Absurdities in the Old Testament
To him that smote Egypt in their firstborn: for his mercy endureth for
ever.--Psalms 136:10
Does the Lord love insects best? They're so nice He made them twice:
On Day 5 He makes "the living creatures of every kind that creep."
Three verses, and 24 hours later, He makes "all kinds of creeping
things of the earth." -- David Plotz, Slate Blogs the Bible
Genesis
1. God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day
from night, on the first day. Yet he didn't make the light producing
objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day (1:14-19). 1:3-5
2. God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second
day) working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God
calls heaven, is intended to separate the higher waters from the lower
waters. 1:6-8
3. Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive
their photosynthetic processes (1:14-19). 1:11
4. In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun,
moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used "for signs".
This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in
the Zodiac in an effort to predict what will happen on Earth. 1:14
5. "He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before
making the stars) and separating light from darkness; then, at the end
of a hard day's work, and almost as an afterthought, he makes the
trillions of stars. 1:16
6. "And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light
upon the earth." 1:17
7. God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the
earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over ... every living thing
that moveth upon the earth." 1:28
8. "I have given you every herb ... and every tree ... for meat."
1:29
9. Even God gets tired sometimes. 2:2
10. God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any
would strike his fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please
him. (Although he was tempted to go for the sheep.) After making the
animals, God has Adam name them all. The naming of several million
species must have kept Adam busy for a while. 2:18-20
11. God's clever, talking serpent. 3:1
12. God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a
little hide and seek with Adam and Eve. 3:8-11
13. God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on
his belly and eat dust. One wonders how he got around before -- by
hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't eat dust, do they? 3:14
14. God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles to grow.
3:17-18
15. God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and
Eve. 3:21
16. God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance
to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life. God knows that if
they do that, they well become "like one of us" and live forever.
3:22-24
17. Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who
finds me shall slay me." This is a strange concern since there were
only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14
18. "And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16
19. "And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell did
she come from? 4:17
20. Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would
be punished sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-
seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24
21. "And to Seth ... was born a son." Where'd he find his wife? 4:26
22. God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam."
So the woman's name was Adam, too! 5:2
23. The first men had incredibly long life spans. 5:5, 5:8, 5:11,
5:14, 5:17, 5:20, 5:23, 5:27, 5:31, 9:29
24. Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven. 5:21-24
25. When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam,
Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech
were all alive at the time of Lamech's birth. Adam lived to see his
great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25
26. When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons.
[Three sons in one year? Was that with one (nameless) wife or
several?] 5:32
27. The "sons of God" copulated with the "daughters of men," and had
sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2-4
28. "There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4
29. God decides to kill all living things because the human
imagination is evil. Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he
promises never to do it again because the human imagination is evil.
Go figure. 6:5
30. God repents. 6:6-7
31. Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but he didn't seem so
perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21).
6:9, 7:1
32. God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So
he killed every living thing to make the world less violent. 6:11-13
33. Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15
34. God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in
the 450 foot ark for ventilation. 6:16
35. "And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten ... for thee,
and for them." 6:21
36. Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female
representatives from each species of "every thing that creepeth upon
the earth." 7:8
37. God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it
rains. 7:11
38. All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day."
7:13-14
39. "The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven
was restrained." This happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2
40. Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the
dove returns without finding any. Then, just seven days later, the
dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf. But how could an
olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive,
they certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day
period. 8:8-11
41. Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for
God. According to 7:8 this would have caused the extinction of all
"clean" animals since only two of each were taken onto the ark. "And
the Lord smelled a sweet savor." After this God "said in his heart"
that he'd never do it again because "man's heart is evil from his
youth." So God killed all living things (6:5) because humans are evil,
and then promises not to do it again (8:21) because humans are evil.
The mind of God is a frightening thing. 8:20-21
42. According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is
true that many do, it is also true that some do not. Sharks and
grizzly bears, for example, are generally much less afraid of us than
we are of them. 9:2
43. "Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the
animals to humans, and they can do whatever they please with them.
This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of
cruelty to animals and environmental destruction. 9:2
44. God is rightly filled with remorse for having killed his
creatures. He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown
them all again. He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever
he sees it, it will remind him of his promise so that he won't be
tempted to do it again. (Every time God sees the rainbow he says to
himself: "Oh, yeah.... That's right. I promised not to drown the
animals again. I guess I'll have to find something else to do.").
9:9-13
45. Noah, the drunk and naked. 9:20-21
46. The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring genealogies
(see 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1:1-17, Lk.3:23-28 for other examples) that we are
told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and
genealogies.") 10:1-32
47. God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower
high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by so doing they
will become omnipotent. 11:4-6
48. God says, "Let us go down ..." Maybe he hasn't been talking to
himself; maybe there is more than one of them up there. Well, however
many there may be, they all decide to come down to confuse the
builders by confounding human language and scattering them [humans]
abroad. 11:7
49. Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4
and Tit.3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") Also note
the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32
50. The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they
descended) was born. Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Gen.36:12). 14:7
51. Abraham laughs at God for telling him that he and Sarah will
have a child, when they are 100 and 90 years old, respectively. 17:17
52. Abraham circumcises himself and all of the males in his
household. Since he supposedly had 318 slaves back in 14:14, poor old
Abe must have been pretty busy with his knife. But it was worth it.
Penises are supremely important to God. And he can't stand foreskins.
17:23-24
53. Abraham feeds God and three angels. 18:1-4
54. Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause,
laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God
if she will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are
so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at
the appointed time. 18:11-14
55. God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that
Abraham might try to stop him. so he asks himself if he should hide
his intentions from Abraham. 18:17
56. "And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33
57. The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are
sexually irresistible to Sodomites. 19:1-5
58. Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)] offers his daughters
to a crowd of angel rapers. 19:8
59. Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was
a "just and righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to
the sex-crazed mob. 19:14
60. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar
of salt. 19:26
61. Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The
daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual
intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you
know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38
62. Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for
the same cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't
resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.
12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.) 20:2
63. "The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had
spoken." And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted
conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2
64. These verses suggest that Ishmael was an infant when his father
abandoned him, yet according to Gen.17:25 and Gen.21:5-8 he must have
been about 16 years old. It must have been tough for poor Hagar to
carry Ishmael on her shoulder and to then "cast him under one of the
shrubs." 21:14-18
65. Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after
Jehovah. But according to Ex.6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that
God's name was Jehovah. 22:14
66. God swears to himself. 22:16
67. Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years
old (Gen.21:1-2, Rom.4:19, Heb.11:12). But here, when he is even
older, he manages to have six more children without any help from God.
25:2
68. Abraham lived to be 175 years old. 25:7
69. Ishmael lived 137 years. 25:17
70. Esau and Jacob were already fighting each other in the womb.
25:22
71. Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used
so effectively on the same king Abimelech. (see Gen.12:13, 20:2). 26:7
72. Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before meeting Rachel.
Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he names Bethel again. (And
it was called Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and
13:3.) 28:19
73. Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob
asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him
Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob
was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going
in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto"
Rachel, too. 29:21-30
74. Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29:23, 25
75. "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare
Jacob a son." (These arrangements never seem to produce daughters.)
30:4
76. Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to
wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9
77. Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so,
when Jacob cam home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely
I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that
night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching
us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
78. And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And
she conceived and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22
79. Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for
Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is
how most other versions translate this verse. 30:27
80. Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having
goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked
baby goats. 30:37-39
81. God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in
Gen.30:37-39. 31:11-12
82. Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to
Israel to signify that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." 32:24-30
83. God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will
henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob
anyway. And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28
84. God renames Jacob a second time. 35:10
85. Jacob names Bethel again. The first time 28:19 the name didn't
stick. 35:15
86. Isaac lives to be 180. 35:28
87. Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to
avoid in 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and
genealogies.") 36:1-43
88. Amalek was born many years after his descendants were
"smitten." (Gen.14:7) 36:12
89. Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses
up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her,
saying: "Let me come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her,
and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins
(38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was
Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18
90. Joseph and his magic divining cup. 44:5, 15
91. Jacob lives to be 147. 47:28
92. "He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with
wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes
bloodshot from drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus? (I
didn't know Jesus had a drinking problem.) 49:11-12
Exodus
93. The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million
in a few hundred years. 1:5,7, 12:37, 38:26
94. The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the
birth of Sargon, an Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE.
