Religions > Atheism > Chris Dubose last usenet post.. accusing the reponsible person of his impending suicide
| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"JaBrIoL" |
| Date: |
08 May 2004 07:40:13 PM |
| Object: |
Chris Dubose last usenet post.. accusing the reponsible person of his impending suicide |
Chris Dubose killed himself 45 minutes after writing this letter.
he was wrting the letter to Sepideh.
So Carol, please do find Cynthia Dubose, and help by all means
necessary to bring a wrongful death lawsuit against me. I told her,
and I am telling you now..you filthy lying witch, You are going to
lose bigtime.
everything that you write on Usenet is lie, will always be a lie.
You can never present evidence. All you can do is write more
forgeries.
everything from your mouth is worse than horse vomit.
Chris was a sick man. His Mother knew it, his friends knew it and
Sepideh knew it. His ISP knew it. You are a pitiful person to use the
suicide of this man, the same way you use children victims of abuse
to further your hatred against
Jehovahs Witnesses. and I will keep on sending this same e-mail every
time you lie and accuse me of Chris Dubose suicide. It was writen by
him, and it was archived for all to see.
If anybody else feel this sort of replusion of the action of this
women, can send their complaint to
From: unknown@unknown (Truthseeker)
Newsgroups: alt.support.depression.flame
Subject: i'm not trying to hurt you.
Date: Sat, 18 Nov 2000 02:44:32 GMT
Organization: MindSpring Enterprises
Lines: 21
Message-ID: <3a15ed07.1340997@news.mindspring.com>
Reply-To: unknown@unknown
NNTP-Posting-Host: d1.56.d5.5a
X-Server-Date: 18 Nov 2000 02:42:12 GMT
X-Newsreader: Forte Free Agent 1.21/32.243
De :Truthseeker (unknown@unknown)
Objet :i'm not trying to hurt you.
View this article only
Groupes de discussion :alt.support.depression.flame
Date :2000-11-17 18:44:04 PST
please don't ever think i hate you because of what i have to do for
myself. i'm
worried you'll think i hate you or something. it's okay to hate me,
but please
don't think i hate you.
i don't even hate myself. if i really hated myself, i would let
myself keep on
living in this torture. also, it is not your fault in any way. it is
nobody's
fault but mine, but i tried my best, so it's not really anybody's
fault. it's
just the way the world works, and the way human feelings work, and the
way it
all works just isn't compatible with my life for living.
i also hope you never feel guilty, or hate yourself because i'm doing
what i
have to do for myself. life goes on, and you can find happiness, and
someone to
share it with. i hope you don't feel too lonely, and find what you're
looking
for.
to others, if sepideh ever starts thinking that i must have hated her
to do what
i will have done, please show this to her.
truthseeker
.
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| User: "McKois" |
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| Title: Re: Chris Dubose last usenet post.. accusing the reponsible person of his impending suicide |
08 May 2004 09:09:43 PM |
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"JaBrIoL" <Jabriol@excite.com> wrote in message
news:d222de3e.0405081640.1747d5c8@posting.google.com...
Chris Dubose killed himself 45 minutes after writing this letter.
he was wrting the letter to Sepideh.
So Carol, please do find Cynthia Dubose, and help by all means
necessary to bring a wrongful death lawsuit against me. I told her,
and I am telling you now..you filthy lying witch, You are going to
lose bigtime.
** What the hell are you talking about? You keep threatening me over one
thing or another. If she wants to bring suit against you that's HER
business! And I'll say it again - YOU did taunt him and goad him there on
his depression NG. You then posted gruesome descriptions of what you
thought his death was like. I remember it well. Are you proud of that and
yourself? Why are you reposting all that garbage using a re-mailer? Why
are you trying to hide your identity and then blame others for your posts?
Have you gone completely "crazy?"
everything that you write on Usenet is lie, will always be a lie.
** No Jabriol - YOU are the known troll and liar. I have many posts of
people from several NG call you a liar. You are the most despised person on
Usenet.
You can never present evidence. All you can do is write more
forgeries.
** What forgeries???? You even took to posting using the DuBose family
name, and other people's names. You didn't fool anyone because of your poor
spelling and grammar. And you have the audacity to call me a forger? You
even forged posts and thought you'd trick my ISP. You were furious when he
told you they were forgeries and then asked people to make complaints
against this ISP. You are a despicable person Jabriol - the lowest scum on
earth. And now you're using re-mailers to hide behind.
everything from your mouth is worse than horse vomit.
