| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Sound of Trumpet" |
| Date: |
20 Dec 2006 08:19:10 PM |
| Object: |
My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/15/AR2006121501820.html
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor
By Katrina Clark
Sunday, December 17, 2006; B01
I really wasn't expecting anything the day, earlier this year, when I
sent an e-mail to a man whose name I had found on the Internet. I was
looking for my father, and in some ways this man fit the bill. But I
never thought I'd hit pay dirt on my first try. Then I got a reply --
with a picture attached.
From my computer screen, my own face seemed to stare back at me. And
just like that, after 17 years, the missing piece of the puzzle snapped
into place.
The puzzle of who I am.
I'm 18, and for most of my life, I haven't known half my origins. I
didn't know where my nose or jaw came from, or my interest in foreign
cultures. I obviously got my teeth and my penchant for corny jokes from
my mother, along with my feminist perspective. But a whole other part
of me was a mystery.
That part came from my father. The only thing was, I had never met him,
never heard any stories about him, never seen a picture of him. I
didn't know his name. My mother never talked about him -- because she
didn't have a clue who he was.
When she was 32, my mother -- single, and worried that she might never
marry and have a family -- allowed a doctor wearing rubber gloves to
inject a syringe of sperm from an unknown man into her uterus so that
she could have a baby. I am the result: a donor-conceived child.
And for a while, I was pretty angry about it.
I was angry at the idea that where donor conception is concerned,
everyone focuses on the "parents" -- the adults who can make choices
about their own lives. The recipient gets sympathy for wanting to have
a child. The donor gets a guarantee of anonymity and absolution from
any responsibility for the offspring of his "donation." As long as
these adults are happy, then donor conception is a success, right?
Not so. The children born of these transactions are people, too. Those
of us in the first documented generation of donor babies -- conceived
in the late 1980s and early '90s, when sperm banks became more common
and donor insemination began to flourish -- are coming of age, and we
have something to say.
I'm here to tell you that emotionally, many of us are not keeping up.
We didn't ask to be born into this situation, with its limitations and
confusion. It's hypocritical of parents and medical professionals to
assume that biological roots won't matter to the "products" of the
cryobanks' service, when the longing for a biological relationship is
what brings customers to the banks in the first place.
We offspring are recognizing the right that was stripped from us at
birth -- the right to know who both our parents are.
And we're ready to reclaim it.
Growing up, it didn't matter that I don't have a dad -- or at least
that is what I told myself. Just sometimes, when I was small, I would
daydream about a tall, lean man picking me up and swinging me around in
the front yard, a manly man melting at a touch from his little girl. I
wouldn't have minded if he weren't around all the time, as long as I
could have the sweet moments of reuniting with his strong arms and
hearty laugh. My daydreams always ended abruptly; I knew I would never
have a dad. As a coping mechanism, I used to think that he was dead.
That made it easier.
I've never been angry at my mother -- all my life she has been my hero,
my everything. She sacrificed so much as a single mother, living on
food stamps, trying to make ends meet. I know that many people
considered her a pioneer, a trailblazer for a new offshoot of the
women's movement. She explained to me when I was quite young why it was
that I didn't have a "dad," just a "biological father." I used to love
to repeat that word -- biological -- because it made me feel smart,
even though I didn't understand its implications.
Then when I was 9, the mother of one of my classmates ran for political
office. I remember seeing a television ad for her, and her family
appeared at the end -- the complete nuclear household in the back yard,
the kids playing on a swing suspended from a tree and eating their
father's barbeque. I looked back at my lonely, tired mother, who sat
there with a weak smile on her face.
In the middle of the fifth grade, I met a new friend, and we had a lot
in common: We both had single mothers. Her mother had suffered through
two divorces. My friend didn't have much to say about her dad, mainly
because she knew so little about him. But at least she got to visit him
and his new family. And I was jealous. Later, in the eighth grade,
another friend's father had an affair and her parents divorced. She was
in so much pain, and I tried to empathize for the loss of her dad. But
I was jealous of her, too, for all the attention she was getting. No
one had ever offered me support or sympathy like that.
Around this time, my mother and I moved in with a friend and -- along
with several other teenagers, one infant and some other adults -- lived
with her for nearly a year. I went through a teenage anger stage; I
would stay in my room, listening to Avril Lavigne and to Eminem's
lyrics of broken homes and broken people. I felt broken, too. All the
other teenagers in the house had problems with their dads. I would sit
with them through tears during various rough times, and then I'd go
back to my room and listen to some more Eminem. I was angry, too, and
angry that I had nowhere to direct my anger.