(BBC: The tale of the basket) 2:3
95. God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk
with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17
96. God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress.
First, throw your rod on the ground; it will become a snake. Then grab
the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next, make your
hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the
ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9
97. God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been
circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a
sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his
feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God]
let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and
his hatred of foreskins. 4:24-26
98. God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet
in Gen.22:14 Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after
God's name, Jehovah. 6:3
99. Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long list of biblical
characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years,
respectively). 6:16, 18, 20
100. In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses
says, "Behold I am of uncircumcised lips." 6:12, 6:30
101. God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle
just throw your rod down and it will become a serpent. So when the
time comes, Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But
the Egyptian magicians duplicate this trick. Luckily, for Aaron, his
snake swallows theirs. (Whew!) 7:9-13
102. After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to
smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the
famous 10 plagues of Egypt. Unfortunately, the magicians know this
trick too, and they do so with their enchantments. Shucks! Just how
the river could be turned to blood by the Egyptian sorcerers after it
had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is not explained. 7:17-24
103. The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were
all over the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian magicians did
this trick too. (Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the
last performance before doing it again?) After the frog making contest
was declared a draw, all the frogs died and "they gathered them
together upon heaps; and the land stank." I bet. But at least it was
all for the greater glory of God. 8:2-7
104. Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that
the magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were convinced
that Moses and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and
they gave up trying to match the remaining seven plagues. I guess lice
are harder to make than frogs. 8:17-19
105. The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and
lice theme. 8:21
106. The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:6
But a little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God kills them again a
couple more times.
107. The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast.9:9-12
108. Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him
better. 9:14
109. The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the
land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25
110. Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the
face of the whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?) 10:4-5
111. Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this
that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the darkness knew
how to avoid the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had
light in their dwellings." 10:21-23
112. God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors.
That way when he's going around killing Egyptian children, he'll
remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself
when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I remember now. I not supposed to
kill the children in this house." 12:7, 13
113. The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's
horses." But according to Ex.9:3-6
114. God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21 there
wouldn't have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very
grievous murrain." 14:23
115. God removes the wheels from the Egyptians' chariots. 14:25
116. God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils." 15:8
117. If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like
he did to the Egyptians). But otherwise.... 15:26
118. Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water
taste sweet. 15:25
119. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan,
yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than
ten days. 16:35
120. God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water
comes out of it for the people to drink. God's such a clever guy! 17:6
121. As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites
are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls, they start
getting beat. So when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that
the Amalekites get slaughtered. 17:11-12
122. "The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war
with Amalek from generation to generation." So God is still fighting
Amalek. I hope Moses can still keep his hand up. 17:14-16
123. Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and
live. 19:21
124. God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that
thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a
problem.) 20:26
125. If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned."
21:28
126. If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then
"the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29
127. "Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's milk."
23:19
128. God has hornets that bite and kill people.23:27-28
129. God has feet.24:10
130. Six chapters are wasted on divine instructions for making
tables, candlesticks, snuffers, etc. 25 - 30
131. God decrees that priestly garments, girdles, and bonnets shall
be made "for glory and beauty." 28:2, 20, 40
132. God's magical Urim and Thummim 28:30
133. Aaron must wear a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or
God will kill him. 28:34-35
134. God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And thou
shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the
loins even unto the thighs shall they reach." 28:42
135. God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside
the camp as a sin offering. 29:14
136. God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of
Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right big toe,
and then sprinkle the blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some
on Aaron and his sons and on their garments. This will make them
"hallowed." 29:20-21
137. God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul,
kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread or two,
and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the
hands of Aaron and his sons and they wave them before the Lord. This
is a wave offering. 29:22-24
138. Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the
kiddies to wash their hands before supper. 30:20
139. Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his
people." 30:33
140. And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38
141. God's finger. 31:18
142. Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their
clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for
following their divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35
143. Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. 32:11-13
144. "And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto
his people." But how could a good God even consider doing evil to
anyone? 32:14
145. Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance
naked around his golden calf. 32:25
146. Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does
permit a peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning) 33:23
147. God's name is Jealous. 34:14
148. One of the commandments of God is "Thou shalt not seeth a kid in
its mother's milk." 34:26
149. Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40 nights.
34:28
150. After meeting God on mount Sinai, Moses had to cover his face
with a veil to avoid frightening the Israelites. 34:30-35
Leviticus
151. God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic
animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God,
judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions.
Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized
as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the
dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the
Lord." Chapters 1 - 9
152. "For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17, 2:2, 2:9, 2:12, 3:5,
3:16, 6:15, 6:21
153. "It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by
fire." 2:10
154. When you are making your animal sacrifices, be sure to remember
that "all the fat is the Lord's." God loves blood and guts, but most
especially fat. And he doesn't like to share! 3:16
155. "If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone
"sin through ignorance?" Don't your have to at least know that an act
is wrong before it can be sinful? 4:2, 13, 22, 27
156. "The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the
blood seven times before the Lord." 4:6, 4:17
157. If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug) or the
"uncleanness of man" (?), then you'll be both unclean and guilty.
5:2-3
158. "If a soul ... sin through ignorance...." 5:15, 17
159. Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering becomes holy.
6:25-27
160. Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't
eat fat or blood -- these are for God. (And he doesn't like to share!)
7:18-27
161. God gives instructions for "wave offerings" and "heave
offerings." He says these offerings are to be made perpetually "by a
statute for ever." Have you made your heave offering today? 7:30-36
162. Moses dresses up his brother Aaron with "the curious girdle of
the ephod." 8:7-8
163. God's magical Urim and Thummim 8:8
164. Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the
blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood
round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the
whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32
165. Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood
round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave
offering before the Lord. 9:8-21
166. God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people
"shouted and fell on their faces." 9:24
167. God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave
offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15
168. Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to
God. 11:10-12
169. Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20
170. Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things
which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess
he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the
insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that
he would know how many legs they have! 11:23
171. Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31
172. If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if
your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you
are forehead bald, yet clean. 13:40-41
173. "The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not
eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch." 11:7-8
174. "Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an
abomination." 11:41
175. "Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all
four, or whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42
176. "Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing
that creepeth." 11:43
177. God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird
in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven
times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb
and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb,
and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on
his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves
and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering.
14:2-52
178. Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the
treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very
enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is
clean ..." 15:2-15
179. This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of
copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this
is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32
180. God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two
goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven
times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people,
and send it off into the wilderness. 16:6-28
181. Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the
Lord. 17:6
182. Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or
neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are
around. 18:6-18, 20
183. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her
nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even
look at a menstruating woman. 18:19
184. "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou
shalt not sow thy field with a mingled seed: neither shall a garment
mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." 19:19
185. God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is
"uncircumcised" for three years after the trees are planted. 19:23
186. Don't eat anything with blood, don't round the corners of your
head, mar the corners of your beard, make any cuttings in your flesh
for the dead, or print any marks on you. 19:26-28
187. Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31
188. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that
sounds fun!), then all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14
189. Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall
they shave off the corner of their beard." 21:5
190. The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile
himself for his father, or for his mother." 21:11
191. Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would
"profane" it. 21:16-23
192. Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay
away from the altar of God. 21:18
193. A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the
bread of his God." 21:20
194. A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue",
or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping
thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean."