** YOU ARE HORSE VOMIT!
Chris was a sick man. His Mother knew it, his friends knew it and
Sepideh knew it. His ISP knew it.
** Right - so you thought by ENCOURAGING him to kill himself you would be
helping him. Tell us another one Jabbers. How stupid do you think people
are?
You are a pitiful person to use the
suicide of this man, the same way you use children victims of abuse
to further your hatred against
Jehovahs Witnesses.
** Here it comes, the same old rhetoric, the same old BS. You clearly
encouraged this young man to commit suicide with your taunts - you did
nothing *but* cruelly encourage him to commit suicide. You give him no hope
for the future, no understanding or compassion. Reminds me of how you
treated your daughter after the rape.
And STOP using re-mailers and forging headers. Everyone knows it's you and
everyone is tired of it. What is your motive for this? You shame Chris's
name by trying to fool everyone that you are Cynthia giving you forgiveness.
That forged post was enough to make me puke!
--
The WTS Expoza...
Jabriol should be more careful in the way he presents
himself. Some people here might start pulling out all those JW quotes
about "knowing the tree by its fruit" (credit to Campbell)
==============================================><>
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| User: "JaBrIoL" |
|
| Title: Re: Chris Dubose last usenet post.. accusing the reponsible person of his impending suicide |
09 May 2004 07:08:42 AM |
|
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"McKois" <petFish@spamless.net> wrote in message news:<q72dnejcy_RxDwDdRVn-sw@heartoftn.net>...
"JaBrIoL" <Jabriol@excite.com> wrote in message
news:d222de3e.0405081640.1747d5c8@posting.google.com...
Chris Dubose killed himself 45 minutes after writing this letter.
he was wrting the letter to Sepideh.
So Carol, please do find Cynthia Dubose, and help by all means
necessary to bring a wrongful death lawsuit against me. I told her,
and I am telling you now..you filthy lying witch, You are going to
lose bigtime.
** What the hell are you talking about? You keep threatening me over one
thing or another. If she wants to bring suit against you that's HER
business! And I'll say it again - YOU did taunt him and goad him there on
his depression NG.
That is not Cynthia Dubose write, You old lying Hag, You lie always,
here is the truth from Cynthia,
Chris Dubose
(from my memorial web site for Chris --
http://chris.dubose-design.com)
Chris had been unhappy for a very long time. His suicide was not, I
believe, an impulsive act, but something he had thought about for a
long time. However, it was his involvement with a woman he developed
strong feelings for in the last few months of his life that triggered
this final act.
(Nothing here from cyntia about being goaded by me or anyone else)
This was a girl that Chris knew through the newsgroup
alt.support.depression that he frequented, though for a long time she
was just a casual friend. I'll call her Sarah (not her real name). She
lived on the East Coast, and in about September she started talking
about her upcoming graduation from college, and somehow (I'm not sure
if this was his idea or hers) she got the idea of possibly moving to
San Diego and working at the company Chris worked at. Chris actually
took steps through his company to facilitate this -- giving them her
resume and offering his recommendation.
SEPTEMBER
This was the point where I started hearing about her. Chris used to
visit me every two weeks in the last few months, and we would watch
episodes of the TV shows Xena and Hercules that he had taped. In
September he started talking about Sarah almost constantly. He told me
how excited he was that she might be coming to San Diego so he could
actually meet her. I was a little worried, and cautioned him not to
get too attached to her before he knew how she felt. He assured me
that he would not, but I was worried -- I could tell how much he
really cared.
All seemed to be going well, though, so I was not too worried at that
point. She was friendly to him, and gave him her phone number. I had
my fingers crossed, because he had gotten hung up on girls before, and
it had turned out they hadn't shared his feelings. I urged him to make
sure he knew how SHE felt before letting his feelings develop to a
critical point.
OCTOBER
It was during this month that Chris's insecurities and fears about
this relationship started showing up here and there in his emails to
her. Sarah seemed to enjoy her email and newsgroup contacts with Chris
and corresponded with him frequently. But his fear of abandonment,
such a powerful force within him, made him begin to worry.
In the beginning of the month, Sarah confided some troubles she was
having, and Chris was very supportive and friendly. She wrote: "I am
sorry that I could not talk much earlier. I had company, and the phone
seems quiet for some reason. Anyway, I hope you are okay. And I very
much hope that you don't crash, and that you do know that I care about
you and want to be your friend."
