| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Fredric L. Rice" |
| Date: |
15 Dec 2004 08:48:46 PM |
| Object: |
FAQ for New SUV and H2 "Hummer" Owners |
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ for New SUV and H2 "Hummer" Owners
Last update: December 2004
http://www.elmerfudd.us/suvfaq.htm
Q1: I made the original down payment on an H2 "Hummer" and
I've been driving it for over half a year now and I still
can't find my penis and women still hate me and call me an
*****. When does the H2 "Hummer" start to kick in? When
will I finally be a real man?
A1: Some new H2 owners will experience continued feelings
of inadequacy for some time after they purchase their surrogate
penis however rest assured that your perceptions are false:
Women really do want to have sex with you, it's only the
lesbians who continue to call you names and take out restraining
orders against you. Also don't worry: Your penis is humongous
now. Trust your new "Hummer."
Q2: When I bought my Ford Expedition about a year ago, I was
told that I would be going to the mountains, driving through
deserts and heavy mud, camping out under the stars with at
least two hot High School girls. Instead I'm stuck in traffic
90% of the time, slogging back and forth between home, K-Mart,
and work. When will I start being a rugged mountain logging
man?
A2: If you're experiencing city traffic and have not yet become
an adventurous mountain man, the problem isn't with your SUV,
it's with liberal environmentalists and Communist Democrats
who are conspiring to destroy America's freedoms hand-in-hand
with Iraqi terrorists (which really, really do exist.) With
the election of President George W. Bush, this temporary problem
will shortly be corrected and any day now you'll become a rugged,
action-filled adventurer.
Q3: My neighbor bought a really manly SUV so I had to go buy
one even bigger to prove I'm a better man. I was amused about
a month later when he came around a bend on the freeway at
around 100 miles an hour and rolled it, killing himself and
all his family members and everyone in a couple of other cars.
But I started wondering if I'm going to also die in a screaming,
burning wreck taking other people's kids out with me like he did.
Should I worry?
A4: No, there's no need to worry! All SUV accidents are
investigated by the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB)
and media reports about massive carnage and an 11% greater
fatality rate involving SUVs compared to girly cars are highly
exaggerated. The NTSB has consistently found in every single
accident involving SUVs that other drivers have always been at
fault; it's never been the driver of an SUV that's ever caused
an accident. An education campaign is planned to inform drivers
of girly cars that they must stop getting in the way of real
men like you and stop causing these accidents which took out
your neighbor's family. You have nothing to worry about.
Q5: I can't stand it any more. I'm really getting tired of
all the men, women, and children who flip me off when I'm
driving my H2 "Hummer" around town. What's their problem?
What can I do about these people who shout stuff like "PIG!"
and "*****!" and stuff as they flip me off?
A5: They're jealous of you. It's not anyone who can purchase
an H2 "Hummer," after all, it takes a real man and these people
-- even the High School girls who flip you off -- are jealous
of the fact that they can't be as manly a man as you are. What
you should do is sit there and glare at them really, really bad:
Let them know you're not going to take that guilt trip abuse
without giving them the glaring of their lives. Also many of
them secretly want to have sex with you but are too
embarrassed to ask
so you should ask them.
Q6: Someone keeps putting citations on my SUV's windshield
claiming I'm supporting terrorism, killing the environment,
that I'm a selfish pig, and that my SUV is maiming other drivers
on the highway. These traffic citations are piling up because
I don't see an address of where I need to go to fight these
tickets in court. Will they come and arrest me for not paying
these tickets? I don't think I should have to since there's
no address I can see on where to mail in fines.
A6: No, you don't have to pay those or do anything with them.
You may tear them up and throw them away along with any parking
ticket or other traffic citation you may be issued. As an SUV
owner you're entitled to special driving privileges that
inferior men don't share, and if any police officer tells you
differently, you should explain to the liberal about your rights
as a SUV driver to do whatever the Hell you want when you want
to do it.
