San Francisco Chronicle. To get
on the e-mail list for this column, please click here and remove one
article of clothing.

Mark's column also has an RSS feed and an archive of past columns, which
includes another tiny photo of Mark probably insufficient for you to
recognize him in the street and give him gifts.

Bush Pardons Entire GOP
Prez "pre-emptively" saves all Repubs from becoming "prison bitches." Dems:
"Can he do that?"
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Mark Morford
Allegedly reacting to some sort of hallucinogenic fever dream following an
overlong bubble bath during which he reportedly sputtered lots of motorboat
noises and ate one too many purple crayons, President Bush today made the
stunning yet somehow entirely understandable announcement that all
Republicans in his administration are hereby officially excused from any and
all crimes they have committed, are in the process of committing, are
planning to commit, or even merely fantasize about committing while encased
in sweaty latex bodysuits in any one of a number of GOP-friendly D.C. fetish
dungeons.

"People! My people!" Bush shouted suddenly during an otherwise completely
useless press conference, raising his arms over his head and tilting his
head back and convulsing slightly, just as a nameless reporter finished
asking a question about... oh like it even matters because we all know the
answer would've been complete bulls--- anyway so let's just say, immigration
policy reform.

"Come to me, you shockingly large numbers of corrupt and disgraced
Republican senators, representatives, aides, deputies, secretaries,
lobbyists, governors and mayors and secretly gay meth-snorting right-wing
Christian evangelists, and I shall remove from you the burden of legal,
ethical, spiritual and yes even genital responsibility for all crimes you
have almost certainly committed under the dark umbrella that is me! I am the
walrus!"

Bush was apparently emboldened by his unprecedented and widely reviled
commutation of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's prison sentence just recently, a
move widely considered to be one of the more repellent abuses of power in a
kaleidoscopic drunken funhouse of abuses lo these past 6.5 years, though he
appeared to be staring up at the heavens as he spoke, just little bit
astonished that lightning was not striking him dead on the spot.

"DeLay! Gonzales! Abramoff! Rumsfeld! Frist and Scalia and Ashcroft and
Rove! Hastert and Duke Cunningham and Dusty Foggo! Ralph Reed! Mark Foley,
Ted Haggard and Jeff Gannon! Abu Ghraib instigators! Guantanamo endorsers!
WMD believers! FEMA! Plamegate! Terry Schaivo hypocrites! Torturers and
influence peddlers and domestic wiretappers, Halliburton bribers and no-bid
contractors and dark Carlyle Group overlords!

"Also: Sex education misinformers, global warming deniers, scientist
muzzlers, Energy Task Force liars, Iraq Study Group deniers, 9/11 Report
ignorers, Medicare scammers, Diebold voting machine swindlers! Bogus Jessica
Lynch and Saddam statue and fake Thanksgiving turkey event stagers! And all
the rest I can't remember because wow there are just so damn many! Come to
me and be not someone's prison ***** despite how you really, really deserve
it! I hereby pardon you aaaaaalllll!"

Curiously, the bizarre announcement came as no surprise to White House
insiders. An anonymous source close to the president suggested that Bush
secretly hoped that, if he made another big, vaguely unconstutional,
degrading announcement that stabbed at the very heart of the republic, *****
Cheney might come up from behind again and give him another approving pat on
the butt, much like a master gives a puppy. Cheney was unavailable for
comment, as he was off shooting hundreds of flightless pheasants in the face
with a shotgun from 2 feet away, and chuckling sinisterly.

Stunned reporters who attempted to ask Bush some immediate follow-up
questions were quickly shouted down by the president. "Yay, me! The list of
criminals in my administration is so long, I thought I'd just take care of
it all in one file swipe," Bush shouted, apparently invoking yet another
cute Bushism that might or might not refer, Freudian-slip style, to his love
of either illegal wiretapping, Karl Rove's 'accidentally' deleted emails, or
Lynne Cheney's secret stash of erotic lesbian digital photography.

"Whoops, I mean fell swoop! Yes! Wait a sec, what's a fell swoop? What funny
words in my mouth! Say it over and over again, 'fell swoop fell swoop fell
swoop fellswoop fellswoopfellswoop.' Haw! Loses all meaning."

White House spokesman and former Fox News automaton Tony Snow, himself
rumored to be seeking regular psychiatric treatment to combat recurring
nightmares in which his emaciated soul is being eaten by angry pink rabbits
in a dank Wal-Mart sub-basement in Alabama, was quick to step in and deflect
reporters' questions as Bush was carefully led offstage, frothing slightly
at the mouth.

