Pangur Ban wrote:

copied and sent to most of the folks in my email addy book.

Oh, YOU'RE the one that does that! evil....
Jim

On Sun, 18 Feb 2007 17:56:53 -0800, "Mike Painter"
<mddotpainter@sbcglobal.net> wrote:

In, I think "Top of the world" after spending a winter well above the

circle eating nothing but protein with no fat, the writer talks about

in shirt sleeves at 32 degrees because it is so warm and drinkling melted
lard.

I can empathize. After working at the DEW Line, I came home to a NYC
December - lots of snow on the ground, pretty cold. I wore short
sleeve shirts in the street for a few weeks. Wearing a coat in that
sweltering 20 degree above zero weather would have been crazy.

johac <jhachmann@sbcglobal.com> wrote in
news:jhachmann-35EC62.22573018022007@news.giganews.com:

In article <Xns98DB3116380FFaskifyouwantit@216.77.188.18>,
Doc Smartass <gekido@astroskivviesboymail.com> wrote:

So it's winter for some of us...here's what we can expect:


Air Temperatures: (Farenheit)

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.

50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.

45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver
uncontrollably, Minnesotans go

swimming.

35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.

32 degrees - Water freezes.

30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.

25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably,
Minnesotans eat ice cream,

Canadians go swimming.

20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York
City water freezes, Miami

residents plan vacation farther south.

15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your
bed with you.

10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 degrees - American cars don't start.

0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step
outside.

-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo,
Arkansans stick tongue on

metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.

-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you,
politicians actually do something

about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars
don't start.

-25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the
driver going.

-30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.

-40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button,
Canadians put on sweater,

your car helps you plan your trip South.

-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the
bathroom window.

-80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo
Bills) fans order hot

cocoa at the game.

-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

-100 degrees - Hell freezes over; politicians tell the truth.

LOL! Very good!

This was one of my favorites back in my first year of Internet access;
imagine the novelty of having jokes delivered to my computer!

Now, nearly 10 years later, I wonder if anyone has _new_ jokes.

johac <jhachmann@sbcglobal.com> wrote in
news:jhachmann-35EC62.22573018022007@news.giganews.com:

In article <Xns98DB3116380FFaskifyouwantit@216.77.188.18>,
Doc Smartass <gekido@astroskivviesboymail.com> wrote:

[old joke sent to Joke Hell where it will writhe in torment forever]

LOL! Very good!

This was one of my favorites back in my first year of Internet access;
imagine the novelty of having jokes delivered to my computer!
Now, nearly 10 years later, I wonder if anyone has _new_ jokes.

How to Wash Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed.
That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular
belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide
(with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of
odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to
the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your dog will try to
eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that
giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the
question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is
not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles
and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack
of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the
ability to wear protective garments.

1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is
suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a
shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5
seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area
before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still
need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so
you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up,
nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish.
No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire... the cat
barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is
essential. In one single liquid motion .shut the door to the bathroom,
step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the
water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty
Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have
just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have
no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock
has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as
he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give
another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously.
No need to worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure into
the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the
process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat
will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the
next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By
this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently
affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in
full view of your cat . reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg
and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat
is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the
towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub
enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and
step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until
all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your
cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog
while plotting revenge.

stoney <stoney@the.net> wrote in news:kijeu25se03rkojos9srfp2u4isdliugks@
4ax.com:

[]

"Excerpts from Pet Diaries"
From the Dog.

<snip>

Another fave:

How to Wash Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed.
That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular
belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide
(with or without bleach).

How to Wash Your Cat
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed.
That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular
belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide
(with or without bleach).