http://elephanticity.250x.com/oldhex/humor/military.htm
A destroyer pulled into Borneo for liberty. Cut down to a skeleton
watch, most of the ship was empty for the night. A few piers down, a
ship was loading local cargo for export. Among the crates was an
orangutan, who broke out of his cage. The ape traveled the waterfront
in the dark, and finally reached the destroyer. He climbed the mooring
lines, boarded, and climbed up the smokestack. Inside the stack, the
confused animal made it down to the engine room, and started wandering
around. He came to an electrical panel, opened for maintenance,
ignored the safety ropes, and managed to make contact with an
extremely high voltage contact. Bright blue spark and the ship is
suddenly dark throughout.
A few minutes later, two hull techs are searching with their
flashlights for the problem. They come on the dark burnt hairy body.
They shine the flashlight on his long, long arms. They look at each
other. They look at his short stubby legs. They look at each other.
They look at his face for a long time.
Finally, the third class tells the seaman: 'Okay, his legs are too
short for a machinist mate, his arms are too long for a boiler tech,
and he's too hairy for an electrician. Call the wardroom, see if any
of the junior officers are missing.'
**
Two Air Force fighter jets in transit to Reykjavik fly over a P3 Orion
on subhunter patrol. They decide to have some fun, and fly down to
either side of slower craft. They connect on the radio, and pass the
time of day with the Navy pilot.
Then one jet pilot says, 'Hey watch this!' He shoots ahead to
supersonic, points the nose up, pops up into the sky and disappears.
He comes back into view behind them, screaming out of the sky, flies
between the other two planes, pulls up just short of hitting the
Atlantic, and eases back up to their altitude. He ends up in formation
again.
The other jet pilot says, 'Hey, watch THIS!' Shoots straight down, to
just-above-wave-level, tips over upside down, flies almost INTO a
wave, turns over, sharp turn, spirals up until he actually circles the
other two planes, then pulls into the formation again.
The P3 pilot says, 'That's nothing. Watch closely.' With that, he gets
out of his seat, waves, and walks out of the cockpit back into the
plane. A few minutes later, he comes forward again, sits down and dons
the headphones. 'How was THAT?'
'What the hell did you do?' they ask.
'I put a burrito in the microwave, caught the score on the game, ate
the burrito, and woke up my copilot. He's gotta fly this thing for a
while.'
**
Which Service has the Dumbest Officers? *
1. Well, in the Coast Guard the officers stay nice and dry on land,
while the enlisted people head out to sea in all sorts of weather.
2. In the Army, the officers stand behind the troops and shout,
"Attack!"
3. In the Navy, the officers stand on the bridge and steer the ship
into action.
4. In the Marine Corps, the officers stand in front of the troops
and shout, "Attack!"
5. And in the Air Force? Well, the officers go off to battle in
their pretty flight suits, flying their expesnive toys, while the
enlisted people head for the club for a long one.
* Or, conversely, the smartest enlisted people.
**
The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) Upon
encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
1. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
2. Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the
fairway!"
3. Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.
4. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
5. Marines, Security: Kills snake, but looses bayonet in the fight.
Gunny has Marine stand at attention, holding empty bayonet scabbard
and snake carcass for four hours.
6. Marines, ForceRecon: Eats snake.
7. Marines, Gunny: Knows a few stories about people messing with
snakes when they shouldn't. And they all died.
8. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
9. Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of
operations.
10. Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with
secret still.
11. Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then
calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites
the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in
which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
12. Navy Officer: Orders Chief to kill snake, and complete all snake
paperwork.
13. Navy Chief: Tells 1st class to kill snake, and clean up this
place.
14. Navy 1st Class: Has 2nd class kill snake, rest of division clean
up 'the big stuff' then take off
15. Navy 2nd Class: 70% chance he kills the snake (80% chance with
something other than approved snake-killing equipment), 30% chance he
decides it would be Really Neat to put the damned thing in a bilge and
call it a Pet.
16. Navy 3rd Class: Finds snake in the bilge, plays with it RIGHT up
until the Executive Officer walks up.
17. Navy Ensign: Volunteers to take care of the snake for the XO,
confuses snake procedure with recipe for decaf coffee.
