| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"towelie" |
| Date: |
30 Sep 2005 04:31:39 PM |
| Object: |
First draft of Pat Robertson's fatwa apology |
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/news/opinion/12486315.htm
My fellow sinners,
The other night I made a statement about Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez
that's been widely misinterpreted by the heathen media and even some of my
friends in the ministry.
As you know, Seńor Chávez has been going around saying there's a secret
American plot to assassinate him. In my broadcast I recommended that ``we
really ought to go ahead and do it.''
I admit that was a mistake. I first should've touched base with God.
Assassination is a pretty big deal, and it's always a good idea to go
through the proper channels.
Many of my colleagues in the evangelical community are upset about what I
said, and some have even faxed me copies of the Sixth Commandment, which I
re-read last night before The Sopranos came on.
At first glance, the words seem straightforward and crystal clear: Thou
shalt not kill.
Yet if you study that phrase closely, I think you'll agree that God could
have been a little more specific.
Thou shalt not kill what -- all living things? Come on.
Who amongst us hasn't swatted a mosquito, squashed a cockroach or shot an
eight-point buck the day after deer season ended?
My fellow Christians, think about it. If God didn't want us to take the life
of any other living creature, would He not have long ago smote Col. Sanders
and Burger King -- and what of Truly Nolen, which has remorselessly snuffed
billions upon billions of tiny termites?
So we are left to conclude that God is somewhat flexible on the issue of
killing; that the premeditated execution of certain life forms doesn't seem
to bother Him all that much.
For guidance on this question, look to the Old Testament. If God truly
regarded all creatures as equal, He wouldn't have called it a ''plague'' of
locusts. He would have called it a pep rally.
And surely the word pestilence wouldn't appear in the Scriptures if God
didn't believe in the concept of pests.
Which brings me to President Chávez down in Venezuela. We know that he's a
troublemaker who speaks out against the foreign policies of the United
States. We know he's a pal of Fidel Castro, that no-good communist dictator.
And we know his country's got loads and loads of precious oil.
So why not kill him, I wondered, as one would kill any pest? That's the
modest scenario I proposed the other night on this program.
God unblessed America
I had no idea that people would be so upset and surprised. Heck, for years
I've been blurting out stuff that sounds ignorant and un-Christian and
downright loony.
It was yours truly who declared that the Sept. 11 attack was God ''lifting
His protection'' as payback for this country legalizing abortions and
banning prayer in the schools.
I was the one who once predicted that God would destroy the Soviet Union
with earthquakes and volcanoes. I also took credit for scaring a hurricane
away with my prayers and for healing both hernias and hemorrhoids from the
pulpit.
Remember back in '87, when my preacher pal Jimmy Swaggart got caught with
that hooker in a Louisiana motel? It was me (and only me) who figured out
that the whole thing had been set up by the first George Bush, who was vice
president at the time.
So it's not like I've never been called crazy before.
Admittedly, I could've handled the Chávez situation better. Before saying
one word, I should have waited until God spoke personally to me (which He
does every Thursday night, after Will and Grace), and asked Him how He feels
about political assassinations.
Confusing commandment
Thumbs up, Lord, or thumbs down? A definitive answer would certainly help
clear up some of the confusion about the Sixth Commandment. I mean, really,
don't Christians have more important things to worry about?
As a man of faith, I'm proudly and passionately pro-life. Even so, it's hard
to believe that when God said ''Thou Shalt Not Kill,'' He literally meant
thou shalt not kill.
But, while awaiting His further instructions on this topic, I will
contritely withdraw my suggestion that President Chávez be whacked as soon
as possible.
However, nothing prevents me from using my well-known power of prayer to
steer a fearsome Cat-5 hurricane toward this godless evil-doer, or to at
least afflict him with a really uncomfortable hemorrhoid.
.
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