"Let me say right here and now: It is fully within the president's
constitutional right to, uh, preemptively pardon all criminal Republicans
who are all, of course, totally innocent and who have all been -- or, you
know, will soon be -- wrongly accused by terrorist-loving liberals who hate
our freedoms and have a very obvious gay agenda," he muttered, his eyes
rolling around in his skull like marbles in Satan's pinball machine.

"Hey! Don't forget the crazy stuff Bill Clinton did almost 10 years ago! Oh
my God! And what about Sept. 11th? Your children are in danger! Twin towers!
Death from above! Support our troops! Gay agenda! Watch Fox News or the
terrorists win! P.S.: Ann Coulter, please call me because you left a spiked
bra and a switchblade and a gallon of ketamine at my apartment. Thank you.
No more questions at this time."

Word of the Universal Republican Pardon (URP) quickly spread to the current
Democratic congressional leadership, who were, naturally, slightly upset.

"This is a true outrage!" screamed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, apparently
frantically entering search terms into Wikipedia in her office iMac in an
attempt to see what the hell was actually happening.

"He can't do that! Wait, can he? Can he do that? Isn't there some sort of,
like, legal or constitutional mechanism in place to stop him from doing
stuff like that?" Pelosi scanned the confused faces of the various
congressional aides standing around her office, but got nothing back but
lots of people staring at their feet. "Hello? Anyone? What the hell do I pay
you people for?!"

Pelosi then sighed heavily and sipped some organic green tea. "You know what
it makes me wish? It makes me wish there some sort of, say, large political
body here in Washington, one that was right now controlled by, say, a
completely different political party than this awful president," she said
wistfully, as the aides glanced at each other furtively and rolled their
eyes.

"Wouldn't that be great? And this group would have, say, some sort of legal
and political oversight power to step in and stop this sort of thing, to
formally rebuke the president and demand some sort of accountability and
maybe even launch formal impeachment proceedings? Can you imagine?"

"I like to think it would be some sort of deeply flawed but absolutely
essential system of, oh I don't know, checks and balances or something, and
it would help ensure that this cretinous mealy mouthed little sonofabitch
couldn't get away with stuff like this anymore.

"That would be so cool, wouldn't it? Man, I wish we had something like that
here in America. Don't you?"


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--

Thoughts for the author? E-mail him.


Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on
SFGate and in the Datebook section of the San Francisco Chronicle. To get on
the e-mail list for this column, please click here and remove one article of
clothing.

Mark's column also has an RSS feed and an archive of past columns, which
includes another tiny photo of Mark probably insufficient for you to
recognize him in the street and give him gifts.

Bush Pardons Entire GOP
Prez "pre-emptively" saves all Repubs from becoming "prison bitches." Dems:
"Can he do that?"
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Mark Morford
Allegedly reacting to some sort of hallucinogenic fever dream following an
overlong bubble bath during which he reportedly sputtered lots of motorboat
noises and ate one too many purple crayons, President Bush today made the
stunning yet somehow entirely understandable announcement that all
Republicans in his administration are hereby officially excused from any and
all crimes they have committed, are in the process of committing, are
planning to commit, or even merely fantasize about committing while encased
in sweaty latex bodysuits in any one of a number of GOP-friendly D.C. fetish
dungeons.

"People! My people!" Bush shouted suddenly during an otherwise completely
useless press conference, raising his arms over his head and tilting his
head back and convulsing slightly, just as a nameless reporter finished
asking a question about... oh like it even matters because we all know the
answer would've been complete bulls--- anyway so let's just say, immigration
policy reform.

"Come to me, you shockingly large numbers of corrupt and disgraced
Republican senators, representatives, aides, deputies, secretaries,
lobbyists, governors and mayors and secretly gay meth-snorting right-wing
Christian evangelists, and I shall remove from you the burden of legal,
ethical, spiritual and yes even genital responsibility for all crimes you
have almost certainly committed under the dark umbrella that is me! I am the
walrus!"

Bush was apparently emboldened by his unprecedented and widely reviled
commutation of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's prison sentence just recently, a
move widely considered to be one of the more repellent abuses of power in a
kaleidoscopic drunken funhouse of abuses lo these past 6.5 years, though he
appeared to be staring up at the heavens as he spoke, just little bit
astonished that lightning was not striking him dead on the spot.

"DeLay! Gonzales! Abramoff! Rumsfeld! Frist and Scalia and Ashcroft and
Rove! Hastert and Duke Cunningham and Dusty Foggo! Ralph Reed! Mark Foley,
Ted Haggard and Jeff Gannon! Abu Ghraib instigators! Guantanamo endorsers!
WMD believers! FEMA! Plamegate! Terry Schaivo hypocrites! Torturers and
influence peddlers and domestic wiretappers, Halliburton bribers and no-bid
contractors and dark Carlyle Group overlords!

