Subject: SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
"Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,
75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is
inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes
one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally
take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4
years; it does not decay, but, instead undergoes a reorganization in
which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange
places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over
time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
"Critical Morass". When catalyzed with money Governmentium becomes
Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since
it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
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