22:3-5
195. God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I
guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we
must do this because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet
savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18
196. God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of
10,000. 26:8
197. God describes the torments that he has planned for those who
displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will
consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little
children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies
shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you
of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons and
daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do
all these nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41
Numbers
198. The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several
million (over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. 1:45-46, 26:51
199. The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being
unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her
drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh
rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm done -- the woman is
free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be
guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity."
5:11-31
200. "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the
Lord heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burned the
complainers alive. That'll teach them. 11:1
201. The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says
he'll give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for
just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of [their]
nostrils, and it be loathsome to [them]." Yuck. 11:4, 19-20
202. "As a nursing father beareth the suckling child...." 11:12
203. God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few
days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and
it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20
204. God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits
[about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of
the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an
approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012)
liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple
million quails for each of several million people. 11:31
205. "Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were
upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way to describe on of
the cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he
probably didn't). Moses, as he is described in the Bible, is anything
but meek (See Num.31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness"). 12:3
206. "If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto
him in a dream." Now there's a reliable way to communicate with
someone! 12:6
207. "And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her
face, should she not be ashamed seven days? 12:14
208. "And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as
grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." This statement may have
been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical exaggeration, or an
actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have
been about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium)
that resulted when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men
in Gen.6:4 Of course, these superhuman god-men should have been
destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33
209. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan,
yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than
ten days. 14:33, 32:13
210. God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of
animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord."
15:3, 13-14, 24
211. "If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin
through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an action is wrong for
it to be sinful? Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance,
you can be forgiven by God if you kill some animals. 15:27-30
212. Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker,
God gets down to some more important business -- like instructing the
people on how to make fringes on their garments. 15:38-39
213. Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud,
bloom, and yield almonds. 17:8
214. Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God
might have to kill you if you get too close.18:3, 22, 32
215. God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal
sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he
makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then
don't Bible-believers perform these sacrifices anymore? Don't they
realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't
they believe God when he says "forever"? 18:17-19
216. The purification of the unclean. These absurd rituals, cruel
sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They
are to be "a perpetual statute" for all humankind. 19:1-22
217. The Red Heifer. Some fundamentalists believe that when a red
heifer is born, Armageddon will soon follow. Well, a red heifer was
born in March 2002 and has been declared ritually acceptable by the
rabbis. So in a few years it can be sacrificed, ushering in, so they
say, the end of the world. You can read all about it here in the
National Review. 19:2
218. God give instructions for burning the "dung" of sacrificial
animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about (that's
why it's in the Bible!). 19:5
219. Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he
did before in Ex.17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the
rock (as God asked him to do this time). For messing up the magic
trick, Moses will never get to the promised land. 20:8-12
220. Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out.
20:11
221. God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many
of them die. 21:6
222. To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image
in the form of a snake (breaking the second commandment) and puts it
on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if
they were previously bit by God's snakes. 21:8
223. "The Book of the wars of the Lord"
(One of the lost books of the Bible) 21:14
224. "And the ***** saw the angel of the LORD." 22:23
225. God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these
with thee?" 22:9
226. God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go
with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as cog had
commanded." And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was
just following God's instructions! 22:20-22
227. Balaam has a nice little chat with his *****. 22:28-30
228. God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16
229. God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even
stronger than a unicorn. 23:22
230. Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam
couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live until the time
of King Saul. (See 1Sam.15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into
pieces.) 24:7
231. God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations,
break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What
a guy! 24:8
232. God's magical Urim and Thummim 27:21
233. In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed
instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of
their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two
chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." 28-29
Deuteronomy
234. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan,
yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than
ten days. 2:7, 8:2, 29:5
235. God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since
they were the descendents of Lot's drunken, incestuous affair with his
daughters (Gen.19:30-38). 2:9, 19
236. "A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time." (They must
have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11, 20-21
237. Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA
standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and 6 feet
wide). 3:11
238. When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he
shall fight for you." 3:22
239. "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither
shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of those that
prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck
with the unedited version. 4:2
240. God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will
their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send infertility and
diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15
241. God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy
God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23
242. God makes people wealthy (or poor). 8:17-18
243. Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of
your heart." 10:16
244. After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all
the strangers that they encounter (Dt.7:2, 16), he tells them to "love
ye therefore the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of
Egypt." 10:19
245. God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his
commands. Why then don't modern Bible-believers stone to death
blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32
246. Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1
247. This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8
248. Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters,
clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't be eaten. 14:10
249. To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird.
14:11, 18
250. Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's
okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil
a kid (young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21
251. Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very
picky! 17:1
252. God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4
253. If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then
get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your
hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood.
(That'll do it!) 21:1-8
254. Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God."
They make nice decorations. 21:22
255. Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination
unto the Lord." 22:5
256. "Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ***** together" or wear
wool and linen together in the same garment. But "thou shalt make thee
fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture." 22:10-12
257. You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your
penis has been cut off. 23:1
258. God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or
daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan
to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are
intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical
records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff
is important to God. 23:2
259. God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully
cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy
camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your *****, would
you?) 23:12-14
260. Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an
abomination to the Lord. 24:4
261. If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in
unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead man's wife is
to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
262. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the
other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy eye shall not pity
her." 25:11-12
263. Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15
264. "Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he
uncovereth his father's skirt." 27:20
265. "Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the
people shall say, Amen." 27:21
266. "Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people
shall say, Amen." 27:22
267. "Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the
people shall say, Amen." 27:23
268. "Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law."
27:26
269. "Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in
the field." I guess you'll be cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16
270. "Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou
be when thou goest out." 28:19
271. "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the
earth that is under thee shall be iron." 28:23
272. "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the
emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof
thou canst be healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and
blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:27-28
273. "The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very
high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall be the head, and
thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44
274. The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even
after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They just don't
make them like they used to! 29:5
275. God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6
276. When Moses was 120 years old he could no longer "go out and come
in." Yet just a little later (Dt.34:7) we are told that "his eye was
not dim, nor his natural forces abated." 31:1-2
277. "Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and
species the bible is referring to when it mentions dragons. 32:33
278. God's magical Urim and Thummim 33:8
279. Joseph's "horns are like the horns of a unicorn." 33:17
280. Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own
death and burial. 34:5
Joshua
281. The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting their
feet wet. 3:17
282. At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises
"again the children of Israel the second time" (ouch!) at the "hill of
the foreskins." 5:2-3
283. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan,
yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than
ten days. 5:6
284. God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven priests go
before the ark with seven trumpets of ram's horns. Then on the seventh
day, they go around the city seven times. Finally, the priests blow a
long blast from the ram's horns, all the people shout, and the walls
will fall down. 6:3-5
285. Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But
be sure to save all the silver and gold for God! 6:18-19
286. Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their
faces, and put dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum because
the Israelites lost a battle (God was punishing them because one man
(Achan) "took of the accursed thing"). I wonder what "the accursed
thing" was? Knowledge, tolerance, kindness perhaps? 7:1-13
287. God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along the way"
as they try to escape. Then he sends down huge hailstones and kills
even more of them. 10:10-11
288. In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun
stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark.
10:12-13
289. "The Lord fought for Israel." I wonder what kind of weapon he
used. Probably the jawbone of an *****. 10:14, 10:42
290. "And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of
the giants...." 12:4, 18:16
291. God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. 24:12
Judges
292. Adonibezek fed 70 kings (with their thumbs and big toes cut off)
under his table. 1:7
293. "The Lord ... could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley,
because they had chariots of iron." 1:19
294. God promised many times that he would drive out all the
inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But these verses show that
God failed to keep his promise since he was unable to driver out the
Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30
295. An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too
tolerant of the religious beliefs of the people they have been
massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their job
(of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he
promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of them around so that the
Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3
296. God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I
hope he got a good price. 2:14, 4:2
297. Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31
298. "The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he [Sisera, not
God] had nine hundred chariots of iron." Yet just a few verses ago (Jg.
