First one sent was incomplete
May be in bad taste for some.
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1003/pope.html
King of the Mary Worshippers Thumbs His Nose at God and Refuses To
Die!
Pope Death Watch
The obvious decline in health of Pope John Paul II, Satan’s surrogate
here on earth, has True Christian party planners around the globe in a
state of panic. “We know he is going to be called to Hell at any
minute, but we are just not sure which day,” remarked Mrs. John
Loftis, assistant manager of Freehold, Iowa’s Smith & Wesson
Convention Center. “That makes planning a celebration difficult,” she
added, while flipping the pages of her monthly calendar, which seemed
to bleed with the sanguine markings of upcoming events. “As soon as
the pope dies, everyone -- except those Mary-worshiping Guineas --
will want to have a huge party to celebrate. I mean, even the loss of
your garden-variety Catholic is reason enough to cheer. But our main
room is booked for the rest of the year with huge Real Christian
banquets. I just checked our bookings this morning and only November
14 is free. Landover Baptist just cancelled its “Feed the Homeless”
charity dinner that night due to lack of interest. So, in order for
this to work, that old pansy in Rome needs to kick no sooner than
November 7, but no later than November 10. Otherwise, Landover will
lose its deposit. I’ve already talked to Pastor and there will be no
exceptions.”
To accommodate the convention center's scheduling constraint and
protect the church’s $4,000 deposit, Pastor Deacon Fred has called
upon Real Christians everywhere to say vociferous imprecatory prayers
against the pope’s fragile health during the first week of November.
“He is all but dead now,” pointed out Pastor, “all it is going to take
is one well-worded curse in Jesus’ name against that old fart and
he’ll be dust. Last week, I was watching the pope on TV mumbling one
of his satanic sermons in that Eurotrash voice of his, waving his hand
from the balcony like some palsy drunk hailing a cab. The second thing
to cross my mind – after Satan in a skirt -- was that that old fool is
going to be called home to his pal Lucifer any minute now. He was
shaking so much that if that fancy woman’s dress he was wearing didn’t
have so much starch in it to hold him up, his little Polish skeleton
would have fallen to the ground quicker than an altar boy when a
priest walks in the room. And we here at Landover Baptist are willing
to do whatever it takes to help God’s Perfect Will along."
“When Pope John Paul the First was killed by God after just a month,
it really caught us by surprise,” lamented Betty Bowers. “We had to
scramble. And everyone wants the celebration of the Lord killing a
pope to be a special occasion, since it happens all too infrequently.
It was a lovely party, and the food was amusing, but it wasn’t of a
New York caliber. There just wasn’t time to fly in a chef, as had
been done for the more considerate demise of Paul VI. And the food
and music for John XXIII’s death were absolutely legendary. Sammy
Davis, Jr. had done an impromptu, if off color, number called "Papal
Bull" that had everyone in stitches. So there is a glorious legacy to
which this year’s party will inevitably be compared. You can just
tell when something is thrown together at the last minute --like an
ABC sitcom. We are not going to let that happen this time. Quality
caterers cannot be rallied at the eleventh-hour. And I can always
tell if someone always available on short notice has done the flowers.
It just ends up looking like a black funeral.”
In addition to planning to fete Real Christians celebrating a world
with one less Catholic, the death of a pope provides a wonderful
opportunity to use a moment of vulnerability to proselytize to people
who have embraced a faith that guarantees a certain descent to Hell.
“We need to be ready this time,” said Pastor Harry Hardwick.
“Whenever a pope dies, tens of thousands of priests become depressed
and turn to booze. Since almost all priests are Irish, this means a
lot of mean drunks. They are dangerous to be around, but we are
really trying to reach out to Catholic priests, so we have to go to
them regardless of the risks to the personal safety of the people we
hire. This means having witnesses for the True Faith, Baptist, at all
the places Catholic priests tend to frequent in times of grief,
whether it is at gay bars, gay bathhouses, places of public sodomy or
Cher concerts. The very night Pope John Paul II croaks, we want to
make sure that we have Baptists stationed at all the gay discos ready
to give a Kleenex, a Bible tract and the way back to a religion that
God actually likes.”
"I was watching the pope on TV mumbling one of his satanic sermons in
that Eurotrash voice of his, waving his hand from the balcony like
some palsy drunk hailing a cab. The second thing to cross my mind –
after Satan in a skirt -- was that that old fool is going to be called
home to his pal Lucifer any minute now."
- Pastor Deacon Fred
Of course, priests’ reactions may be different to the passing of this
particular pope, since Pope John Paul II recently spoke against
homosexuality- outside of the Catholic Church. “I guess it is OK for
sodomy to go on inside St. Peters and every parish church from here to
Timbuktu until you feel like those folks in Sodom got a raw deal,”
dryly observed Mrs. Judy O’Christian, Landover’s diplomatic envoy to
the Vatican, “Just not out by the Coliseum where everyone can see it.
While some may think the Pope’s condemnation a little timid, we
applaud the courage that even that meek message must have taken. I
mean, the Pope speaking out against homos is like Nelson Mandela
condemning blacks. You just don’t expect folks to turn on their own
kind like that.”
Vatican officials had originally predicted the Pope would defy death
and soon be back to hobbling about, drooling down his jeweled
vestments, and hacking up blood like a half resurrected Lazarus. Such
wistful hopes, however, were dashed when the Pontiff was roundedly
snubbed by the Nobel committee for that award he has coveted (almost
as much as Mary) for 25 years, leading to a surprising amount of
broken papal-crested Limoges china and Waterford stemware, given the
Pope’s otherwise frail condition. The Pope, more addicted to fawning
adulation than Rush Limbaugh is to hillbilly heroin, was apparently
devastated that the committee awarded its Peace Prize to a woman who
has risked her life to speak out and work against repression and
violence in a country whose government hates and has jailed her,
whereas the Pope has for years given long-winded speeches against war
before being whisked to his secure, luxury accommodations in the
Vatican. A church insider reported, on the condition of anonymity,
that the Pope concluded that the spiteful secular prize committee in
Scandinavia, which seem literally hell-bent on depriving the Pope of
the award even though they know he has already commissioned a fabulous
marble trophy case to house it, has led the pontiff to feel like Karen
Carpenter when faced with the remoteness of ever winning another
Grammy award – he has stopped taking food.
--
epicurus1*at*optusnet*dot*com*dot*au
apatriot #1, atheist #1417,
Chief EAC prophet
http://members.optusnet.com.au/~pk1956/
Apatriotism Yahoo Group
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/apatriotism
Sunday: A day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves
were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in
Hell.
-Mencken
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