OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE RESPONSE TO NEW AUDIO TAPE STATEMENT AND TRUCE OFFER
FROM OSAMA BIN HUSSEIN
Statement by the Press Secretary
http://www.whitehouse.org/news/2006/011906.asp
MR. McCLELLAN: Good morning. Having reviewed the contents of the newly
authenticated tape from Osama bin Hussein, I have been authorized to
respond to and comment on its contents.
First and foremost, as regards Mr. Bin Laden's offer of a wussy-pants so-
called "truce": our formal answer is an unequivocal "N-O Spells 'No!'"
America does not negotiate with terrorists. We put them out of business.
Unless of course they enjoy killing people we don't like, such as
Iranians or Soviets or the Sandanistas. In that case we use the CIA to
funnel millions of dollars to them and turn them into covert puppets that
do our dirty work. But even then, we never negotiate. We delegate.
With that main point behind us, there's another thing I'd like to
address. As you know, Saddam bin Laden was speaking directly to the
American people in this latest tape. Now the Bible teaches us – along
with the first Exorcist movie – that Satan likes to confuse us by mixing
the truth in with his lies. And since Osaddama is a bona fide evildoer,
some folks might mistakenly think he's doing the same thing. Which is why
I want to assure folks that every last word out of that psychopathic
Allah freak's falafel-hole is 1000% FALSE.
Here are just a few examples from his latest rant:
EVILDOER LIE: "Polls show an overwhelming majority of you
want the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq."
PATRIOTIC TRUTH: No, polls show that only 65% of you want that –
and a 15% margin is far from "overwhelming." Well,
unless you're talking about a Presidential election
that we won, in which case 2.87% is totally
overwhelming, and also represents a sweeping mandate.
EVILDOER LIE: "The war in Iraq is waging with no let-up, and
operations in Afghanistan are escalating in our favor."
PATRIOTIC TRUTH: If that were true, don't you think you'd have heard
a heck of a lot more about it lately? After all, it's
not like America's ratings-obsessed news media would
forego exhaustive coverage of a monotonous stream of
roadside bombings and ambushes in favor of non-stop
updates on that sexy blonde Aruba Girl!
EVILDOER LIE: "As for torturing men, they have used burning chemical
acids…"
PATRIOTIC TRUTH: Earth to Bin Laden! White phosphorus – which was
only banned for use by inferior countries – isn't
technically an acid. Acid is a liquid. This is a waxy
solid – that just happens to act like an acid. I mean,
really! Have you no shame?
EVILDOER LIE: "They have not broken the fierceness of the resistance.
The mujahadeen are increasing in number and strength…
Iraq has become a point of attraction and restorer of
our energies."
PATRIOTIC TRUTH: That's silly. Just because polls across the
Muslamoid world clearly indicate that hatred for
America is directly proportionate to the duration and
intensity of our military operations there, what
possible relation could that have to swelling al
Qaeda's ranks? I mean, talk about your weirdo twisted
non-logic!
EVILDOER LIE: "We were patient in fighting the Soviet Union with
simple weapons for 10 years and we bled their economy
and now they are nothing. In that there is a lesson for
you."
PATRIOTIC TRUTH: HA! Everyone knows that it was GEORGE BUSH THE ELDER
who reduced the Soviet Union to nothing by… ummm… being
President when it happened! And anyway, whatever small
part you and your thugs played in Afghanistan was
funded by the Reagan administration. Remember that?
That's right, you'd be nothing without America. We
created you, remember? Who's your daddy, Terror Boy?
So there you have it: lie after lie after lie. Anyway, all this proposed
"truce" means is that Obama is weak. It's like Vice President Cheney
says: it's just a "ploy." He's just trying to spook us. He CAN'T strike
us. And the reason we haven't been attacked since 9/11 isn't because he's
been patiently planning something big, it's because our awesome new
Police State THWARTED HIM. And if anybody says otherwise, that means
they're a total terrorist-loving *****.
Never mind that Bin Labia has issued essentially identical warnings prior
to each and every major attack he has launched to date. Never mind that
his loonybird religion compels him to do that, and he has proven himself
consistently devout in that regard to date. No, never mind that stuff at
all – because everyone knows that the smartest thing you can do in a war
is to underestimate your enemy.
In closing, President Bush has one request for the American people: the
next time the terror ***** hits the fan here in the US, whatever you do,
don’t watch all the television replays of us mega-macho chickenhawks
swinging our dicks around and acting all tough and confident today. That
will just make you sad and angry at your leaders, and there's no possible
good that can come of that.
Thank you. No questions.
--
Enkidu AA#2165
http://www.thoughts.leaddogs.org/
EAC Chaplain and ordained minister,
ULC, Modesto, CA
PGP ID: 0xC4CE8CF0
"My father crapped bigger ones than George Bush," says the former
president's son,
in a flame-throwing conversation about the war and the Bush
administration's efforts
to lay claim to the Reagan legacy. April, 2004
.
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