But she also wrote, a couple of days later: "Chris, don't like me more
than you should. There is no logical reason for you to like me like
that. It doesn't make sense at all."
Chris took this very well, but a few days later, he wrote:
"Please tell me what's going on. you really seem to be trying to avoid
me, yet you don't tell me you don't want me around. and as far as i
know i haven't done anything horribly wrong in the past few days, have
I? is there anything you need to know from me? is there anything you
need to tell me? don't worry, I can take it, if that's what you're
worried about. I'm amazed at how I've been able to accept my
situation. I feel reasonably confident I could handle any situation
without falling apart."
At this point, he was reasonably in control, but concerned. They
continued to correspond, agreeably discussing such things as books and
everyday happenings. Then, on Halloween night his loneliness seemed to
overcome him and spilled over in an email to Sarah:
"I am completely alone and completely lonely... all the time, every
minute of every day of every year, and there's nothing I can do about
it, probably not ever. nobody wants to associate with a lonely person
even once. kind of makes it hard to overcome the loneliness. I can't
even bear it right now. but there are so many other people who are
lonely, and they must be tended to first. this world really sucks. I
can hardly live another day. ...
please help me. please say something. you never say much to me any
more. I'm so sorry for being a burden. my hope in life is almost
completely gone. I know you lie. you've admitted it yourself twice
that you regularly lie. and I'm almost certain you've said things to
comfort me, but weren't really the truth. I wish you would tell the
truth no matter how much you think it would hurt me. I would feel
better. it's too scary thinking that what your hiding is so horrible
that you have to lie to me. of course, I don't know for sure that you
have lied to me in that way, but if you have let me know."
He just could not believe, in his heart, that anyone who acted as if
she liked him could possibly be telling the truth. Sarah responded to
this in general terms, with a description of how lonely she felt, and
then added, without elaboration, the single sentence:
"I don't know what you think I am lying to you about."
She was kind of like that -- she always responded more with logic than
emotion to Chris's neediness.
In an attempt, perhaps, to get more emotional input Chris apparently
called her at a bad time, and in her next email she said: "I was upset
when you called last night because I specifically told you that I was
going to bed. I really don't have the time to take care of anyone else
being sad besides me right now. It is effort enough to keep myself
from being sad or worried about school."
NOVEMBER
The 7th
Meanwhile, Chris had received via email some pictures of Sarah and, by
mail, a copy of her senior thesis at college, and both were very
impressive to him. He was now head-over-heels in love with her, and he
could not contain his feelings. He wrote this on election day,
November 7:
"you're a million times more important than any political outcome. I
don't care who wins. I just wish I was with you. just in your
presence. don't even care what we do or don't do. just being with you,
and feeling like you cared about me or didn't mind being with me,
would make all the difference in the world. I just wanted to say that.
{{{{{{Sarah}}}}}}"
Characteristically, she responded in a neutral, conversational vein to
this outpouring of feeling:
"Dear Chris,
I hope that the outcome of today will not effect you too much
emotionally. You can't really know what a political party will do
until they are in power. I saw a cute sticker on campus today. ***** +
Bush = We're Screwed.
--Sarah"
(I must add that Chris had very strong feelings about politics, and
was very antithetical to the idea of George Bush and the Republicans
coming into power. He had at one time said he would kill himself if
Bush got elected! However, it's my belief that the tension generated
by the uncertainty of the election had a stronger effect on his
emotional state than did the outcome -- which we didn't even know
about until after his death, of course.) On election day Chris and I
stayed up almost all night watching the election returns on TV and on
cnn.com, and corresponding with each other over ICQ about the amazing
reversals of fortune. He seemed interested and excited. I had no idea
of the dark thoughts he was having at that time -- I did not even know
then that he had threatened suicide if Bush won.
I guess Chris was not totally involved in watching election returns,
however, because he posted this to alt.support.depression late that
night:
"this song has the wonderful lyrics of any ELO song. it doesn't stop
bringing me to tears even after repeated listenings. this is a perfect
goodbye song.
