When it comes to *****, big-time, major league *****, you have to
stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated
claims, religion. <snip rest of greatest comment on religion in the
history of mankind>

When it comes to *****, big-time, major league *****, you have to
stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated
claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has
the greatest ***** story ever told. Think about it. Religion has
actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky
who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the
invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do.
And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of
fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you
to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever
'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money!
He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just
can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no
taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good
***** story. Holy *****!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know,
when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried.
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own
image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I
really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live,
the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth,
poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is
definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I
am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a
Supreme Being. This is the kind of ***** you'd expect from an office temp
with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run
universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ***** a long time
ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking
at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever ***** things up like this. So, if there is a
God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least
incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a *****. Doesn't give a
*****, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these
bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and
aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some
spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a *****, I decided to
look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count
on.

And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I
became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at
night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper.
Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other
gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I
can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along,
you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need;
heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an
occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and
we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no
pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we
don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare
clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm
unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't
said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't
pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not
polite.

I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking
trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and
begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better
job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not
nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know,
your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested
for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to ***** that
hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with
the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have
to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but
what about the Divine Plan?

Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan.
Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into
practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been
doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose
the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do?
Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a
Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a
two-dollar prayerbook can come along and ***** up Your Plan?

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your
prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy
Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He
wants to anyway, why the ***** bother praying in the first place? Seems
like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part
and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I
said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two
reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that
counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci
doesn't ***** around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things
that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the
barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that ***** out with one visit.
It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something.
I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers
I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate.
Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God,
50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well
and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who
tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the
same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and
enjoy yourself.

And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary
qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might
want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy
ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood,
although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually
eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally,
I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The
part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men
couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is
no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.

In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this
audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay?
All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is
a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a
little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh,
now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci.
Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!