HOW TO FART AT WORK The Senator Craig Edition

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions
and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you
receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release
an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the
use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE
HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-
Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom
is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.

THE TWONKY
Definition: A person who taps their right foot three times, gradually
moves their left foot over to touch the foot of the person in the next
stall and reaches underneath the partition in order to solicit sex.