Q7: Why do so many people in other cars and people walking on
the sidewalk hold up two fingers a couple of inches apart and
point at my SUV and laugh?
A7: They're probably trying to tell you that you have a door
ajar or that they believe one of your tires is under inflated.
Check to make sure that all of your doors are closed properly
and if they are, be sure to check your tire pressure.
Q8: About once a week or so I walk out to my SUV and I find a
bumper sticker on my H2 "Hummer" either saying I'm changing the
environment or that I'm "compensating," whatever that means.
What's happening to me?
A8: There's a Communist Liberal by the name of Arianna
Huffington who hates America and she travels around the world
putting these bumper stickers on people's Constitutionally
protected SUVs and "Hummers" because she hates America. It's
just loony liberal nut blather which doesn't mean anything so
you can ignore it. If you want it to stop, you need to send
her email and demand that she stop harassing you else you'll
call the FBI. That'll make her stop.
Q9: I think there's something wrong with my "Hummer." Every two
days I have to refill my gas tank even though I only drive around
the city from home to work and back. I've checked for leaks and
I don't smell leaking gasoline when I'm driving so I'm thinking
there must be some reason why I'm only getting 10 miles to the
gallon. What's up with that?
A9: There's nothing wrong with your car. What's wrong is the
notion that as an American your personal vehicle needs to be
engineered for fuel economy -- a Communist notion if ever there
was one. When you drive a "Hummer," you're driving freedom,
liberty, apple pie, and God -- the Christian God -- and nobody --
absolutely nobody! -- has the right to tell you to drive some
Fresh wimpy girly car. When you fill your gas tank every other
day, you're filling your tank with freedom.
Q10: I got me one of those Hummies with the jungle camouflage
paint job, really big tires, and I wear Army clothes when I drive
my Hummie, just like my fellow Hummie drivers in Iraq. Question:
am I allowed to shoot brown people like they do and get away with
it like they do? And if so, what about homos? Can I shoot homos
too if I see homos on the sidewalk?
A10: Yes, as an H2 "Hummer" driver you're entitled to shoot as many
brown-skinned people and homosexuals as you want to. There are a
few police officers who might pull you over after engaging in your
Constitutionally protected Second Amendment rights, but most police
officers will notice your "Hummer," its really cool camouflage, and
support the troops by not stopping you or giving you problems. If
a police officer does pull you over, all you need do is show him or
her your Republican Party membership card or your National Rifel
Association membership card and they'll cut you loose to continue
exercising your American rights. Any police officer who still
gives you a hassle is a closet queer and, of course, fair game.
---
Stop Elmer Fudd web site: http://www.ElmerFudd.US/
Covert text file server: http://www.notserver.com/
.
|
|
| User: "Mike Painter" |
|
| Title: Re: FAQ for New SUV and H2 "Hummer" Owners |
16 Dec 2004 12:38:19 PM |
|
|
Fredric L. Rice wrote:
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ for New SUV and H2 "Hummer" Owners
Last update: December 2004
http://www.elmerfudd.us/suvfaq.htm
Q1: I made the original down payment on an H2 "Hummer" and
I've been driving it for over half a year now and I still
can't find my penis and women still hate me and call me an
*****. When does the H2 "Hummer" start to kick in? When
will I finally be a real man?
A1: Some new H2 owners will experience continued feelings
of inadequacy for some time after they purchase their surrogate
penis however rest assured that your perceptions are false:
Women really do want to have sex with you, it's only the
lesbians who continue to call you names and take out restraining
orders against you. Also don't worry: Your penis is humongous
now. Trust your new "Hummer."
While the rest of this article is factual in nature this answer may not be
as complete as it should be.
Until you have done the manly thing of removing the seatbelts and airbags
from the vehicle your feelings of inadequacy may continue. No real man wants
or needs to be strapped down and the women and children can be replaced in
the event of an accident and they don't hold on.
.
|
|
|
|
|
Related Articles |
|
|