ELO - Ticket to the Moon
"remember the good old 1980s
when things were so uncomplicated
I wish I could go back there again
and everything could be the same
I've got a ticket to the moon
I'll be leaving here
any day soon
yeah
I've got a ticket to the moon
but I'd rather see the sunrise
....in your eyes.
got a ticket to the moon
I'll be rising high
above the earth so soon
and the tears I cry might
turn into the rain
that gently falls upon your window
....you'll never know.
chorus:
ticket to the moon... (repeat)
fly, fly through a troubled sky
up to a new world
shining bright oh-oh!
flying high above
soaring madly through the mysteries that come
wondering sadly if the ways that led me here
could turn around and I would see you there
standing there (and I would see you there, waiting...)
ticket... to the moon!
flight leaves here today
from satellite Two!
as the minutes go by
what should I do?
I paid the fare, what more can I say!
it's JUST ONE WAY (only one way)...
ticket to the moon.... (repeat chorus)"
(After he died, I found a printout of these lyrics on the seat of his
car.)
The 8th
On this day, Chris called Sarah and his phone records show he had a
fairly long conversation, 21 minutes, with her. (It was the last
conversation he had with her by phone, apparently. His records show 19
more calls to her in the next few days of one minute each -- most
likely, just receiving her answering machine, or a brief rejection. It
seems she had decided not to talk to him by phone any more.)
In an email to another friend the next day (I'll call her Delia),
Chris described his conversation with Sarah:
"I talked to Sarah on the phone last night (Wednesday night). we
talked a little, mostly about her school classes and her senior thesis
project. she also mentioned she had a father who did research much
like Sarah's doing now. she said her father died when she was a child.
she said if I do a search for [her last name] on Yahoo, I'll find some
of her father's dissertations and stuff."
So Chris did an internet search on Sarah's last name, and that night
sent her this email, with the subject "I see how worthless I am":
"I look at the pages of all your guy friends who mention you on their
websites (and therefore appear on the Yahoo search of [your last
name]) and I realize I am nothing compared to them. They are ten times
cooler than I could ever even imagine being myself. And that you
yourself are in an elite crowd which I could never hope to even touch,
not even hardly see it from a distance. This depresses me beyond what
I can bear."
Sarah's deification was now almost complete. She was a goddess on her
throne in his eyes at this point, and his emotional state was very
very low. Chris then sent Sarah a series of emails in which he
expressed his absolute and total conviction that she was going to
abandon him after she graduated and would take pains to make sure he
would never be able to get in touch with her again. (These fears just
seemed to be a product of his depressed state and his discovery of her
"cool" friends on the internet rather than anything she had said or
done.) She replied:
"I will do as I will. I have no clue what that is. maybe I will not be
depressed when I move? maybe I will not have an internet connection
because I feel like I am addicted? I don't know right now. I just
don't know."
The 9th
Chris took this as a confirmation of his worst fears. He emailed the
following to Delia on the morning of the 9th: "it's obvious from her
last email she plan to abandon me. I cannot live with that. I just
can't. there is not even close to a way I can live with that. please
respond, and let me know what you think of the whole thing. this is
the ultimate crisis in my entire lifetime. and almost certainly the
last. :("
Chris also emailed Sarah with his fears, and she responded: "Why is it
so important to be my friend? I don't understand. You seem obsessed
rather than in search of friendship."
Later, Sarah posted on alt.support.depression that she had received a
job offer. Chris emailed her asking, in what seemed to be genuine good
feeling, who she had gotten the offer from and where they were. She
replied: "Chris, I don't like you taking so much interest in my life.
it is freaking me out. stop"
The 10th
It was becoming clear that Sarah was truly recoiling from Chris's
interest in her, that it wasn't just his imagination any more, and his
state became worse than ever. On the 10th he commenced a series of
desperate emails to her in which an almost violent self-condemnation
was the dominant theme.
The first, which is very long, I've decided to include almost in its
entirety because it so clearly expresses Chris's deepest wishes and
fears for his life. (The parts I've left out were those that related
to some of the personal details of Sarah's life.)
"I need to tell you that I'm not going to make it. death for me is the
best choice for both our sakes. I don't need to apologize for that
because I am doing the right thing. if I decided to continue to live,
that I would have to apologize for. and it would be the most horribly
selfish thing to do, given my circumstances and my now permanent state
of despair and hopelessness. and in fact I do apologize for living to
this point and making it harder than it could have been.
