http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4115

Thanks to ...

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4115

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HEAVEN-The soul of Pope John Paul, which entered heaven last week
following a long illness, expressed confusion and disappointment
Saturday, upon learning that the Celestial Kingdom of God to which the
departed faithful ascend in the afterlife is significantly less
luxurious than the Vatican's Papal Palace, in which the pope spent the
past 26 years of his earthly life.

"Where are all the marble statues, sterling-silver chalices, and
gem-encrusted scepters?" the visibly disappointed pope asked. "Where
are the 60-foot-tall stained-glass windows and hand-painted cupolas?
Where are the elaborately outfitted ranks of Swiss Guards? Why isn't
every single surface gilded? This is my eternal reward?"

Heaven, according to the New Testament, has "brilliance like a very
costly stone... of pure gold, like clear glass..." with "twelve
gates... each gate a single pearl." Yet the pope, who spoke from the
afterlife, said heaven is nothing like the "solid-gold city" detailed
at length by John of Patmos in the Book of Revelations.

"Evidently, the Bible was not intended to be taken literally, after
all," John Paul II said. "Don't get me wrong: It's very nice up
here-quite beautiful and serene. It's just not as fancy as what I'm
accustomed to. If I'd known heaven was going to be like this, I
would've taken one last tour through my 50 rooms of velvet-draped
thrones and priceless oil paintings before saying 'Amen' and breathing
my last."

According to the pope, heaven is merely a place of unending peace and
happiness, wherein all the spirits of the Elect live together forever
in perfect harmony and goodness, basking in the rays of God's divine
love.


"Up here, everyone is equal," John Paul II said. "No one has to go
through an elaborate bowing ritual when they greet me. And do you know
how many times my ring has been kissed since I arrived? None. Up here,
I'm mingling with tax collectors, fishermen, and whores. It's just
going to take a little getting used to, is all."

The pope said it is amusing to think that he has been waiting for this
"so-called Paradise" his entire life.

"I spent almost 84 years reciting novenas and Hail Marys to get to this
restful place," John Paul II said. "If I'd wanted peace, quiet, and
pretty clouds, I could've moved to the Italian Riviera. Frankly, this
afterlife represents a significant drop in my standard of living."

"Well, they always said you can't take it with you," he added.


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Good one ...

Fran