1:19) God was overpowered by chariots of iron. 4:3
299. "The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless
astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle?
5:20
300. Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses (Num.
31:7), and yet 200 years later they flourish like grasshoppers
"without number." 6:1-6
301. "The Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a
trumpet." 6:34
302. Gideon needs some signs to convince him that God isn't lying to
him. So he puts down some wool on the ground and asks God to make it
wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry. And God does it, no
sweat. But Gideon is still not sure he can trust God, so he asks him
to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry. "And
God did so ..." Gideon must have been impressed by a God that could do
such great things. 6:36-40
303. God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they
drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog
lappeth," shall fight. 7:4-7
304. The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels
-- well, maybe not quite, but at least as many "as the sand by the sea
shore." 7:12
305. Gideon's men break three hundren picthers while holding lamps,
blowing trumpets, and yelling "The sword of the Lord and of Gideon."
7:16-20
306. Gideon made an Ephod out of camel necklaces that caused "all
Israel" to "go a whoring. 8:27
307. Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to
get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5
308. And now for something completely different: Talking Trees 9:8-15
309. "Wine ... cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and it makes
him happy. 9:13
310. God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously
with each other. 9:23-24
311. "Jair ... had thirty sons that rode on thirty ***** colts, and
they had thirty cities." 10:3-4
312. God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. (He
had previously sold them to the kings of Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan
(4:2).) 10:7
313. Abdon had 70 sons and nephews that rode on 70 ***** colts.
12:13-14
314. "And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him." Samson
was one of the vilest of all the vile Bible heroes; Yet he was
especially blessed by God. 13:24
315. Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came
mightily upon him." Later, when going to "take" his Philistine wife he
notices a swarm of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine
miracle -- or just rotting flesh and maggots?). 14:5-8
316. Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets
them on fire. 15:4
317. "The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found
a new jawbone of an ***** ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith."
15:14-15
318. After Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an *****, he was
thirsty. So God created and filled a hollow in the very same jawbone
and put water in it for Samson to drink. 15:17-19
319. Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors, gate,
and posts of the city and carries them to the top of a hill. Why did
he do this? Did God make him do it or was he just showing off? The
Bible doesn't say. 16:3
320. Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If I be
shaven, then my strength will go from me." (And I thought his strength
was from God.) 16:17
321. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin
daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to
have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts
the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she
crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on
an ***** and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve
pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 19:22-30
322. The Benjamites had 700 left-handed men who could sling a stone
at a hair and not miss. 20:16
323. God tells the Israelites to send the tribe of Judah into battle
and 22,000 men were killed by the Benjamites. 20:18, 21
324. God tells them to go to battle again and another 18,000 are
killed. 20:23, 25
325. God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he
will deliver them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more
people for God. 20:38-41
Ruth
326. In the first chapter of Ruth (1:11), Naomi is too old to
conceive, but now, in the fourth chapter, she functions as a wet
nurse. 4:16
1 Samuel
327. "And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered
her." (He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose
womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy,
another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20
328. A disembodied voice calls to the child Samuel three times. The
first two times, Samuel thought it was Eli that called him. But Eli
figured it that the voice must be God's. So the third time that God
called, he was able to deliver his message to Samuel. 3:4-10
329. God will do something that will cause everyone's ears to tingle.
3:11
330. Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever
(3:12-13) and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants is fine with me."
3:18
331. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their
secret parts." 5:6-12
332. After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret
parts," he demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a
"trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17
333. Saul was more handsome than anyone in Israel and stood head and
shoulders above everyone else. 9:2
334. When the people couldn't find Saul (who was selected to be king
by drawing lots), they "enquired of the Lord ... and the Lord
answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff." 10:22
335. "But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us?
And they despised him, and brought no presents." 10:27
336. "I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your
right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2
337. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of
oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast
of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God
comes upon them! 11:6-7
338. "Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he
took a little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11
339. "So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and
rain." 12:18
340. Samuel tells Saul that he's just not good enough for God. So God
has chosen someone else to replace him as king. Who is this guy, this
"man after his own heart" that God has chosen? David! 13:14
341. Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all
of his enemies, saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But
his son Jonathan didn't hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit
of honey. So he Saul says his son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43
342. "An evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God is good,
then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23
343. Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4
344. David caught a lion (and a bear?) "by his beard" and then killed
him. 17:34-35
345. "The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied."
18:10
346. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul
to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked
for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
347. "And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David."
(How else could David get so many foreskins?) 18:28
348. And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he
just can't keep away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9
349. Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he
stripped off his clothes ... and lay down naked all that day and
night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?" 19:24
350. David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of Gath, and
lets spit run down his beard. All this he did in front of Israel's
enemies in the hopes that they would take him in and protect him from
Saul. 21:12
351. Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all
of his enemies, saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But
his son Jonathan didn't hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit
of honey. So he Saul says his son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43
352. David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22,
34
353. "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman
alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) Among those that David
exterminated were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any
Amalekites to kill since Saul killed them all (1 Sam.15:7-8) just a
little while before. 27:8-11
354. "And when Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord answered him not,
neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets." 28:6
355. Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings
Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is
angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is
going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines.
(Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter
the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19
356. The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly
destroyed": first by Saul (1 Sam.15:7-8) and then by David (1 Sam.
27:9-11). Yet here they are, just a few years later, fighting the
Israelites again! 30:1
357. David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites.
They are completely wiped out again. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9
for the last two times that they were exterminated.) 30:17
2 Samuel
358. According to these verses, Saul was killed by an Amalekite. But
Saul killed all the Amalekites (except for Agag who Samuel hacked to
death) as God commanded in 1 Sam.15:3, so how could he later be killed
by one? 1:8-10
359. Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23
(It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get
smitten. 3:27, 4:6, 20:10)
360. David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me
for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid
with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27). 3:14
361. After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by
going "in unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon).
12:24
362. "He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels."
Absalom's hair was heavy upon him 14:25-26
363. "The wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword
devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than
20,000 soldiers. There were probably lots of lions and tigers and
bears. (Oh my!) 18:8
364. Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab by smiting him "in the
fifth rib", of course. 20:10
365. A giant with six fingers and six toes. 21:20
366. The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes
out of God's nostrils, and fire out of his mouth. 22:8-16
367. The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys
at one time. 23:8
368. David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water
from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines.
Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the
well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and
poured it on the ground. 23:15-17
369. God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says that
Satan tempted David, and Jas.1:13 says that God never tempts anyone.
Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census? And what the heck
is wrong with a census anyway? 24:1
370. Israel had 1,300,000 fighting men in this battle. Of course,
this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal
armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active
duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9
371. God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted
the census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chr.21:12 says three years),
2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence.
David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence,
killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children).
24:13
372. After God threatens to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent
people for a census that he inspired, David says, "let us fall now
into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies are great." 24:14
373. Finally, when an angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, "the Lord
repented." That's nice, but why would a good God have to repent of the
evil that he planned to do? 24:16
1 Kings
374. God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of all
men. (He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also promises to "lengthen
Solomon's days" if he will only "walk in my ways, ... as thy father
David did walk." But alas, it was only a dream. 3:12-15
375. How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have his heart
"turned away ... after other gods?" (1 Kg.11:4) 4:29-31
376. The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny compared to
the one he built for himself. According to 7:1-2 , God's house had
less than one-quarter the floor space of Solomon's. 6:2, 7:1-2
377. God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a
punishment for sin. 8:35
378. When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and
120,000 sheep. 8:63
379. "King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700 wives and
300 concubines." 11:3
380. The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kg.4:31) was misled by his
wives into worshipping other gods. 11:4, 15:3
381. Solomon (the wisest man that ever lived) worshipped many gods,
including Ashtoreth, Micom, Chemosh, and Molech. 11:5-7
382. Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in
Edom. Yet a few years later Edom revolted. (2 Kg.8:22) 11:15
383. "I [king Rehoboam] will chastise you with scorpions." 12:11, 14
384. Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the
hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4
385. There were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the
second. To the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God
sends a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24
386. God kills everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10,
16:11, 21:21
387. Did Abijam marry his own mother?
Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother
(Maachah), Abijam was both father and brother to Asa. 15:9-10
388. "Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, As did David
his father." 15:11
389. Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and dinner.