I should have died long ago.
you and I are a lot alike in many ways. the main difference is that
you are a successful version of me. you are physically and mentally
good enough to accomplish what I could only dream. you have the
confidence to take on all kinds of responsibilities and the confidence
that you have a good chance of achieving whatever you set out to do,
whether academically, socially, relationship-wise, physically,
anything, and you have the confidence to go out and do it. I imagine
life would be unbearable torture for you if you were as physically and
mentally unendowed as I am. I know your life is torture as it is, but
you can at least live through it.
[omission of personal details]
I also wanted to make a positive difference in your life too. nobody I
like ever seems to want me to make a positive difference in their
life. I wanted to love and give at least as much as I received. but
people don't want me to do that for them, because it creates an
obligation in their minds to return it to me, which they don't want to
do because they are not interested in me, which is because I have no
world of my own, or rather my world is empty and desolate. but I have
no hope of making a positive difference in your life now either, in
addition to having no hope of exploring your world. maybe I could
create something of a world for myself if I were lifted up by someone
else's world. but that is by far insufficient.
it's only hope alone that kept me alive at all the last few years. all
trace of it is gone and I know it can never come back. I realize I
don't love you, so it is no loss for you. I am incapable of loving
you, or anybody else. I am not strong enough to love. if I were, I
would be able to live *and* get over you and not suffer so that you
wouldn't suffer, because I know you don't want me to suffer as badly
as I am. but getting over you is not close to possible, and I've known
I had no hope of getting over you for at least a month and a half.
except for maybe one possible way. my only hope of getting over you
was to establish some good memories with you, enough for you to live
on. but even then I'm not sure that would enable me to get over you,
though I'd come a lot closer to being able to. but I know that cannot
happen now.
[omission of personal details]
it is not your fault at all. you already went overboard to care about
me. you've gone above and beyond the call of duty to try to support
me. but my pain is just too unbearable, and has been, for months, even
years. and now with all hope gone, the pain is there every minute of
every day, constantly, and I cannot live with that. I have been
prepared for this for a while. this is not a spur of the moment thing.
I cannot go on knowing every person I will ever like is profoundly
hurt by me, and cannot like me.
in the long term, you'll be happier. I am finally putting your life
above mine. it may make you sad for a little while that I had to die,
but you'd be in greater agony for much longer if I continued to live
in my torturous life. death is not wrong, or something to fear or be
ashamed of, for someone in my circumstance. it's just moving on to an
unknown state of being that we can't imagine. I am curious to explore
it. I am still a little scared, but logically I realize death is
scarier than it needs to be. and with all hope gone, I might even
become a monster if I continued to live. but even if I didn't, my life
would be torturous and unbearable, even more than it was just a few
days ago. you'll be happier in the long run, knowing that have found
peace, and am not suffering any more."
He seemed to be boxing himself in, emotionally. I am of the belief
that our thoughts are very important, and we can get ourselves in a
very small, tight place by improper thinking ... this seems to me to
be what was happening with Chris. By having these thoughts, and not
being able to counter them with any doubts whatsoever, he made it
harder for anyone else to get through with more positive thoughts.
This day and the morning of the 11th Chris sent 4 more emails in a
similar vein to Sarah.
The 11th
On this evening, Sarah posted the following message on
alt.support.depression:
"You are a paranoid person with no respect for other peoples emotions.
You have issues that are beyond the scope of simply being solved by
the help of supportive friends. You have messed up HUGE and are really
bothering me with the emails you are sending me. As of now, you are
going into a filter which destroys all your email before I see it. You
are also on my ICQ ignore list.
I tried to be nice to you and respond supportively, but that seems to
mess you up more and more so I am making this statement in a public
forum so you don't feel that this is personal. It is just that I can't
deal with you or fix you, and I think you expect me to.
I am also making this statement here so other people know that you are
sending me suicide threats and can take action if they feel it is
necessary. It is beyond my power to help or call anyone about these
feelings you are having because acknowledging them will cause you to
further cling onto me and might further all your weirdness."
This was a terrible, terrible blow to Chris. This must have confirmed
every fear about himself that he had ever had, had ever hoped against
hope was not true.
