Andy Borowitz: CIA to Monitor New Year's Resolutions
Hopes to Decipher Threats in Yearly Promises
By: Andy Borowitz
Published: Jan 3, 2006 at 08:57
http://www.yubanet.com/artman/publish/article_29875.shtml
In what some are calling a troubling expansion of the controversial
practice
of domestic spying, the Central Intelligence Agency announced today that it
would begin monitoring the New Year's resolutions of ordinary American
citizens.
CIA director Porter Goss said that a high-tech central monitoring station
had already been established at the agency's headquarters in Langley,
Virginia to eavesdrop on what he expects to be between two to three hundred
million New Year's resolutions in the days ahead.
Mr. Goss defended the agency's decision to listen in on Americans' personal
vows for the New Year as "an important new tactic in the war on terror."
"Many Americans believe that their New Year's resolutions are their own
business," Mr. Goss said. "But like many things Americans believe, they are
wrong."
"There is a fine line between a resolution, a promise, and a threat," he
added.
The CIA director said that if Americans make innocent resolutions, like
cutting back on cigarettes or alcohol, they have nothing to fear, but if
their resolutions are more sinister than that, the agency "has the right to
know."
"If your New Year's resolution is something along the lines of, 'I promise
to spend less time watching TV and more time on jihad,' that's a piece of
information that could be very helpful to us," he said.
At the White House, President Bush told reporters that he intended to lose
220 pounds in 2006, a remark that was widely interpreted as referring to
top
advisor Karl Rove.
Elsewhere, the medical community reacted with skepticism to the news that a
dog had successfully cloned a South Korean scientist.
---
http://www.ElmerFudd.US/ http://www.rightard.org/ http://www.thedarkwind.org/
"Someone give bush a ***** so we can finally impeach him" -- AVet4Peace
"Frankly, I do not give her the time of day (18:20 MST)" -- Quaoar
"How do you evolutionists explain the Caribbean Explosion?" -- Anonymous
.
|