"Also: Sex education misinformers, global warming deniers, scientist
muzzlers, Energy Task Force liars, Iraq Study Group deniers, 9/11 Report
ignorers, Medicare scammers, Diebold voting machine swindlers! Bogus Jessica
Lynch and Saddam statue and fake Thanksgiving turkey event stagers! And all
the rest I can't remember because wow there are just so damn many! Come to
me and be not someone's prison ***** despite how you really, really deserve
it! I hereby pardon you aaaaaalllll!"

Curiously, the bizarre announcement came as no surprise to White House
insiders. An anonymous source close to the president suggested that Bush
secretly hoped that, if he made another big, vaguely unconstutional,
degrading announcement that stabbed at the very heart of the republic, *****
Cheney might come up from behind again and give him another approving pat on
the butt, much like a master gives a puppy. Cheney was unavailable for
comment, as he was off shooting hundreds of flightless pheasants in the face
with a shotgun from 2 feet away, and chuckling sinisterly.

Stunned reporters who attempted to ask Bush some immediate follow-up
questions were quickly shouted down by the president. "Yay, me! The list of
criminals in my administration is so long, I thought I'd just take care of
it all in one file swipe," Bush shouted, apparently invoking yet another
cute Bushism that might or might not refer, Freudian-slip style, to his love
of either illegal wiretapping, Karl Rove's 'accidentally' deleted emails, or
Lynne Cheney's secret stash of erotic lesbian digital photography.

"Whoops, I mean fell swoop! Yes! Wait a sec, what's a fell swoop? What funny
words in my mouth! Say it over and over again, 'fell swoop fell swoop fell
swoop fellswoop fellswoopfellswoop.' Haw! Loses all meaning."

White House spokesman and former Fox News automaton Tony Snow, himself
rumored to be seeking regular psychiatric treatment to combat recurring
nightmares in which his emaciated soul is being eaten by angry pink rabbits
in a dank Wal-Mart sub-basement in Alabama, was quick to step in and deflect
reporters' questions as Bush was carefully led offstage, frothing slightly
at the mouth.

"Let me say right here and now: It is fully within the president's
constitutional right to, uh, preemptively pardon all criminal Republicans
who are all, of course, totally innocent and who have all been -- or, you
know, will soon be -- wrongly accused by terrorist-loving liberals who hate
our freedoms and have a very obvious gay agenda," he muttered, his eyes
rolling around in his skull like marbles in Satan's pinball machine.

"Hey! Don't forget the crazy stuff Bill Clinton did almost 10 years ago! Oh
my God! And what about Sept. 11th? Your children are in danger! Twin towers!
Death from above! Support our troops! Gay agenda! Watch Fox News or the
terrorists win! P.S.: Ann Coulter, please call me because you left a spiked
bra and a switchblade and a gallon of ketamine at my apartment. Thank you.
No more questions at this time."

Word of the Universal Republican Pardon (URP) quickly spread to the current
Democratic congressional leadership, who were, naturally, slightly upset.

"This is a true outrage!" screamed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, apparently
frantically entering search terms into Wikipedia in her office iMac in an
attempt to see what the hell was actually happening.

"He can't do that! Wait, can he? Can he do that? Isn't there some sort of,
like, legal or constitutional mechanism in place to stop him from doing
stuff like that?" Pelosi scanned the confused faces of the various
congressional aides standing around her office, but got nothing back but
lots of people staring at their feet. "Hello? Anyone? What the hell do I pay
you people for?!"

Pelosi then sighed heavily and sipped some organic green tea. "You know what
it makes me wish? It makes me wish there some sort of, say, large political
body here in Washington, one that was right now controlled by, say, a
completely different political party than this awful president," she said
wistfully, as the aides glanced at each other furtively and rolled their
eyes.

"Wouldn't that be great? And this group would have, say, some sort of legal
and political oversight power to step in and stop this sort of thing, to
formally rebuke the president and demand some sort of accountability and
maybe even launch formal impeachment proceedings? Can you imagine?"

"I like to think it would be some sort of deeply flawed but absolutely
essential system of, oh I don't know, checks and balances or something, and
it would help ensure that this cretinous mealy mouthed little sonofabitch
couldn't get away with stuff like this anymore.

"That would be so cool, wouldn't it? Man, I wish we had something like that
here in America. Don't you?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thoughts for the author? E-mail him.

Mark Morford's Notes & Errata column appears every Wednesday and Friday on
SFGate and in the Datebook section of the San Francisco Chronicle. To get on
the e-mail list for this column, please click here and remove one article of
clothing.

Mark's column also has an RSS feed and an archive of past columns, which
includes another tiny photo of Mark probably insufficient for you to
recognize him in the street and give him gifts.