To The Citizens of The United States of America:
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right
Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now
been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint
a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra'
e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'
if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Lo! ok up "interspersed". There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope
with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn
to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as
often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also
have  to earn how to understand regional accents. Scottish dramas such
as"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're
talking about regions, you must learn that there is no  such place as
Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you
persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
"shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as  the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving
Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a
wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of
occasional
political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.

 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind  of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world  outside  your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American"  football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with  the  girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby  (which  is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a  rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like  nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens  side  by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an  event  c! alled the 'World Series' for a game
which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are
aware that there is a world beyond  your borders, your error is
understandable. Instead of baseball, you  will be allowed to play a
girls' game called "rounders" which is  baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards  or  hotdogs.

 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will
no  longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public  than  a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are
sensible enough  to  handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a
new  national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive  Day".

 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for  your  own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we  mean. All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You  will  start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you  will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of  conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you  understand  the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are
Belgian  though most of you are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those  things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called  "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served
warm and flat.  Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to  all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
quantity  to  be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston
itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper
British Bitter  will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and  accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The
substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth
be  referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of
the  product of the American Budweiser company whose product will
be  referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow
true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,
Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline"
as  you  will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)
prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those
of the former  USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol
prices  (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns,  lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and  therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns  should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort  things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're  not grown up enough to handle a gun.  

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to  ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).


 Thank you for your cooperation.