http://www.noapologiespress.com/newnews/rapture042504-1.html
Rapture Comes, Goes, Leaves Ashcroft Behind
by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The second coming of Jesus the Christ, also known as
The Rapture, came and went with little fanfare last night, much to the
surprise of many alleged Christians, including America's leading
born-again Christian, Attorney General John Ashcroft.
"What's this?" Ashcroft asked, blinking with confusion. "He hast come?
At what hour? Why didn't you fornicators tell me?"
Billions of other Christians of every denomination found themselves
asking the same question after a quick count revealed that only one of
them -- Kaley Schwett, 12, of Minneapolis -- is still missing and
unaccounted for after the Messiah carried away the saved.
"Kaley kept complaining about trumpets and seals and angels, but I just
thought she drank too much Mountain Dew," said Shirley Schwett, Kaley's
mother, who is "thrilled" her child achieved salvation, but saddened
that she herself will burn in hell.
"I guess I shouldn't have fornicated before wedlock," Schwett said,
sighing. "Or kick that homeless woman to death."
Ashcroft, however, wasn't so worried for Schwett's eternal soul as he
was for his own.
"Yea verily, I don't drink, cheat on my taxes, take pleasures of the
flesh with women, so on and so forth," Ashcroft declared. "Why am I not
in Heaven? Why hast thou forsaken me, Lord?"
Jesus Christ, however, had a few things to say when asked about
Ashcroft's application to eternal bliss.
"Well, you know, a good Christian shouldn't be an unmitigated liar,"
Jesus said, shrugging. "It's somewhere in the Bible, I think. And even
if it isn't, it should be. It should read, 'No brazen, shameless liars
allowed.'"
Asked to clarify his statement, Christ sighed.
"Man, that's a long list. Just look at the 9-11 Commission testimony he
gave. First, Ashcroft swore the government didn't know the attacks were
imminent, but even you mortals know from the evidence that's a lie. Then
he made it look like Democrats were at fault for decisions he made --
that's lying and bearing false witness. Then Ashcroft swore up and down
that he kept himself updated about terrorist threats with regular
briefings from the FBI, even though the head of the FBI at the time
testified that Ashcroft didn't want any more information after just two
briefings."
At that point, Christ chuckled. "Word to the wise, John -- you can lie
to a commission, you can lie to the public, but you can't lie to me,
mister."
Upon hearing Christ's comments, the attorney general immediately
announced, "Christ's the biggest liar." Ashcroft also indicated that he
would begin investigating newly uncovered evidence that the Son of God
had collaborated with the 9-11 terrorists.
Meanwhile, however, Ashcroft has to deal with a fiery future in Satan's
pit. As do you, apparently.
Stoney
"Designated Rascal and Rapscallion
and
SCAMPERMEISTER!"
When in doubt, SCAMPER about!
When things are fair, SCAMPER everywhere!
When things are rough, can't SCAMPER enough!
/end humour alert
alt.atheism military veteran #11
{so much for the 'no atheists in foxholes' rubbish}
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