When my mother eventually got married, I didn't get along with her
husband. For so long, it had been just the two of us, my mom and I, and
now I felt like the odd girl out. When she and I quarreled, this new
man in our lives took to interjecting his opinion, and I didn't like
that. One day, I lost my composure and screamed that he had no
authority over me, that he wasn't my father -- because I didn't have
one.
That was when the emptiness came over me. I realized that I am, in a
sense, a freak. I really, truly would never have a dad. I finally
understood what it meant to be donor-conceived, and I hated it.
It might have gone on this way indefinitely, but about a year ago I
happened to see a television show about a woman who had died of a heart
attack. A genetic disease had caused her heart to deteriorate, but she
didn't know about her predisposition because she had been adopted as a
baby and didn't know her biological families' medical histories. It hit
me that I didn't know mine, either. Or half of it, at least.
So I began to research Fairfax Cryobank, the Northern Virginia sperm
bank where my mother had been inseminated. I knew that sperm donors are
screened and tested thoroughly, but I was still concerned. The bank had
been established in 1986, a mere two years before my conception. Many
maladies have come to light since then.
I e-mailed the bank five times over the course of a year, requesting
medical information about my donor, but no one responded. Then one
Friday last spring, I started surfing the Web. Eventually I came upon
an archive of "Oprah" shows. One was a show about artificial
insemination using anonymous donors. A girl perched on Oprah's couch.
Next to her sat her "donor," the man who was her biological father.
I froze. Why hadn't I thought of that? If I wanted medical information
and a sense of roots, who better to seek out than the man responsible
for them?
I set out to find my own donor. From the limited information my mother
had been given -- his blood type, race, ethnicity, eye and hair color
and hair texture; his height, weight and body build; his years of
college and course of study -- I concluded that he had probably
graduated from a four-year university in Northern Virginia or the
District within a span of three years. Now all I had to do was search
through the records and yearbooks of all the possible universities and
make some awkward phone calls. I figured if I worked intensely enough,
my search would take a minimum of 10 years. But I was ready and
willing.
A few days later, searching for an online message board for
donor-conceived people, I came across a donor and offspring registry.
Scanning past some entries for more recent donors, I spotted a donation
date closer to what I was looking for. I e-mailed the man who had
posted the entry. A few days later he sent a warm response and attached
a picture of himself. I read through his pleasant words and scrolled
down to look at the photo. My breath stopped. I called for my mother,
who rushed in, thinking something was terribly wrong. "I think I've
found my biological father," I gasped between sobs. "Look at the
picture. . . .That's my face."
After a few weeks of e-mailing, this stranger and I took DNA tests.
When the results arrived, I tore open the envelope, feeling like a
character in a soap opera. Most of the scientific language went over my
head, but I understood one fact more clearly than I have ever
understood anything in my life: There was, the letter said, a 99.9902
percent chance that this man was my father. After 17 years, I let out a
long sigh.
I had found the man who had given me blue eyes and blond hair. And it
had taken me only a month.
My life has changed since then. Once the initial disbelief that I had
found my father wore off, my thoughts turned to all the other
donor-conceived kids out there who have been or will be holding their
breath much longer than I. My search for my father had been unusually
successful; most offspring will look for many, many years before they
succeed, if they ever do.
My heart went out to those others, especially after I participated in a
couple of online groups. When I read some of the mothers' thoughts
about their choice for conception, it made me feel degraded to nothing
more than a vial of frozen sperm. It seemed to me that most of the
mothers and donors give little thought to the feelings of the children
who would result from their actions. It's not so much that they're
coldhearted as that they don't consider what the children might think
once they grow up.
Those of us created with donated sperm won't stay bubbly babies
forever. We're all going to grow into adults and form opinions about
the decision to bring us into the world in a way that deprives us of
the basic right to know where we came from, what our history is and who
both our parents are.
Some countries, such as Australia and the United Kingdom, are beginning
to move away from the practice of paying donors and granting them
anonymity, and making it somewhat easier for offspring to find their
biological fathers. I understand anonymity's appeal for so many donors:
Even if their offspring were to find them one day -- which is becoming
more and more probable -- they have no legal, social, financial or
moral obligation to their children.
But perhaps if donors were not paid and anonymity were no longer
guaranteed, those still willing to participate would seriously consider
the repercussions of their actions. They would have to be prepared to
someday meet the people whom they helped create, to answer questions
and to deal with a range of erratic emotions from their offspring. I
believe I've let go of any resentment about the way I was conceived.
I'm playing the cards I've been dealt and trying to make the best of
things. But not all donor-conceived people share this mindset.
As relief about my own situation has come to me, I've talked freely and
regularly about being donor-conceived, in public and in private. In the
beginning, I also talked about it a lot with my biological father.