That night, I have since learned, he went out to the railroad tracks
intending to kill himself. He apparently flipped a coin as to which
track to lie on. He lay on the wrong one, by chance. Here's his
description of it in an email to Delia:
"what happened last night was pretty horrible. what I thought was a
certainty, turned out to be a 50-50 Russian roulette, and by chance, I
survived. I could have easily died right there, if the coin flip was
heads instead of tails, and I was sure it would. it was scary at
first, but when it was about 5 seconds away, I grew calm and all
thoughts disappeared. I just looked into the bright, beautiful white
light. but then about 2 seconds away, I realized I was on the wrong
track. and to my shock, I was unscathed. I felt both relief and
immense torment combined. it is hard to describe, it is unimaginable.
it's hard to even remember. I was in shock, psychological only.
physically, I was unscathed. but I knew I couldn't do it again that
night. I don't think I can do it again, not knowing whether I'll be
"lucky" or not.
I don't like Russian roulette. I like certainty. I don't know what to
do now."
From this point on, it seemed Chris was in a shocked state. He stated
in one post he felt like a victim of Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome --
which most likely he was. (However, he never posted on
alt.support.depression about what he happened to cause the trauma --
no one on that board knew about what he had done on the night of the
11th. Even Sarah did not know.)
The 13th
From here on Chris seemed to be in a desperate struggle to redeem the
"second chance" he had gotten, and to rescue his relationship with
Sarah. In a post entitled "How can a 2.5 year friendship be destroyed
just like that?" (referring to the length of time he had been
acquainted with Sarah) he wrote:
"how can a 2.5 year friendship be destroyed just like that? just at
the snap of a finger? only I can make someone cancel a 2.5 year
friendship and make them abandon me completely and make them feel
completely good about doing it, without missing the friendship in the
slightest. nobody ever misses being an acquaintanceship with me in the
slightest, ever, no matter how long it lasted. were those 2.5 years
really that meaningless? please tell me.
anybody who's ever been an acquaintance to me, including all asders,
no matter how long. they never care about the friendship. they never
want to keep it. I'm always the one that has to do all the work. and
then one day they just decide to up and leave it, without feeling bad
at all, without missing the former friendship in the slightest. I'm
the only one that ever misses it.
what is so fundamentally wrong with me? "
To which she replied:
"You are SICK! And you push people away. You push and push and make
people hate you by having NO respect for ANYONE's personal boundaries.
Explicitly, I want you to read the following things you wrote. Don't
you think that these things are sexually harassing or invading on my
personal space? Don't you think that just randomly asking things about
someone's personal life just to collect data to add to your twisted
fantasy is wrong? And don't you dare cancel this post. This IS what
you wrote. This IS who you are. If you don't like it, change it. But
don't blame me. And say hi to my kill file for me. You are getting
thrown in it now. You take one unrequited obsession and trade it for
another. I tried to be your friend and help you through your crap, and
then you just tossed all your problems onto me making me the subject
ct of them.
Oh, I removed all names from this so as not to overly involve personal
info about you in this. [sic]"
....and she proceeded to post several of the private emails he had sent
her on the 10th and 11th, including one in which he had spoken of his
sexual desire for her.
Chris tried valiantly to defend himself:
"you think it's a violation of your personal boundaries for me to say
what I did there by private email, yet you post this deeply private
stuff so the whole world can see it and you don't think THAT's a
violation of your boundaries????? (not just mine, but yours too?)
asking what company you got a job offer from is violation of your
personal boundaries, at a time when you were just recently before that
answering much more personal questions, and always willingly telling
me who you were interviewing every week, and telling me much more
personal stuff without showing any hint that I was getting too
personal???? now I know not to ask you any questions any more, but at
the time I wrote that, I had no clue you thought that was "too
personal". up until that very point you had not been getting on me for
asking too many questions or getting too personal, so I didn't know!
you make it sound like I was just some stranger out of the blue asking
you these questions and saying these things, when in fact we were
pretty good acquaintances over the internet and were telling each
other a good number of things.
what you posted was misleading it makes people think that I just said
all that stuff as a stranger, like we had never talked about personal
private stuff before and here I come out of the blue saying these
things. I would post some stuff to prove that we were decent
acquaintances but I don't want to post your private emails because I
don't want to violate your privacy like you just violated mine. but
we've talked of quite a number of personal things for the last 2.5
years at least. so it wasn't like I didn't know you well enough.
and, btw, I didn't cancel your post, as much as I want to and think it
should be cancelled. I think it is outrageous you post my private
sexual desires about you and I'm surprised you don't feel violated
yourself with other people including strangers reading it. I did not
think you would feel harassed by that at all. I thought you would
think it was simply normal to have those kinds of feelings. I am very
sorry you felt harassed by that. I never meant to harass you at all.
why didn't you tell me that privately soon after I wrote it?
all that said, I know I have been acting crazy lately."