18. Navy Corpsman: Treats Ensign for snakebite and Snake for
irritability by dispensing a handful of Motrin to both.
19. Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring
it, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
20. Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills
snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
21. Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as
a HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on
airplane.
22. Special Forces: Trains it to kill other snakes.
23. War Correspondent. Decides snake is patriotic nationalist
agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks
snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S.
troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.
**
An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he
ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a
seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of
training aboard.
'Sailor,' he asked, 'what would you do if someone fell over the rail?'
'Officer or enlisted?' was the instant reply.
'Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your
buds falls over the side, what would you do?'
'Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by
the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and
lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to
the bridge to aid in the recovery.'
'Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an
officer fell over the side?'
The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, 'Which
one?'
**
Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of
the island campaigns during World War II.
When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals
he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well
for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors
are eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the Commanding Admiral returned and said, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However,
one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to
him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Admiral left, the
leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you
idiots ate the Chief?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader
of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, and even one Commander
and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief"
**
Seems a MAA was teaching Drug Recognition to some officers. He had a
cigar box with three joints in it. They passed it around, with the
instructions to crack it, sniff, and then open it to see what that
smell was. This was so that as the officers toured their spaces, they
might recognize the smell.
Anyway, it passes around once, and when it gets back to the
instructor, it only had two joints in it.
'Ha ha. Very funny. Now, I'm going to pass it around again, and this
time I want everything back.' Around it goes, comes back, now it has
just one joint inside.
'This isn't funny. Everyone put your head down on the desk, when the
box is passed to you, open it, put it back if you have it, close it,
and pass it on. Keep your head on the desk so no one will see who has
it.' Comes back with two joints.
'Dammit. Everyone into the hall.'. MAA goes down the hall, comes back
with a German Shepherd and his partner. 'This is a drug dog. We're
gonna do this one more time, then if the dog finds a joint on you,
you're going to be arrested.' One at a time they went into the class,
opened the box, closed it, came out again. MAA went into the
classroom....and found five joints in the box.....
**
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a man below. He got a bit closer and shouted, 'Excuse me,
can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him in about an hour
but I don't know where I am!'
Man below replied "You are in a hot air balloon drifting about 30 feet
off the ground, in a west-northwest direction, about 40 degrees north
latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
After a moment of silence, the balloonist replide 'You must be an
enlisted man at the base.'
"I am," came the answer, "How did you know?"
"Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but i have no
idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still
lost. Frankly, you've not been much help."
"You must be an Officer." came back quickly.
"How did you know?"
"Well, you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have
risen to where you are largely due to hot air. You made a promise you
have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve
your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you
were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
**
U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United
States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the
Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for
the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job
seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but
promise to defend the stationary bike as a valid test of fitness.
I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because
I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy
the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all
those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of
that fact.
After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean,
donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,
chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will
make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in
the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and
it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home
early every day.
I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all
those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.
______________________________
Signature, Date
U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United
States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get
into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and
the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots
because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to
wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will
continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my
Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I
will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots
because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to
wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will
continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my
Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I
will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of
service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my
PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will
attend a different Army school once every other month and return
knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot
Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade
sweetheart.I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she
might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine.
Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at
1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report
back to the "company."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help
me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction
with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the
Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it
because I can't pass a placement exam.
_____________
Signature, Date
U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of
my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with
Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought
the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like
to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style
in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of
pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor
man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and
head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great
pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and
everything else for that matter, are completely different from the
other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster
(whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy
with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can
stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not
spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at
least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief,
I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly
illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."
_________________________
Signature, Date
U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight...cammies...
uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH! So help me Corps.
Thumb Print, Date (Y/N)
--
Contempt of Congress meter reading-offscale.
Hello, theocracy with a fundamentalist US Supreme
Court who will ensure church and state are joined
at the hip like clergy and altar boys.
America 1776-Jan 2001 RIP
"As democracy is perfected, the office of president
represents, more and more closely, the inner soul
of the people. On some great and glorious day the
plain folks of the land will reach their heart's
desire at last and the White House will be adorned
by a downright moron." --- H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Religion is the original war crime.
-Michelle Malkin (Feb 26, 2005)
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