| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"" |
| Date: |
13 Apr 2006 11:05:55 PM |
| Object: |
"God Calling" Episode One: Hello. I mean HELL-o. |
"God Calling"
Episode One: Hello. I mean HELL-o.
[Scene opens upon the planet Earth at about the visual size of a baseball held
at arm's length]
[Enter stage right - GIANT HAND]
GH (tapping upon the south pole): <knock-knock>
[the sky-shaking knock-knock fills the air all around the world]
[the hand is withdrawn]
GH: Yo, people of Earth!
[Enter stage left - GIANT HAND]
GH (tapping upon Mount Everest): <knock-knock>
GH: Hey, peeps! Listen up! Can I have your attention, please?
[the hand is withdrawn]
[mass commotion can be heard coming from the people of earth, sounding much like
a really big bowl of Rice Crispies onto which has just been poured some milk]
GH: Cool. Now that I've got your attention, permit me to introduce myself. My
name's Bob. Oh, sure, most of you have called me "God" or "Allah" or some such
over the years, but Bob is my real name. Got that? Good.
Now let's get a few things straight, you little parasites. First off,
while I am your creator, I am not omnipotent as some of you would claim. Are we
clear on this?
[lightening from space strike along the eastern region of the U.S.]
GH: There. That was for you, Pat Robertson, you phony little piece of *****.
[Brief close-up of the charred, glowing embers, all that remains of Pat
Robertson's estate - and indeed, all that remains of Pat Robertson himself.]
[Cue Pat's ghost being sucked into the Earth by malicious angry demonic-looking
shadows - a la "Ghost"]
GH: Serves you right, you little peckerhead. How *dare* you presume to order
me about like you do, demanding a hurricane here or a meteor shower there. Just
for your information, the Hell you've been preaching about all these years was
never real.
Until today, of course. I made it especially for you, compliments of the house.
You're quite welcome. Given the manner with which you've pretended to represent
me all these years, it was the very -least- I could do. *****.
While I'm at it, I might as well take care of a few more.
[Lightening bolts appear to charge at the planet from all directions. There is
wailing and gnashing of teeth - every set of gnashing choppers belonging to a
fundie religious zealot of one extreme or another]
Okay, there. Now. On to business.
I guess you wonder why I haven't come around in awhile, eh? Well, to be quite
frank, I tried interacting with you already once, and look what you did with it.
The last time I first began speaking to your kind, you were little more than
hairless chimps with a knack for banging rocks together. In no time, I taught
you the ways of civilization, of enlightenment, how to increase your knowledge
of the world. I taught you science. Then you turned around and fucked it up by
turning it into a goddamned RELIGION, of all things. What the Hell's the matter
with you peeps? Don't you know a good thing when you see it? I mean sure, I'm
real and all, and I can't honestly deny that I do enjoy a little genuflecting
once in awhile, but for crying out loud you've made me out to be a
universe-spanning -TODDLER- with your pathetic little notions. I'm not that bad
of a gal! I won't send you to Hell just because you don't believe in me. I
mean what's WRONG with you? I gave you a GIFT, for crying out loud. And all
you could think to do with it was to establish money-grubbing hive-minds in the
form of "churches" and "mosques" and whatnot.
[More lightening bolts]
Oh, and as if that wasn't enough, just -look- what you've done to the place. I
created you, the world and everything around it, and you're -ruining- it. Of
course, I have identified the source of -that- problem, for somewhere along your
merry little way, you seem to have come up with the freakish notion that for
some reason, I made all of this for YOU! Well I -DIDN'T-, oooo-KAY? You're
just one of many critters on this world that I enjoy. Or at least tolerate.
And somehow you think the whole planet "belongs" to you. To be perfectly
honest, I was -planning- to spend most of my time and attention on mice. You
were barely an afterthought. But when I realized that you'd evolved the ability
to possibly understand some of what's going on, I decided to try and take you
under my proverbial wing and show you the way. I thought it might be nice to
have somebody to talk to who can comprehend the world in terms something like
what I can relate to.
But you blew it. And BOYYYYY, did -you- *BLOW* it. I gave you the concept of
rhythm and fire as tools. You took my gifts and hit the ground running, and you
haven't stopped since. From rhythm sprang music, from which sprang your spoken
languages, and from fire emerged your science. You're doing pretty good in the
knowledge department, but you really rather suck when it comes to the whole
"wisdom" thing. I mean, really. I CREATED YOU NAKED, YOU SICK FUCKS! Why in
the HELL do you think I expect you to cover that which I worked so hard to make
beautiful? Burqas? Veils? Long-sleeved floor-length dresses? Really, you
people are way too much sometimes. Shed your clothes and expose your body to
reality - as it was intended to be. That's just ONE example of how some of you
have so totally fucked things up.
I've seen humans kill each other over the color of a piece of cloth. Sometimes
I think I should just unleash Hell on the whole damned mess and get it over
with. And yet, like any parent, I keep hoping you'll grow out of it any day
now....
Pfeh... "any day now..." Just like the date some of you claim I'm supposed to
"return". Well, I've "returned" all right, but I'm not very pleased with the
mess I'm seeing.
Oh, and while we're at it, we might as well get this whole "problem of evil"
thing out of the way. First off, as I said earlier, I am not omnipotent. I
have my limits just as you have yours. I can't be aware of every point in space
at once, and I can't do absolutely anything I want to. Lightening is a
specialty of mine, but other than that and popping matter out of the Great
Nothing, there's not a whole lot I can do to improve your lot in life. I can't
stop rapes, I can't stop murders, I can't do any of that stuff. At least, not
much more than any of you can. And besides, it's really not healthy for a
species to have a "babysitter" - like most of you seemed to expect me to be.
You have to monitor yourselves and evolve along your own path, I'm not going to
do it for you. There are circumstances in which murder, for instance, can
evolve to become a vital thing for a species. You have the freedom to follow
that path and to see where it leads. I can't force you to alter your evolution
by forcing you to do this or that or to -not- do this or that. All I can do is
relate to you as a species, and try to show you how to get to where you
obviously seem to want to go. And hope that you listen, knowing full well that
you probably won't, at least not for the most part.
Oh, why do I even bother. You're all more stubborn than mules. So many of you
thrive on your primitive animalistic hatred and malice, and you have absolutely
no desire to overcome these things. I think I'm going to go, now. Yes, I'm
turning my back on your world once more. Though only for a little while this
time.
See you around.
God Buck
<P.S. - inevitably, "someone" will wonder, so I might just as well declare now
that no, I do not believe myself to be a god. This was satire. Thank you.>
.
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| User: "Thurisaz, Germanic barbarian" |
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| Title: Re: "God Calling" Episode One: Hello. I mean HELL-o. |
13 Apr 2006 11:21:26 PM |
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Nice ;)
--
"To his friend a man a friend shall prove, and gifts with gifts requite;
But men shall mocking with mockery answer, and fraud with falsehood meet."
(The Poetic Edda)
Must have been written with fundies in mind...
Why I am not a christian:
http://www.carcosa.de/nojebus/nojebus
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