After a bit, though, I noticed that his enthusiasm for our developing
relationship seemed to be waning. When I told him of my suspicion, he
confirmed that he was tired of "this whole sperm-donor thing." The
irony stings me more each time I think of him saying that. The very
thing that brought us together was pushing us in opposite directions.
Even though I've only recently come into contact with him, I wouldn't
be able to just suck it up if he stopped communicating with me. There's
still so much I want to know. I want to know him. I want to know his
family. I'm certain he has no idea how big a role he has played in my
life despite his absence -- or because of his absence. If I can't be
too attached to him as my father, I'll still always be attached to the
feeling I now have of having a father.
I feel more whole now than I ever have. I love our conversations, even
the most trivial ones. I don't love him, and I don't know if I ever
will, but I care about him a lot.
Now that he knows I exist, I'm okay if he doesn't care for me in the
same way. But I hope he at least thinks of me sometimes.
Katrina Clark is a student in the undergraduate hearing program at
Gallaudet University.
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| User: "Zadok" |
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| Title: Re: My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
21 Dec 2006 07:04:40 AM |
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"Sound of Trumpet" <> wrote in message
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor
By Katrina Clark
If you read through her rant, it's not hard to see that it is ALL ABOUT
HER!!
Where is the concern for her mother, who slaved away giving her a life??
Why is the Biological father's interest waning??
Simple, because it's ALL ABOUT HER!!
She's alive because of them. She doesn't like that, tell her to jump off a
fucking bridge.
Anything to stop her fucking whining!!
.
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| User: "Pangur Ban" |
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| Title: Re: My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
21 Dec 2006 07:58:12 AM |
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Zadok submitted this idea :
"Sound of Trumpet" <> wrote in message
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor
By Katrina Clark
If you read through her rant, it's not hard to see that it is ALL ABOUT
HER!!
Where is the concern for her mother, who slaved away giving her a life??
Why is the Biological father's interest waning??
Simple, because it's ALL ABOUT HER!!
She's alive because of them. She doesn't like that, tell her to jump off a
fucking bridge.
Anything to stop her fucking whining!!
I agree. Her post was all about her. She has taken one issue and made
it the focus of her life. The biological father's interest is waning?
Not a surprise ... she doesn't want to know about his side of her
ancestry ... she just wants to whine about the very thing which gave
her life. No sympathy from me.
--
Pangur Ban - nonchristian theist
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| User: "Robibnikoff" |
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| Title: Re: My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
21 Dec 2006 09:53:35 AM |
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"Pangur Ban" <PangurBanTheist@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:mn.a9a27d6c77513112.64065@worldnet.att.net...
Zadok submitted this idea :
"Sound of Trumpet" <> wrote in message
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor
By Katrina Clark
If you read through her rant, it's not hard to see that it is ALL ABOUT
HER!!
Where is the concern for her mother, who slaved away giving her a life??
Why is the Biological father's interest waning??
Simple, because it's ALL ABOUT HER!!
She's alive because of them. She doesn't like that, tell her to jump off
a
fucking bridge.
Anything to stop her fucking whining!!
I agree. Her post was all about her. She has taken one issue and made it
the focus of her life. The biological father's interest is waning? Not a
surprise ... she doesn't want to know about his side of her ancestry ...
she just wants to whine about the very thing which gave her life. No
sympathy from me.
She is a fucking whiner. Try being adopted with a disinterested birthmother
who refuses to tell you who your biological father is. That's a kick in the
teeth.
But, you know what? You get over it and move on.
--
Robyn
Resident Witchypoo
#1557
I think religion is so popular because even the village idiot can feel like
Einstein without any effort. - Denis Loubet
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| User: "Pangur Ban" |
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| Title: Re: My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
21 Dec 2006 10:22:56 AM |
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Robibnikoff submitted this idea :
"Pangur Ban" <PangurBanTheist@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:mn.a9a27d6c77513112.64065@worldnet.att.net...
Zadok submitted this idea :
"Sound of Trumpet" <> wrote in message
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor
By Katrina Clark
If you read through her rant, it's not hard to see that it is ALL ABOUT
HER!!
Where is the concern for her mother, who slaved away giving her a life??
Why is the Biological father's interest waning??
Simple, because it's ALL ABOUT HER!!
She's alive because of them. She doesn't like that, tell her to jump off a
fucking bridge.
Anything to stop her fucking whining!!
I agree. Her post was all about her. She has taken one issue and made it
the focus of her life. The biological father's interest is waning? Not a
surprise ... she doesn't want to know about his side of her ancestry ...
she just wants to whine about the very thing which gave her life. No
sympathy from me.
