"My Most Embarassing Moment -- by Jesus H. Christ"
by Eric A. Snoddy
It was three o'clock in the morning. Outside the club it rained heavily,
but despite the gloom of the night, the regular patrons were drunk as
usual. I could hear conversations about work, about women, about all
sorts of things really, but I was not eavesdropping. I have my dignity,
and besides, I was more interested in the bountiful beauty dancing
topless on the main stage. Oh she was a sinner!
I told myself that I was the Son of God, that I had no right to gaze
upon mortal flesh with such lust. But I couldn't stop looking. I was
hooked.
And then something terrible happened: just as I placed another dollar
into the diva's g-string, I was recognized.
"Hey guys, check it out!" I heard someone yell. "It's Jesus!"
I immediately sank into my seat. /Not now, dear me, not now!/ But I knew
it was too late: my crown of thorns was giving me away.
"Jesus what's up? How are things for ya, man?"
I could've died and resurrected right there, but instead I played dumb.
"I, uh, don't know what you're talking about. My name is... Frank.
Frank--" I looked at a nearby sign--"Frank Bacardi."
At first he looked disappointed, but then his sour expression turned
skeptical. "Nah man, you've got the crown of thorns and everything... I
know it's you! Hey guys, c'mere! It's friggin' Jesus!"
Needless to say, I was soon blessing a huge crowd of loud, spirited
drunks. Let me tell you, nothing makes a Saturday morning less enjoyable
than having to lay your hand on a bunch of your surly children while you
watch a naked woman wrap her legs around a brass pole. This truly was
the most embarassing moment of my life (second not even to the time my
loin cloth fell to my ankles while speaking parables to a crowd of one
thousand).
--Image enclosed (maybe)--
(see also post: Vietnam Jesus)
-----
Eric Alhazred
"God Answers Prayers of Paralyzed Little Boy.
'No,' says God."
An incredible, booming voice said to Timmy,
'I am the Lord thy God, who created the rivers
and the mountains, the heavens and the earth,
the sun and the moon and the stars. Before Me
sits My beloved child, whose faith is that of
the mustard seed from which grows mighty and
powerful things. My child, Timmy Yu, I say unto
you thus: I have heard your prayers, and now I
shall answer them. No, you cannot get out of
your wheelchair. Not ever.'"
--The Onion (www.theonion.com)
.
|