17:6
390. Elijah resurrects the widow's son. 17:22
391. "The fire of the Lord fell, and consumed ... stones." 18:38
392. Elijah went forty days on the strength of two meals. 19:7-8
393. God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites hands, and 100,000
were killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by
a falling wall. (It was a really big wall.) 20:28-30
394. There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "kill
me." But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. 20:35
395. God's dog food. 21:19, 22:23
2 Kings
396. Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to
death. 1:10, 12
397. When Elijah needs to cross a river, he just smacks the water
with his magic mantle and crosses on dry land. 2:8
398. Elisha repeats Elijah's trick of parting the waters of the
Jordan by smiting them with his mantle. 2:14
399. Elisha "heals" the waters by adding a pinch of salt. 2:20-22
400. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun
of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24
401. Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying
on him a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his
eyes on the child's eyes, and his hands on the child's hands. Finally,
the child responds by sneezing seven times. 4:32-35
402. Elisha put some meal (flour) in a pot to counteract the poison
in a pot of stew. 4:40-41
403. Elisha can do all the tricks of Jesus (raise the dead, heal the
sick, etc.). Here he cures a leper, but only after the leper dips
himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14
404. Elisha makes an iron ax head swim. Neat trick, not even Jesus
did that one! 6:6
405. "Elisha ... telleth the king of Israel the words that thou
speakest in thy bedchamber."
Elisha is clairaudient (acquires psychic knowledge by auditory
means). 6:12
406. Elisha prayed and "behold, the mountain was full of horses and
chariots of fire round about Elisha." 6:17
407. With God's help, Elisha first blinds the Syrians and then
restores their sight. 6:18-20
408. "An *****'s head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the
fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver." 6:25
409. The Edomites revolt. But how could they have fought when all of
their males had just recently been killed? (1 Kg.11:16) 8:22
410. One of Jehu's officers called Elisha a madman (which, of course,
he was). 9:11
411. Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers. 9:20
412. These verses are so important that God decided to repeat them in
two successive chapters. I'd memorize them if I were you. 13:12-13,
14:15-16
413. Elisha tells Joash to hit the ground with his arrow. So he
smacks the ground three times. Elisha then yells at him, saying he
should have struck the ground five or six times. If he had, then he
would have completely wiped out Syria, but now since he only struck
the ground three times, he'll only get to smite Syria three times.
Shucks! 13:18-19
414. A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the
bones of Elisha. 13:21
415. According to this verse, Ahaz was 36 years old when he completed
his reign. And 18:1-2 says that he was succeeded by a 25 year old son,
Hezekiah. This means that Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only
eleven years old! 16:2
416. Hezekiah, the son of Ahaz, began to reign when he was 25 years
old. His father was 36 years old when Hezekiah took over (16:2). So
Ahaz was only eleven years old when he fathered Hezekiah! 18:1-2
417. While Hezekiah was busy doing things that were "right in the
sight of the Lord," he broke the brazen serpent that God told Moses to
make in Num.21:8. 18:3-4
418. An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And
when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead
corpses." I guess they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35
419. Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and
he recovered." 20:7
420. Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move
backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at once, the
earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or
maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11
421. God plans to "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that
whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12
422. "I [God] will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it,
and turning it upside down." 21:13
1 Chronicles
423. The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good examples of
the "endless genealogies" that Paul tells us to avoid (see 1 Tim.1:4
and Tit.3:9). Chapters 1-9
424. Seven sons of Zerubbabel are listed, not five as is said in this
verse. 3:20
425. Five sons of Shemiah are listed, not six as is said in this
verse. 3:22
426. As if it wasn't boring enough the first time, ten verses from
Saul's genealogy are repeated in consecutive chapters. 8:29-38,
9:35-44
427. The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 300 guys
at one time. 11:11
428. David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water
from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines.
Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the
well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and
poured it on the ground. 11:17-19
429. The Gadites had faces like lions and could run as fast as deer
on the mountains. 12:8
430. David gave every man and woman in Israel a large bottle of wine.
16:3
431. David's servants had their buttocks exposed. 19:4
432. David puts on a crown weighing 1 talent (34 kg). (He had a very
strong neck.) 20:2
433. According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from
Israel and 470,000 men from Judah, Of course, this numbers is
ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE.
(The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in
2001.) 21:5
434. David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold
and silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and
1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a talent was about 60 pounds, this
would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver. 22:14
435. "The sons of Jeduthun; Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah,
Hashabiah, and Mattithiah, six." But only five are listed. 25:3
436. King David collects ten thousand drams (or darics) for the
construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially
interesting since darics were coins named after King Darius I who
lived some five hundred years after David. 29:7
437. As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are
grossly exaggerated. (100,000 talents of iron, for example, would be
about 34 million kilograms.) 29:7
2 Chronicles
438. Solomon enlists a huge workforce (over 150,000 men) to construct
a small chapel. (See 1 Kg.6:2 where the dimensions of the building are
given as approximately 90 feet long, 30 feet wide, and 45 feet high.)
2:2
439. "Remember the mercies of David." But David was anything but
merciful. For some examples of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31 and 1 Chr.
20:3 where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the inhabitants of
several cities. 6:42
440. Solomon, when dedicating the temple, killed 22,000 oxen and
120,000 sheep. 7:5
441. Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really
loud voice.) 13:3-4
442. A half million soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter.
13:16-17
443. In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa,
with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14
444. According to this verse, Baasha fought with Judah in the 36th
year of Asa's reign, yet 1 Kg.16:6-8 says that Baasha died in the 26th
year of Asa's reign. So if both stories are true, Baasha was still
fighting 10 years after his death! 16:1
445. "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro ..." 16:9
446. Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of
seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help
rather than "seeking the Lord.") 16:12
447. Jehoram began to reign after Elijah went to heaven (2 Kg.2:11,
8:16), so how could King Jehoram receive a letter from him? 21:9, 12
448. Jehoram was 32 years old when he began to reign and he reigned
for eight years and then died (a 40 years old). After his death, his
youngest son Ahaziah began to reign at the age of 42 (22:1-2). So the
son (Ahaziah) was two years older than his father! 21:20, 22:1-2
449. God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license.
26:19-21
450. Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day. 28:6, 8
451. An eight year-old king (Jehoiachin) did "evil in the sight of
the Lord." 36:9
452. "The LORD his God be with him, and let him go up." Now how's
that for a strange ending? Actually, the last two verses from 2
Chronicles are taken from the first few verses of Ezra. It just
happens that whoever decided to tack these verses on (for whatever
reason) forgot to finish the sentence! 36:22-23
Ezra
453. In verse 11, the total number of items listed in the previous
two verses is said to be 5400. The actual total is 2499. 1:9-11
454. God's magical Urim and Thummim 2:63
455. "The whole congregation together was forty and two thousand tree
hundred and threescore [42,360]." Yet if we count up all of the
numbers in the list just given in Ezra 2:3-62 we obtain a different
number: 29,818. 2:65
456. When Ezra hears of the intermarriages, he tears up his clothes,
plucks out his hair and beard, and sits down astonished. 9:3
Nehemiah
457. Nehemiah gets so upset that he shakes his lap. 5:13
458. God's magical Urim and Thummim 7:65
459. Here we are told that the whole congregation totaled 42,360. But
if we just total up the numbers given in Neh.7:8-62 we come up with
only 31,089. 7:66
460. Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish
them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of
them, and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27
Job
461. God asks where Satan has been lately (apparently God didn't
know), and Satan answered saying, "From walking to and fro in the
earth, and from walking up and down on it." This verse inspired Mark
Twain's Letters From the Earth.. 1:7, 2:2
462. God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12
463. God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job
doesn't "foolishly" blame God. Since God was responsible, why would it
be foolish to blame God? 1:22
464. God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows Satan to
torment Job, just to see how he will react. 2:3-6
465. "So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote
Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7
466. Job asks the important question: "Is there any taste in the
white of an egg?" 6:6
467. Does God pervert Justice? Well, if you believe the Bible he sure
as hell does! 8:3
468. Job says "my breath is strange to my wife." Mine too. 19:17
469. "His breasts are full of milk." 21:24
470. When things were going well for Job he washed his steps with
butter and rocks poured out rivers of oil. 29:6
471. Poor Job's "bowels boiled." Now that doesn't sound pleasant.
30:27
472. Job is the brother of dragons. 30:29
473. "That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the
wicked might be shaken out of it."
