Creationists Evolving At Alarming Speed ::: 15.11.2005, 20:08
by Michael Less*
In a surprise announcement, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced
today that it is announcing to the public that creationists are evolving,
advising the United States and even the world at large to heed their
announcement.
Signs of evolution have been present in creationists ever since they learned
that they should call themselves "intelligent designists", but now there are
signs that more changes are to come, with some having occurred already.
"Some have already developed prehensile tails," Dr. Julie Gerlichinghtz,
medical director of the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, observed,
"and they are mutating at an astonishingly rapid rate for such a backward
species."
"Before long, they may even have opposable thumbs," she added fearfully.
Worse yet, Gerlichinghtz said, is the possibility of the dilution of the
gene pool with inferior genes, a concern of proud humans with silly
mustaches and feelings of superiority everywhere.
"If this evolutionary process continues we may expect their genes to
reassort with genes from a normal human being, and then widespread
human-to-human infection could occur," she said. "If this happens we could
have a pandemic of human ignorance not seen since the Y2K scare. And we all
know what a fiasco that was."
The World Health Organization (WHO ARE YOU, WHO-OO, WHO-OO) issued a similar
alert.
"We are witnessing exceedingly rapid evolutionary change within this
species," said Dr. Nigel Pharte of the British Academy of Science. "This
group is characterized by excessive preoccupation with the past and an
unwillingness and inability to seek practical solutions to the simplest of
problems. Over here, we just call them French."
Pharte also commented that instead of saying "fries", Britons say "chips".
Scientists warn that if creationists continue to evolve, they will pose an
even greater threat to society than past epidemics of ignorance. As
inheritors of the "flat earth" and "fluoride poisoning" genes, this new
strain could cause the loss of millions of hours of productive school board
and classroom time by forcing educators and students to listen to their
deadly attacks, scientifically known as "drivelous".
"I didn't come from no pond scum," said the Rev. Billy Bob Joe Harry
Hickson, spokesperson for the rapidly evolving group, whose father was
actually an advanced form of seaweed, much different than pond scum. "And
don't go trying your evil-utionary preversions out on me."
Rev. Hickson, who believes that he came from a handful of dirt and his wife
from a bloody rib, is insistent that there is no scientific proof of
evolution.
"Just look at me," he boasted."I haven't learned a single new thing in
years."
Rev. Hickson also issued a formal reply to Dr. Gerlichinghtz's comments,
explaining that "we don't need no uppity woman tellin' us what to think."
Among the groups most at risk of infection from this new plague are soccer
moms and Rotarians. Not known for critical thinking on a good day, these
groups share numerous common vectors of infection, most notably the SUV.
*Josh Righter contributed to this article.
source: enduringvision.com
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