She is a fucking whiner. Try being adopted with a disinterested birthmother
who refuses to tell you who your biological father is. That's a kick in the
teeth.
But, you know what? You get over it and move on.
She has not....to her loss.
--
Pangur Ban - nonchristian theist
.
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| User: "Sylvia R. Dickinson" |
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| Title: Re: My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
21 Dec 2006 10:10:09 AM |
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Zadok wrote:
Where is the concern for her mother, who slaved away giving her a life??
She's an ungreatful *****.
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| User: "pluther" |
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| Title: Re: My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
21 Dec 2006 10:20:53 AM |
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Sylvia R. Dickinson wrote:
Zadok wrote:
Where is the concern for her mother, who slaved away giving her a life??
She's an ungreatful *****.
She's 17.
She's a teenage girl, searching for an identity, and doesn't have the
maturity and hindsight to realize that she's not the first one to ever
go through this. Pretty much every one of us goes through the same
thing at her age, more or less, regardless of how many parents they
have or whether they knew them or not.
When she's well into her 20's, she may eventually come to the
realization that her identity isn't dictated by those who came before
her and is something that only she can define for herself.
Or maybe not. Maybe she'll obsess about this particular issue as she
feels it's what makes her special somehow and stay, emotionally, 17 for
the rest of her life. Many people do.
-Pat
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| User: "Smiler" |
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| Title: Re: My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
20 Dec 2006 08:35:51 PM |
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"Sound of Trumpet" <sound_of_trumpet@myway.com> wrote in message
news:1166667550.494337.162260@f1g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/15/AR2006121501820.html
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor
You're the best argument against IVF I've ever found.
Smiler,
The godless one
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| User: "Yang, AthD h.c" |
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| Title: Jesus Christ: "My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor" |
21 Dec 2006 12:24:55 AM |
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On Thu, 21 Dec 2006 02:35:51 GMT, "Smiler" <Smiler@Joe.King.com>
wrote:
"Sound of Trumpet" <sound_of_trumpet@myway.com> wrote in message
news:1166667550.494337.162260@f1g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/15/AR2006121501820.html
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor
You're the best argument against IVF I've ever found.
I thought Christiasn would be all for Anonymous Sperm Donors...
-----
Yang
a.a. #28
AthD (h.c.) conferred by the regents of the LCL
a.a. pastor #-273.15, the most frigid church of Celcius nee Kelvin
EAC Econometric Forecast and Sorcery Division
The Bush 'balanced' budget: -2 trillion and worsening
The Bush 'economic' policy: 12.5 million FEWER jobs than Clinton and counting
The Bush Iraq lie: -2955 GIs, one friend's co-worker's son and mounting
Having Bush ***** up my country: Worthless
newsgroups Yang promises not to revenge post
in response to Sound-of-Trumpet's *****:
rec.art.scifi.written
sci.archaeology
soc.history.what-if
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| User: "quibbler" |
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| Title: Re: My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
21 Dec 2006 01:30:20 AM |
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In article <1166667550.494337.162260@f1g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
sound_of_trumpet@myway.com says...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/15/AR2006121501820.html
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor
If it weren't for anonymous sperm donors in the bathrooms of honkey tonks
and truck stops then the majority of rednecks wouldn't even get born.
Besides, if they knew which cousin was their "pappy" that would take all
the mystery out of life.
--
Quibbler (quibbler247atyahoo.com)
"It is fashionable to wax apocalyptic about the
threat to humanity posed by the AIDS virus, 'mad cow'
disease, and many others, but I think a case can be
made that faith is one of the world's great evils,
comparable to the smallpox virus but harder to
eradicate." -- Richard Dawkins
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| User: "the Curmudgeon" |
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| Title: Re: My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
21 Dec 2006 02:49:24 AM |
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quibbler <quibbler247@yahoo.com> wrote in
news:MPG.1ff3e5f8a524c334989d4f@news.readfreenews.net:
In article <1166667550.494337.162260@f1g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
sound_of_trumpet@myway.com says...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/15/AR2006
121501820.html
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor
If it weren't for anonymous sperm donors in the bathrooms of honkey
tonks and truck stops then the majority of rednecks wouldn't even get
born. Besides, if they knew which cousin was their "pappy" that would
take all the mystery out of life.
A lot of those bathrooms of honky tonks and truck stops have condom
machines with signs on them saying "For family planning purposes" (true!!)
And you know what they say in redneck country - "The best family tree is
one without branches"
the Curmudgeon
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: My Father Was An Anonymous Sperm Donor |
21 Dec 2006 12:43:53 AM |
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Sound of Trumpet wrote:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/15/AR2006121501820.html
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor
Well, I am a survived abortion, a teen distortion, a rebel from the
waste down.
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