God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and
shake all the wicked people off of it.
38:13
474. God speaks to people in dreams and visions while they sleep.
(They're called nightmares.) 33:14-16
475. "Who can stay the bottles of heaven?" Gosh, I don't know. I
didn't even know there were any bottles in heaven. 38:37
476. "Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" The unicorn
referred to here is probably not the single-horned mythical creature,
but rather a wild ox that was mistranslated in the KJV. 39:9-10
477. Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus,
dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these
verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I
made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the
pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his
testicles bulge with vigor." 40:15-16
478. "Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with
a cord?" 41:1-34
479. After God (or Satan) kills Job's first set of kids (1:19), he is
given an even better set -- with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15
480. Job lived to be 140 years old. 42:16
Psalms
481. "The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9
482. God made the heavens with his fingers. 8:3
483. God's eyelids. 11:4
484. Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1
485. "My reins also instruct me in the night seasons."
Jesus will search your kidneys 16:7
486. God's lips 17:4
487. The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7
488. Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth.
18:8
489. God curved the heavens and came down to earth with darkness
under his feet. 18:9
490. God rides upon cherubs and flies through the sky. 18:10
491. "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast
of the breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations
and does not move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15
492. "Try my reins and my heart."
Jesus will search your kidneys 26:2
493. "The Lord is upon many waters. ... The Lord sitteth upon the
flood." 29:3, 10
494. God's voice is so loud it can break the cedars of Lebanon. 29:5
495. "He maketh them also to skip ... like a young unicorn." 29:6
496. Those who fear God never starve. 33:19
497. Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those
who are poor or hungry just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10
498. Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those
who starve to death didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3
499. If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you
want. 37:4
500. The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In nature
they inherit nothing, but die painful deaths from disease, starvation,
and predation. 37:11
501. The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's
not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome
disease." After all, his promiscuity was legendary, and he probably
didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
502. God's clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. In fact, now
you can buy a candle that smells just like Jesus! 45:8
503. Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way.
They tell lies immediately after birth (before they can even talk!).
58:3
504. According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of
course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move along. 58:8
505. They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they
belch out with their mouths." These are good reasons for God to kill
them. 59:6-7, 14
506. "The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies
tormented. 59:10
507. The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by
God. He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28
508. "I was pricked in my reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 73:21
509. God is so strong that he can break the head of dragons and of
leviathan. 74:13-14
510. "The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were
afraid." 77:16
511. "The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became
angry, and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22
512. Man did eat angels' food." 7825:
513. "And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He kicked
their *****.) 78:66
514. "I have said, Ye are gods." Jesus quotes this verse in John
10:34 to get out of a tough spot. (He was claiming to be God for which
the Jews accused him of blasphemy.) 82:6
515. "I will make mention of Rahab"
Rahab is a sea-demon or dragon from ancient Jewish folklore.
87:4
516. "Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10
517. The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect -- "like the
horn of a unicorn." 92:10
518. "The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all
diseases. Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3
519. "He smote ... their fig trees." (God hates figs) 105:33
520. God swears. 110:4
521. "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints."
116:15
522. Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease." 119:69-70
523. "The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee by day,
nor the moon by night." So believers don't have to bother with
sunscreen. God will protect them from sunburn, and moonburn too.
121:5-6
524. "Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build
it."
God doesn't build houses or watch over cities; people do. 127:1
525. "He giveth his beloved sleep."
Don't bother getting up early and working hard. If God loves
you, you can sleep in and let God take care you. 127:2
526. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy
endures forever." 136:10
527. God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his
mercy endureth for ever." 136:15
528. God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever."
136:17-18
529. God is in hell. 139:8
530. Even the dragons praise the Lord. 148:7
Proverbs
531. "Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to understand
things; just accept whatever the bible and your religious leaders tell
you. 3:5
532. If you give money to God, he will make you rich and you'll have
lots of wine. 3:9-10
533. God never allows good people to go hungry or the wicked to
become wealthy. 10:3
534. Bad things only happen to bad people. 12:21
535. How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are the ones who
get plenty to eat, and wicked are the ones who go hungry. 13:25
536. "The eyes of the Lord are in every place." 15:3
537. "The hoary head [gray hair] is a crown of glory." 16:31
538. All games of chance (gambling) are controlled by God. 16:33
539. "The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the
inward parts of the belly." 20:27
540. "The beauty of old men is the grey head." 20:29
541. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the
inward parts of the belly." 20:30
542. Those who are humble and fear God will live long and prosper.
22:4
543. Don't eat dinner with a person who has an "evil eye." 23:6
544. "To have respect of persons is not good." (Treat everyone with
disrespect.) 28:21
545. "Yea, my reins shall rejoice."
Jesus will search your kidneys 23:16
546. If you are greedy then you must have an "evil eye." 28:22
547. "Every word of God is pure. See Ezek.23:20 and Mal.2:3 for just
two examples of the "pure word of God." 30:5
548. One of the four "wonderful" things is "the way of a man with a
maid." 30:18-19
549. "The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33
Song of Solomon
550. "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my
breasts [are] like towers." 8:8-10
Isaiah
551. The mouth of the Lord 1:20
552. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the
men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by
night." 4:4-5
553. God "will hiss unto then from the end of the earth." 5:26
554. An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7
555. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18
556. God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical
euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20
557. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son.
(You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to
call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't
it?) 8:3
558. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with
the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some
pretty bad breath! 11:4
559. "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will
become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And
will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or
will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars?
11:6, 65:25
560. "And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice'
den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a *****'s egg, that can
kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 11:8
561. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance
there. 13:21-22
562. Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his
fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these
fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29
563. "Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine
inward parts for Kirharesh." 16:11
564. God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about
completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way
he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked
"with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5
565. While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were
filled with pain. 21:3
566. "The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18
567. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the
world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18
568. God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its
foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro
like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20
569. God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his
own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1
570. God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying
wisdom and understanding. 29:14
571. Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are
caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7
572. Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no
longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6
573. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the
light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that
will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only
reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the
sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7
times as bright as it does now. 30:26
574. God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28
575. "The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall
shew the lighting down of his arm." 30:30
576. God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he
even kindles a fire with it. 30:33
577. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall
down."
The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4
578. "And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7
579. "The cormorant and the bittern shall possess it; the owl also
and the raven shall dwell in it."
Edom will become a birdwatcher's paradise. 34:11
580. Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the
author of these verses. 34:13-14
581. An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed
by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead
men." 37:36
582. God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat
trick! 38:8
583. The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same
happens with people. 40:7
584. "The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth
it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a
tree ... to prepare a graven image."
God hates Christmas trees 40:19-20
585. God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and
"will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and
crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13
586. Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20
587. "He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ...
yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven
image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth
himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire."