Given his emotional state at this time, it seems like an exceedingly
gracious and reasoned response. But some of the asders defended Sarah.
This turn of events deepened his despair. Later the same evening he
posted the following, under the heading "I thought for the first time
I might actually make it":
"today, for the first time in quite a while, a couple of weeks at
least, I actually thought there was the slightest chance I might make
it through this. but after seeing all the posts here against me, I'm
back to knowing I won't make it, no matter how much I try to repent or
be a perfectly good person or be reasonable against even the worst
unconditional vitriol against me. a lot of people hate me viciously
unconditionally for things they don't know even really know about.
some people even wish I would die, though I don't blame them.
actually, some of those who wish I would die probably actually care
about me the most. but some wish I would be put away in a mental
facility never to be seen again in the outside world, forcefully
drugged for the rest of my life, knowing that would be far worse than
death. that is the ultimate hatred.
I was given a second chance at life against my will. it was so cruel
of that to happen. and I'm trying to make something of that 2nd
chance. "
The 14th
Chris was starting to suffer severe post-trauma symptoms (this is a
post to alt.support.depression, "another hard night coming"):
"another sleep-interrupted night coming... more tears... more
uncontrolled waking up in terror and tears every time the faintest
sound of a train whistle blows... more chances of uncontrollable
near-vomiting. it's the same every night. I am living without hope,
without even hope of hope. I am living completely alone, forever. I
will one day die, even more alone, in complete darkness. "
The responses this time were kind and comforting, and Sarah stayed out
of it.
The 16th
At 4:30 in the morning (Pacific time) he attempted for the last time
to call Sarah, and left a brief message in which he was in tears
(according to her later post on asd).
Later in the morning, he must have been thinking about the future,
because he sent emails to two of his cousins in Texas (whom he had
never met) and one to me, with his Christmas wish list.
That evening, he updated his personal web site by adding two pages of
pictures of himself.
But no more emails to anyone.
Only one long post on alt.support.depression.flame, basically telling
everyone not to care about him any more.
The 17th
Chris's last day was a lonely one. He was home from work, awaiting a
call to jury duty.
He replied to one email sent to him early in the morning, giving him
some well-meant advice about his difficulties with relationships.
Chris rejected it curtly.
Then he spent several hours playing "Word Racer" on Yahoo Games. This
lasted until about 2:30 in the afternoon, and for the next several
hours he perused various web sites (a look at his Netscape Cache
reveals) such as a Xena and Hercules site, the site for his high
school, a site describing different personality types, and, finally, a
site containing lyrics to ELO and other groups' songs. He apparently
printed some of these out. But no more emails, and no posts to
newsgroups for most of the day, except for a mysterious one to
rec.sport.tennis asking for the name of the web site for the Chase
Tournament ("need answer quick" -- but no one replied until the next
day).
At 5:50 he called Delia, but it was only a one-minute call, so perhaps
she was not there.
I have the honor of having sent the last email to him that he
received, at 6:30 that night. I was telling him that he was "Member of
the Moment" on a message board that we both belonged to ... with every
refresh of a page, a different member's picture is displayed. I did
not know it changed with every visit, and I wanted to cheer Chris up
(I guess at some level I knew he was down). By looking at his cache I
can see he did visit the site, and that he was not "Member of the
Moment" any more. He replied to me, somewhat ruefully I thought,
saying yeah, he knew that, it changed every time. (Of course, I have
had the wild thought that if he HAD still been "Member of the Moment",
maybe he would have changed his mind!)
At 6:44, he posted the following, his final message to
alt.support.depression:
"please don't ever think I hate you because of what I have to do for
myself. I'm worried you'll think I hate you or something. it's okay to
hate me, but please don't think I hate you.
I don't even hate myself. if I really hated myself, I would let myself
keep on living in this torture. also, it is not your fault in any way.
it is nobody's fault but mine, but I tried my best, so it's not really
anybody's fault. it's just the way the world works, and the way human
feelings work, and the way it all works just isn't compatible with my
life for living.
