Religions > Atheism > OT: From the Phineas T. Manbottle Library of Arcane Knowledge andQuestionable Humor
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Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"dgillesp" |
| Date: |
01 Apr 2005 01:30:33 PM |
| Object: |
OT: From the Phineas T. Manbottle Library of Arcane Knowledge andQuestionable Humor |
ONLY A SOUTHERNER
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"yonder."
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in
the middle of the table.
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the
term, but they know the concept well.
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and
"a right far piece." They also know at "just down the road" can be 1
mile or 20.
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. we don't do
"queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you
are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart"
and go your own way.
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have
classes on Southerness as a second language!
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint
from the South but I got here as fast as I could."
- The Phineas T. Manbottle Library of Arcane Knowledge and Questionable
Humor
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: OT: From the Phineas T. Manbottle Library of Arcane Knowledge and Questionable Humor |
01 Apr 2005 08:00:22 PM |
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dgillesp wrote:
ONLY A SOUTHERNER
Pshaw. Half my family hails from only as far south
as northern PA, and we've got most of that list
goin' strong. "Only a southerner" indeed... :-)
Walt Smith
Firelock on DALNet
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| User: "dgillesp" |
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| Title: Re: OT: From the Phineas T. Manbottle Library of Arcane Knowledge andQuestionable Humor |
02 Apr 2005 01:13:01 AM |
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wrote:
dgillesp wrote:
ONLY A SOUTHERNER
Pshaw. Half my family hails from only as far south
as northern PA, and we've got most of that list
goin' strong. "Only a southerner" indeed... :-)
Walt Smith
Firelock on DALNet
The South IS gonna rise agin. Thanks for the evadense that it has
infilterated all the way to the nawth side of yore Yankee state. Bless
yore heart for those encouragin words.
Denny
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: OT: From the Phineas T. Manbottle Library of Arcane Knowledge and Questionable Humor |
02 Apr 2005 02:50:10 PM |
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dgillesp wrote:
firelock_ny@hotmail.com wrote:
dgillesp wrote:
ONLY A SOUTHERNER
Pshaw. Half my family hails from only as far south
as northern PA, and we've got most of that list
goin' strong. "Only a southerner" indeed... :-)
The South IS gonna rise agin. Thanks for the evadense that it has
infilterated all the way to the nawth side of yore Yankee state.
Bless
yore heart for those encouragin words.
Infiltrate north? My family settled thar while yore
prized southern states were still nothin' but stompin'
grounds for allygators, and some of them were part of
the crowd that knocked the south down back durin' that
there family squabble a century and a half ago.
Remember a little place called Gettysburg, PA?
Rise all you want, country cousin, but jest you
remember that when it comes to bein' country, you
guys copied *us*. ;-)
Walt Smith
Firelock on DALNet
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