God hates Christmas trees 44:14-16
588. "I have sworn by myself." 45:23
589. God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of
his hands. (As a permanent tattoo or with temporary ink?) 49:16
590. "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23
591. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon,
and dried up the sea. 51:9-10
592. God shows off his bare arm. 52:10
593. "Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase
thyself even unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9
594. Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the
eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of
them. 59:5
595. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12
596. "Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16
597. "For as a young man marrieth a virgin, so shall thy sons marry
thee." 62:5
598. "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will
stain all my raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood
of humans.) 63:2-6
599. Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness
is "an unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6
600. Don't eat "swine flesh" (like ham or bacon) or other "abominable
things" or God will have to kill you. 65:4, 66:17
601. Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24
Jeremiah
602. God gives Judah "a bill of divorce." 3:8
603. Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to
death. 4:4
604. "Behold, their ear is uncircumcised." 6:10
605. God is angered by children who gather wood, fathers who make
fires, and women that make bread for the "queen of heaven" and other
gods. 7:18
606. "I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be
charmed, and they shall bite you." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched
from a *****'s egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare
nowadays. 8:17
607. God will make Jerusalem "a den of dragons." 9:11
608. Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well.
9:26
609. "For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree
out of the forest ... with the axe. They deck it with silver and with
gold." ( God hates Christmas trees.) 10:3-4
610. When God gets angry, the earth trembles. (That's what causes
earthquakes.) 10:10
611. Judah will become a desolate den of dragons. 10:22
612. "O LORD of hosts ... that triest the reins and the heart"
Jesus will search your kidneys 11:20
613. God gives Jeremiah some divine instructions about a girdle. He
tells him not to wash it, but to hide it in a rock. Jeremiah does as
he's told. But, alas, when he goes to retrieve it, it was ruined.
Darn! 13:1-7
614. Apparently, the point of the girdle story (13:1-7) was to say
that worshipping other gods "is good for nothing." 13:10
615. God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by
lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit
whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting
darned sick of it! 13:26-27
616. The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6
617. God is weary of repenting. (It does get tiring after a while,
doesn't it?) 15:6
618. God tells us not to trust anyone, not even our family or
friends, by saying: "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man." 17:5
619. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately
wicked."
Everyone is a wicked liar. 17:9
620. "I try the reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 17:10
621. God admits that he does evil things to people once in a while.
(Nobody's perfect.) 18:11
622. God will make the land desolate, "a perpetual hissing," so that
"very one that passeth thereby shall be astonished, and wag his head."
18:16
623. God will scatter the Israelites before their enemy. And then, on
"the day of their calamity," he'll show them his backside instead of
his face. 18:17
624. God says he will do so much evil to the people that whoever
hears of it will have their ears tingle. 19:3
625. And the plagues of God's wrath will make everyone hiss. 19:7-9
626. "O LORD of hosts, that ... seest the reins."
Jesus will search your kidneys 20:12
627. God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an
outstretched hand and with a strong arm." 21:5
628. God swears to himself. 22:5, 49:13, 51:14
629. "The other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be
eaten, they were so bad." God hates figs, at least the "very naughty"
kind. 24:2-3
630. God is really getting into all of this killing. He roars, he
mightily roars, and he shouts. 25:30
631. God enslaved entire nations and forced them to serve
Nebuchadnezzar, "his servant". He even gave him all the wild animals
and forced them to serve him. 27:6, 28:14
632. God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword,
the famine, and the pestilence." He "will make them like vile figs,
that cannot be eaten, they are so evil." (God hates figs.) 29:17-18
633. There will come a time when all men will have the pains of
childbirth. 30:6
634. Baruch read the words of Jeremiah and all of the people heard
him. (He had a very loud voice.) 36:10
635. It took thirty men to lift Jeremiah out of the dungeon. (He was
a very big man.) 38:10
636. "I repent me of the evil that I have done unto you." (It's about
time!) 42:10
637. "O thou sword of the Lord, how long will it be ere thou be
quiet?" Good question. Someone needs to take the sword away from the
big guy. 47:6
638. God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will
hiss in astonishment. 49:17
639. Jeremiah predicts that humans will never again live in Hazor,
but will be replaced by dragons. But people still live there and
dragons have never been seen. 49:33
640. Jeremiah gave a copy of the book he had written to Seraiah and
told him to read it and then tie a rock to it and throw it in the
river. 51:61-63
Lamentations
641. "Out of the mouth of the Most High proceedeth not good and
evil?" Mostly evil, I'd say -- at least if you believe the Bible. 3:38
Ezekiel
642. Ezekiel begins by telling us what day it is. It's the 13th year,
4th month, and 5th day. But the 13th year etc. of what exactly? 1:1,
8:1, 20:1, 24:1, 26:1, 29:1, 30:20, 32:1, 32:17
643. Ezekiel experiences what some say is the first recorded UFO
sighting. 1:4
644. Ezekiel sees creatures that have four faces (human, lion, ox,
and eagle), four wings, and straight feet with calf's soles. Well,
maybe he'll feel better in the morning.1:5-10
645. Ezekiel sees God's loins. 1:27
646. God tells Ezekiel to eat a scroll and to "fill his bowels" with
it. He does, and finds it to be as sweet as honey. 2:9, 3:1-3
647. The spirit lifted Ezekiel into the air and transported him to
the river of Chebar, where he sat astonished for seven days. 3:14-15
648. The spirit (of God?) enters Ezekiel, ties him up, and makes his
tongue stick to the roof of his mouth so that he could no longer
speak. 3:24-26
649. God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then
on his left side for another 40 days. "And thou shalt not turn thee
from one side to another, till thou hast ended the days." I'll bet he
had some killer bed sores after that! 4:4-9
650. God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the
dung that cometh out of man." (Yum!) 4:12
651. God tells Ezekiel to shave his head and beard, divide the cut
hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second portion about
with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind. 5:1-3
652. God tells Ezekiel to clap his hands and stamp his feet while
saying, "they shall fall by the sword, by the famine, and by the
pestilence." 6:11
653. Ezekiel proclaims that the world (which is flat and has four
corners) is ending. 7:2, 6
654. Ezekiel gets to see God's loins again. (See 1:27 for the first
time.) 8:2
655. Ezekiel sees God's hand come down and pluck out a hair from his
head. 8:3
656. A sapphire stone that looked like a throne appears in the
firmament, and a man clothed with linen is told by God to scatter
coals over the city. 10:1-2
657. Ezekiel sees bodies, backs, hands, wings, and wheels that were
"full of eyes round about."10:12
658. Each cherub has four faces, four wings, and four human hands.
10:20-21
659. God gets mad at a wall and destroys it, along with those who
worked on it. 13:14-15
660. "Woe to the woman that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your
pillows." (God likes neither woman nor pillows.) 13:18-21
661. Nebuchadrezzar, "king of kings" -- so that's who that movie is
about! 26:7
662. "And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire
in Egypt." (The Divine Pyromaniac) 30:8, 30:14, 30:16
663. Ezekiel brings dry bones to life to make "an exceeding great
army." 37:7-10
664. God shows Ezekiel how to join two sticks together. 37:15-17
665. God will get so darned angry that his fury will come up in his
face so that even the fish, birds, beasts, and bugs will shake when
they see him. God will throw a tantrum, toppling every wall and
mountain. 38:18-20
666. Priests must wear linen when they are in the sanctuary. No wool
is permitted. And whatever they wear, it must not cause them to sweat.
