| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"stoney nada" |
| Date: |
19 Dec 2005 10:35:33 AM |
| Object: |
OT: Humour |
http://johnmm.bol.ucla.edu/sexualphysics/procreation.htm
The Joy of Sexual Physics
with Dr John
"Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics"
TOP 10 REASONS WHY SEX AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT IS NOT AN ADVISABLE FORM
OF PROCREATION
10. Penile length contraction:
According to the relativistic theory of length contraction, this is
an inevitable consequence of performing sex at the speed of light. An
average penis of length 13cm traveling at 99% the speed of light will
contract down to a length of only 1.8cm (this is about the same
length as the smallest functional penis officially recorded). At the
speed of light, length contraction leads to an interesting paradox in
which the penis seems to have no length at all, but is still managing
to have sex somehow.
9. Penile black hole formation:
At the speed of light, relativity also predicts that the penis will
attain infinite mass, essentially becoming a black hole. When its
owner realises that his penis has turned into a black hole, he will
become profoundly depressed and overcome by a feeling of loss. John
Bobbitt would understand; but Mr Bobbitt had his penis sewn back on,
whereas a penis lost to a black hole is a penis lost forever.
8. Penis vaporisation:
If the penis is not lost to a black hole, it will be lost to the
uncaring force of friction. A penis traveling in and out of a vagina
at close to the speed of light will be subjected to enormous
resistive forces. Since resistive forces are proportional to speed,
this will heat up the penis enormously. The temperature of the
resulting internal environment will be so high that the penis
molecules will actually undergo a phase transition into a gas,
vaporising the penis almost instantaneously.
7. Relativistic flaming semen:
In the unlikely event that a vaporised penis can perform ejaculation,
then the relativistic semen will create enormous air resistance,
burst into flames almost instantaneously, and generate enormous
impact forces. These forces will be sufficient to pierce a small hole
straight through a woman's lower torso, just like a speeding bullet,
only incinerating the surrounding tissue as it passes through.
6. Time-dilated necrophilia:
Unfortunately, the woman will probably be dead before ejaculation
anyway. According to the relativistic theory of time dilation, then
if the man is to actually thrust in and out at a speed
infinitesimally close to the speed of light, then from his point of
view, his partner will be ageing extremely quickly, and will be long
dead before he ejaculates. Legally, he will be committing
necrophilia.
5. Lack of visual appeal:
Time-dilated necrophilia, flaming relativistic ejaculation and penile
black hole formation are all very dramatic, but unfortunately they
don't translate well onto the big screen. In reality, relativistic
sex would only last for a fraction of a second, and would appear as a
sort of muddy grayish white smudge, since the eye merges all images
together at such high speeds. This is probably not visually appealing
enough to make a porn-at-the-speed-of-light series out of.
4. Religious values:
Certain branches of Christianity would view porn-at-the-speed-of-
light immoral anyway. It's in the Bible.
3. Property damage:
A penis is made up of a collection of charged molecules, and
accelerating charged molecules emit radiation. To accelerate charged
penis molecules up to the speed of light in a single thrust requires
enormous acceleration. This will produce a frequency and intensity of
radiation similar to that produced by a small nuclear explosion. It
may be worth hiring out a hotel room if you don't want your own room
obliterated.
2. Deafening sonic booms:
As a penis accelerates up to the speed of light, it will inevitably
surpass the sound barrier, producing deafening sonic booms with every
inward and outward thrust. If the neighbours haven’t already been
woken by your moaning, they will be now. Or then again maybe not,
because they will be conveniently deafened and unable to hear you.
1. Excessive dietary requirements:
The amount of energy required to accelerate an average person up to
99% the speed of light for a single inward thrust is approximately
equal to 16 million billion kilojoules. This is equivalent to the
amount of energy gained by consuming 78 trillion weetbix. But 78
trillion weetbix will increase an average person’s mass by
approximately 1.2 trillion kilograms, requiring them to eat even more
weetbix just to accelerate this additional load up to the speed of
light. Nine out of ten nutritionists may recommend weetbix, but this
is slightly more than the recommended daily intake.
Got a problem, or even just a question?
Pour it all out to John.
Since the end of the twentieth century, Dr John Marshall, Ph.D.
Sexual Physics has been a sex and relationships writer taking the
little-known sexual wisdom from the ivory tower realm of the
theoretical physicist to the layperson.
Feel free to write to him at or you can visit his
webpage at www.sexualphysics.com.
© John Marshall, 2003
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