| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"L. Raymond" |
| Date: |
24 Mar 2007 03:12:15 AM |
| Object: |
Humor |
I came across this gem while sorting old backup CDs today. The adaption
was by Scott Wilson who posted it to alt.fan.monty-python.silliness in
April 2002.
JESUS: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
JESUS: Man, sorry. What god is worshiped in that temple over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
JESUS: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
JESUS: Well, I can't just call you "Man".
DENNIS: Well, you could say "Dennis".
JESUS: Well, I didn't know you were called "Dennis".
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
JESUS: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from the behind you
looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
JESUS: Well, I AM the Messiah...
DENNIS: Oh Messiah, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the fears of the ignorant -- by 'angin' on to outdated
mythological dogma which perpetuates the educational an' social
differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh, how d'you do?
JESUS: How do you do, good lady. I am Jesus, King of the Christians.
What temple is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
JESUS: The Christians.
WOMAN: Who are the Christians?
JESUS: Well, we all are. We're all Christians and I am your Savior.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a Savior. I thought we were an agnostic
collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a theocracy. A
self-perpetuating orthodoxy in which the illiterate classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
JESUS: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who's worshiped there?
WOMAN: No one's worshiped there.
JESUS: Then who is your God?
WOMAN: We don't have a God.
JESUS: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're a deistic-freethought commune. We take it in
turns to act as a sort of Supreme Being for the week.
JESUS: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decisions of that Being have to be ratified at a
special biweekly meeting.
JESUS: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely temporal affairs,-
JESUS: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
JESUS: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
JESUS: I am your Messiah!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
JESUS: You don't vote for Messiahs.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become Messiah then?
JESUS: The Spirit of God, [angels sing] his voice echoing like majestic
thunder, descended upon me like a dove, and stated by Divine Fiat that
I, Jesus, was His Son in Whom He was well pleased. [singing stops] That
is why I am your Messiah!
DENNIS: Listen -- falling birds, and voices from the sky are no basis
for a system of faith. The true worth of a divinity derives from the
devotion of the converted, not from some farcical avian ceremony.
JESUS: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme omnipotent power just
'cause some fagged out flamingo fell on you!
JESUS: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was Shiva just because some
unladen swallow landed on me they'd put me away!
JESUS: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the religion.
JESUS: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the religion! Help!
Help! I'm being repressed!
JESUS: Bloody pagan!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh?
That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it
didn't you?
--
L. Raymond
.
|
|
| User: "Conspiracy of Doves" |
|
| Title: Re: Humor |
24 Mar 2007 09:20:26 PM |
|
|
On Mar 24, 4:12 am, "L. Raymond" <badaddr...@mylinuxisp.com> wrote:
I came across this gem while sorting old backup CDs today. The adaption
was by Scott Wilson who posted it to alt.fan.monty-python.silliness in
April 2002.
JESUS: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
JESUS: Man, sorry. What god is worshiped in that temple over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
JESUS: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
JESUS: Well, I can't just call you "Man".
DENNIS: Well, you could say "Dennis".
JESUS: Well, I didn't know you were called "Dennis".
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
JESUS: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from the behind you
looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
JESUS: Well, I AM the Messiah...
DENNIS: Oh Messiah, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the fears of the ignorant -- by 'angin' on to outdated
mythological dogma which perpetuates the educational an' social
differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh, how d'you do?
JESUS: How do you do, good lady. I am Jesus, King of the Christians.
What temple is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
JESUS: The Christians.
WOMAN: Who are the Christians?
JESUS: Well, we all are. We're all Christians and I am your Savior.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a Savior. I thought we were an agnostic
collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a theocracy. A
self-perpetuating orthodoxy in which the illiterate classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
JESUS: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who's worshiped there?
WOMAN: No one's worshiped there.
JESUS: Then who is your God?
WOMAN: We don't have a God.
JESUS: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're a deistic-freethought commune. We take it in
turns to act as a sort of Supreme Being for the week.
JESUS: Yes.
DENNIS: But all the decisions of that Being have to be ratified at a
special biweekly meeting.
JESUS: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely temporal affairs,-
JESUS: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
JESUS: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
JESUS: I am your Messiah!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
JESUS: You don't vote for Messiahs.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become Messiah then?
JESUS: The Spirit of God, [angels sing] his voice echoing like majestic
thunder, descended upon me like a dove, and stated by Divine Fiat that
I, Jesus, was His Son in Whom He was well pleased. [singing stops] That
is why I am your Messiah!
DENNIS: Listen -- falling birds, and voices from the sky are no basis
for a system of faith. The true worth of a divinity derives from the
devotion of the converted, not from some farcical avian ceremony.
JESUS: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme omnipotent power just
'cause some fagged out flamingo fell on you!
JESUS: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was Shiva just because some
unladen swallow landed on me they'd put me away!
JESUS: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the religion.
JESUS: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the religion! Help!
Help! I'm being repressed!
JESUS: Bloody pagan!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh?
That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it
didn't you?
--
L. Raymond
That's great. Have you seen this one?
Customer: Hello. I wish to complain about this so-called 'scientific
theory' that I purchased not half an hour ago from this very
boutique.
Salesman: Oh yes, 'Intelligent Design'. What, uh... what's the matter
with it?
Customer: I'll tell you what's the matter with it, my lad. Its
vacuous, that's what's the matter with it!
Salesman: No, no, uh... what we need now is to 'teach the
controversy'...
Customer: Look matey, I know an empty 'argument from incredulity' when
I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Salesman: No, no, it's not empty: it's just being elaborated.
Remarkable theory, 'Intelligent Design', innit, eh? I mean, just look
at all these books and articles: millions and millions of words...!
Customer: The verbiage don't enter into it, my lad. It's stone dead.
It's a non-starter. Empirically untestable, it belongs in metaphysics.
This 'theory' makes no predictions; has no contribution to make beyond
extended polemics; and can't even be honest about who it thinks the
'Designer' was. Bereft of all logical and epistemological credibility,
it has no scientific status! If certain right-wing and fundamentalist
pressure-groups hadn't hit upon it as a way of opposing decades of
uncomfortable scientific and social progress, it'd be pushing up the
daisies! It's off the table. It's kicked the waste-paper bucket. THIS
IS A NON-THEORY!
Salesman: Well, I'd better replace it then. [takes a quick peek
around] Sorry, squire. Looks like that's all we've got...
Customer: I see, I see. I get the picture.
Salesman: I've got a piece of coal that looks quite a bit like a human
tibia, if you squint at it...
Customer: Pray, is it part of a theory that unifies the
paleontological and biological sciences and leads to a powerful
understanding of observed homologies and the nested hierarchy of
life?
Salesman: Not really.
Customer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT FOR DARWINISM THEN, IS
IT?
.
|
|
|
| User: "L. Raymond" |
|
| Title: Re: Humor |
25 Mar 2007 01:05:08 AM |
|
|
Conspiracy of Doves wrote:
On Mar 24, 4:12 am, "L. Raymond" <badaddr...@mylinuxisp.com> wrote:
I came across this gem while sorting old backup CDs today. The adaption
was by Scott Wilson who posted it to alt.fan.monty-python.silliness in
April 2002.
...
That's great. Have you seen this one?
No, and I love it. Especially the "verbiage don't enter into it" bit.
That was a perfect parallel.
--
L. Raymond
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Related Articles |
|
|