God hates sweat! 44:17-18
Daniel
667. In all matters of wisdom and understanding ... the king ...
found them [Daniel and his friends] ten times better than all the
magicians and astrologers in his realm. 1:20
668. Nebuchadnezzar built a statue of gold sixty cubits high and six
cubits wide. Taking a cubit to be 18 inches and assuming the depth to
also be six cubits, this would give a total volume of 270 cubic yards
-- which would have probably been more than all of the gold in all of
the kingdoms of the world at that time. 3:1
669. Daniel's three friends were cast into a fiery furnace, but were
totally unaffected -- not even a hair was singed. And they were joined
by the Son of God (Jesus?), himself! At least that's who
Nebuchadnezzar thought it looked like. 3:25-27
670. This part of the Bible was written by Nebuchadnezzar. 4:1-18
671. Nebuchadnezzar eats grass, his hair becomes like eagle feathers
and his nails like bird claws. 4:32-33
672. A detached hand writes upon the wall, and when the king sees it
"the joints of his loins were loosed, and his knees smote one against
the other." 5:5-6
673. Daniel was cast into the lions' den, but they didn't hurt him
since God sent angel to shut the lions' mouths. 6:16-22
674. God's hair is white (but you already knew that!). 7:9
675. "I was astonished at the vision, but none understood it." (If
Daniel couldn't understand his visions, then how could anyone else?)
This is the one true prophecy in the book of Daniel: "none understood
it." 8:27
Daniel sees a man fly swiftly. 9:21
676. Daniel is literally "Touched By An Angel." 10:16
Hosea
677. God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of
whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed
great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named
Gomer. 1:2-3
678. "I will destroy her vines and her fig trees." (God hates figs.)
2:12
679. God acts like a jealous lover. 2:13
680. Because of the Israelites' disobedience, the land mourns, and
all the animals are dying. 4:3
681. "They have made princes, and I knew it not." 8:4
682. God can roar like a lion. 11:10
683. God will rip humans apart and then eat them like a lion. 13:7-8
Joel
684. The animals are perplexed and cry out to God after he torments
them by burning their food and drying up the rivers. 1:18-20
685. "The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." 1:15, 2:1,
3:14
686. God says he will repay Israel for the damage the locusts caused
-- which he sent! And they will "praise the name of the Lord." 2:25-26
687. "The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into
blood." These "signs" were a lot more impressive before the causes of
solar and lunar eclipses were understood. 2:31
688. The Lord will roar and the heavens and earth will shake. 3:16
Amos
689. The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael,
Gaza, Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10, 12, 14; 2:2,
5
690. It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan,
yet such a journey, even at that time, would have taken no more than
ten days. 2:10
691. God says there are three or four reasons for him to punish Moab.
But he only mentions one: "because he burned the bones of the king of
Edom." So God burned Moab because they burned some bones. 2:12
692. God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as
cedars and as strong as oaks. 2:9
693. On the day of God's wrath, brave men "shall flee away naked."
2:16
694. God afflicts the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine)
and drought. And then he wonders why they don't turn to him. 4:6-9
695. God sends the pestilence, kills young men with the sword, and
makes t1e "stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils." 4:10
696. Many Christians look forward to the "day of the Lord," but
according to these verses, they shouldn't. 5:18-20
697. "Wo to them ... that chant to the sound of the viol, and invent
to themselves instruments of musick."
Wo to musicians. 6:1, 5
698. God stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks to
Amos. 7:7
699. God swears "by the excellency of Jacob." 8:7
700. Amos sees God standing on the altar. 9:1
701. God will "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to
escape by diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's
command, by a sea-serpent. 9:1-4
Obadiah
702. "We have heard a rumour from the LORD." 1
703. "For the day of the Lord is near upon all the heathen." If so,
then it must have come and past, unnoticed, long before the birth of
Christ. 15
Jonah
704. Jonah fled "from the presence of the Lord." (There are some
places where God can't find you.) 1:3, 10
705. The sailors cast lots to see who was causing the storm. And it
worked, too (casting lots always does), since the lot fell on Jonah.
1:7
706. Jonah believes that by throwing himself into the sea, the storm
will die down. And it worked! 1:12-15
707. God makes "a great fish" to swallow Jonah. And Jonah stayed in
the fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17
708. Jonah says a little prayer from the fish's belly. 2:1
709. God talks to the fish, and it vomits out Jonah upon dry land.
2:10
710. "Now Nineveh was an exceeding great city of three days'
journey." That would make it about 60 miles in diameter -- larger than
Los Angeles! 3:3
711. Everyone in Nineveh (pop. 120,000) turned to God? Jonah must be
one hell of a preacher! 3:5
712. God wants the "beasts" to cover themselves with sackcloth and
"cry mightily unto God." 3:8
713. Jonah was angry when his preaching converted a city. 4:1
714. God prepares a gourd to shade Jonah's head. Then he prepares a
worm to destroy the gourd. What a clever guy! 4:6-7
Micah
715. God (or Micah?) will "wail and howl" and "go stripped and
naked." 1:8
716. Micah says "woe" to those that devise evil , but only two verses
later, he devises evil against "this family." 2:1, 3
717. Watch out for lying prophets that bite (with their teeth). 3:5
718. "The prophets thereof divine for money." Some things never
change. 3:11
719. "Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide:
keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom."
Advice like this is only found in the Bible. 7:5
Nahum
720. "The clouds are the dust of his feet." 1:3
721. Tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are
signs of his anger. 1:5
722. "Knees smite together, and much pain is in all loins." 2:10
723. "Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will
burn her chariots." 2:13
724. God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the
nations thy nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee."
3:4-6
Habakkuk
725. The Chaldeans' horses were faster than leopards and more fierce
than wolves. 1:8
726. "God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went
the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet." 3:3-5
727. "Thou didst walk through the sea with thine horses." 3:15
Zephaniah
728. "The day of the LORD is at hand." 1:7
729. God "will punish ... all such as are clothed with strange
apparel" or "leap on the threshold." 1:8-9
730. God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes
to punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither
will he do evil." 1:12
731. "The great day of the LORD is near." 1:14
732. "The cormorant and the bittern shall lodge in the upper lintels
of it."
A prophecy for birdwathers. 2:14
733. "Every one that passeth by her [Assyria] shall hiss, and wag his
hand." 2:15
734. The Singing God: "God will joy over thee with singing." 3:17
Haggai
735. God huffs, and he puffs, and he blows the house down! 1:9
736. In "a little while" God "will shake the heavens, and the earth,
and the sea, and the dry land." 2:6
737. "The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of
hosts." 2:8
738. Be careful not to let any holy flesh touch any food or wine,
because if you do your flesh won't be holy any more. 2:12
739. God sent blight and hail upon the Israelites, yet they still
didn't return to him. 2:17
Zechariah
740. God's horseman patrols the earth on red colored horses. 1:8-11
741. Zechariah carries on an extended, casual conversation with an
angel. 1:9 - 6:5
742. So, God says to Satan, "God rebuke thee, O Satan." 3:2
743. God has seven eyes that "run to and fro through the whole
earth." 4:10
744. Zechariah sees a 30 foot flying scroll that burns down the
houses of thieves and liars. 5:1-4
745. "I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous
for her with great fury." 8:2
746. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... ten men ... shall take hold of
the skirt of him that is a Jew." 8:23
747. "I [God] will hiss for them." 10:8
748. God named two sticks: "Beauty" and "Bands". 11:7
749. God "cut off" three shepherds in one month. God's soul and the
soul of the shepherds loath one another. (I didn't even know God had a
soul.) 11:8
750. God will "go forth and fight" for Jerusalem with "his feet" on
the mount of Olives. (After he forces all the nations of the world to
fight against Jerusalem.) 14:3
Malachi
751. The book of Malachi is anonymous; Malachi is just a
transliteration of the Hebrew words for "my messenger." 1:1
752. "Wherein hast thou loved us?" Malachi was addressing the
skeptics of his day who questioned God's love for them. Malachi
explains that God must love them since he loved Jacob, hated Esau, and
will be angry with the Edomites forever. 1:2-4
753. God hated Esau and gave his inheritance to the dragons. 1:3
754. "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your
faces." 2:3
755. "Ye have wearied the LORD with your words." 2:17
756. God is robbed by those who don't pay their full tithe. 3:8
757. God curses the Israelites for "robbing" him by not paying the
proper amount of money in tithes. 3:9
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