I also hope you never feel guilty, or hate yourself because I'm doing
what I
have to do for myself. life goes on, and you can find happiness, and
someone
to share it with. I hope you don't feel too lonely, and find what
you're looking for.
to others, if Sarah ever starts thinking that I must have hated her to
do what I will have done, please show this to her.
truth seeker"
He appears to be resigned to shutting away all feelings: of anger, of
sadness, of love, of despair, of anything; to no chance of
understanding or resolving anything .... "It's just the way the world
works." It is the most profound and heart-breaking of messages.
At 6:45 P.M. he emailed Delia the lyrics to the LEO song I have
printed below. Then he shut down his computer.
He took his car and drove it to a remote area near the railroad
tracks. He parked on a side street near the tracks, locked his wallet
and keys in the trunk, and then began his last lonely walk down to the
tracks, through brush and trees, a fifteen-minute walk at least. Upon
arriving, he lay down on the tracks (his neck on the rail as he had
once talked about doing on asd) and awaited a train -- and this time
he did not fail in his intended mission.
He was run over by a train at 7:35 P.M., and killed instantly.
When they found his body, the lyrics to this ELO song were found in
his pocket:
Did you see your friend crying from his eyes today
Did you see him run through the streets and far away
Aah
Did you see him run, did you see him fall
Did his life flash by at the bedroom door
Did you hear the news it came across the air today
Someone has been found on the rocks down in the bay
Ahhh
Did you see him hide, did you see him crawl
Does his life mean more than it did before
Did you see that man running through the streets today
Did you catch his face, was it 10538
Ahhhh
10538 Overture, Electric Light Orchestra
After having written this, I feel I truly understand what Chris was
going through in his last days (as much as anyone can, anyway). This
has been very necessary for me, as I was not "there" when all this
happened, but living my life at a remove from his. Doing this page has
brought me into closer contact with Chris, and though my heart breaks
at the thought of his profound unhappiness, at least I have found some
peace in being able to put together the emotional string I feel he was
following. I feel like I have been "there" for Chris in writing this
in a way I was not able to be when it happened. And so I would like to
say to him -- Chris, I understand, and I will not judge you, and I
will always love you so very much.
When we found his car several days later, parked near the railroad
tracks, it tore at my heart to see the book I found lying in the back
seat -- a book entitled "Self Esteem".
And another one I found in his apartment that he had recently bought
-- "The Art of Loving" by Erich From.
Chris was searching for love, and when he thought he would never find
it, that there would never be any chance, he took his life.
I would like to make it clear that I am not blaming the young woman
I'm referring to as "Sarah" on this page. Chris was very desperate
internally, and any crisis of this nature was likely to set it off.
This page is not written to heap blame upon someone involved in
something that she did not know how to handle and certainly did not
ask for. She says she cared about him, and I believe it is so; I think
she was overwhelmed. This page has been written solely to illuminate
Chris's heart and soul and make his poignant struggle in his last days
more visible to the world
.. It is for Chris, who felt he had disappeared from everyone's view.
On this page, he has not. Here, he lives.
Cynthia
mom of Chris
2/7/74 -- 11/17/00
Lay in front of train
http://chris.dubose-design.com
"Good night sweet prince..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you find Carol's actions, repulsive for using the death Of Chris
dubose to further her hate agenda against JW's.
send abuse report to
.
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| User: "Christopher A. Lee" |
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| Title: Re: Chris Dubose last usenet post.. accusing the reponsible person of his impending suicide |
08 May 2004 09:50:21 PM |
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On Sat, 8 May 2004 21:09:43 -0500, "McKois" <petFish@spamless.net>
wrote:
"JaBrIoL" <Jabriol@excite.com> wrote in message
news:d222de3e.0405081640.1747d5c8@posting.google.com...
Chris Dubose killed himself 45 minutes after writing this letter.
he was wrting the letter to Sepideh.
So Carol, please do find Cynthia Dubose, and help by all means
necessary to bring a wrongful death lawsuit against me. I told her,
and I am telling you now..you filthy lying witch, You are going to
lose bigtime.
** What the hell are you talking about? You keep threatening me over one
thing or another. If she wants to bring suit against you that's HER
business! And I'll say it again - YOU did taunt him and goad him there on
his depression NG. You then posted gruesome descriptions of what you
thought his death was like. I remember it well. Are you proud of that and
yourself? Why are you reposting all that garbage using a re-mailer? Why
are you trying to hide your identity and then blame others for your posts?
Have you gone completely "crazy?"
So he can bypass everybody's killfiles.
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