| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"stoney" |
| Date: |
06 Jun 2004 09:33:37 AM |
| Object: |
OT: Humour from elsewhere |
Re: Men and women
How to shower like a woman:
1. Take off clothing, and place neatly in a sectioned laundry hamper,
according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do
more sit ups.
4. Get in the shower; use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 47 added
vitamins and minerals.
6. Wash your hair a second time, to make sure it is clean.
7. Rince your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
avacado oils; leave on hair for exactly 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face once more, but with crushed apricot facial scrub,
until your cheeks are red and tingling.
9. Wash the rest of your body once again, only this time use the ginger
nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner out of your hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces, and spray with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower, dry off with towel the size of a small country.
Use a super absorbent twisty hair towel for hair.
15. Check entire body closely for zits; tweeze any unruly out of place
hairs.
16. Return to bedroom fully wrapped in bathrobe, with towel still on
hair.
17. If husband spotted on the way, cover any possibly exposed areas.
And now......to shower like a man....
1. Take off clothing while sitting on the side of the bed and drop them
in a pile, or toss them basketball style in the general direction of a
hamper; or any old corner.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom; take your time. If you see wife along the
way, shake your wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound.
3. Look in the mirror, admire your beard, admire your wiener and scratch
your *****.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh out loud at how they
sound in the shower.
9. Spend the majority of the time washing privates and surrounding
areas.
10. Make sure to leave some curlies on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair; if there's no shampoo, use soap.
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse body and hair, and get out of the shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice pool of water on the floor because
the curtain was hanging out of the tub for the entire shower.
16. Admire weiner size again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on the floor, fan and lights on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, snap
the towel off, shake your weiner at her and, again, make the woo-woo
sound.
19. Throw the wet towel on the bed.
******
Re: Men and women
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."
God created man before creating woman, because you should always start
with a rough draft when creating a masterpiece.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
****
<grin> and to retort:
Adam is lonely and asks god to make him a companion. "Sure" god replies
- "I can make you a perfect companion. one who will be considerate, open
minded, share all your interests, respect you, never nag you, and
basically think you are the greatest thing in the world." "Wow" Adam
replies "how much will *that* cost?" god answers: "an arm and a leg"
Adam thinks for a minute and then replies "Hmmm, what can I get for a
rib?"
****
Another old classic?
I dunno, but it's definitely another example of patriarchal hegemony:
(not to mention just plain nasty!)
True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
***
Jlyn;
I sent this to my son, here is his (typical) response
WOMEN
Women have strengths that amaze men.
But the ability to fall into a toilet because the seat wasn't down is
also amazing, but not really a strength.
They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry
burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
But they can't carry their own bags out to the car after shopping at
Meryvn's, because they bought too much stuff.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing
when they want to cry. They cry when they are
happy, and laugh when they are nervous.
So...help me out here...how is being insane a strength?
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from
a friend, after a snowy drive home.
Well they're also watching TV, so the waiting isn't really that much of
an accomplishment.
They are child care workers,
Yeah,
executives,
Okay,
attorneys,
big deal,
stay-at-home moms,
...and thus we see the ONE thing in the career list that man
can't also do.
biker babes,
Okay, TWO things.
and your neighbors.
How is THAT an accomplishment? All you have to do is not
get kicked out of the appartment building.
They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
Depends on the magazine I guess.
They fight for what they believe in.
Especially about discounts.
They stand up against injustice.
Then why do they still blame men for the toilet seat thing?
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
Bet ya SOME of 'em don't.
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
Tell that to Leona Helmsly, and Tammy Faye Baker.
They are smart-they know that knowledge is power. But they still know
how to use their softer side to make a point.
...and they still haven't come up with a valid reason
for why the toilet seat is the man's fault.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and
themselves.
Everyone else can bugger off.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
Yeah...and they eat food, drink water, sleep, and do a
bunch of other unremarkable stuff.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member,
see the above comment.
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
Okay.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Oh yeah, well guys can refrain from ruining a
romantic evening, so it evens out.
Women come in all sizes,
Just like the drinks at 7-11
in all colors and shapes.
I'm still looking for one of those plaid, octagonal
woman
They live in houses, apartments and cabins.
...oh and trailers, can't forget trailers.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care
about you.
Whoa, wait a minute, how the hell did "e-mail" get in
THAT list?
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin.
No...that's gravity or centrifugal force or something.
Women do more than just give birth.
Yes...they also complain about giving birth.
They bring joy and hope.
But they don't bring you a beer anymore, because that'd
be sexism or something.
They give compassion and ideals.
But they don't give a damn how the game is going, you
can get your still own beer.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Again, complete strangers can fend for themselves.
And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the
same for people you come in contact with.
Smile, fine. Hug, fine. Do the same thing for people I
come in contact with...'fraid not. How about a hallmark
card? I could do that.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders...
...that and coming up with smart-***** responses to
things like this.
******
A Fairy told a married couple:
"For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give
you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the
wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared in
her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only
occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to
have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.
The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!...
Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
Men might be bastards ...
but Fairies are Female!
Stoney
"Designated Rascal and Rapscallion
and
SCAMPERMEISTER!"
When in doubt, SCAMPER about!
When things are fair, SCAMPER everywhere!
When things are rough, can't SCAMPER enough!
/end humour alert
alt.atheism military veteran #11
{so much for the 'no atheists in foxholes' rubbish}
.
|
|
| User: "Clayton of Sunnybrook Farm" |
|
| Title: Re: Humour from elsewhere |
06 Jun 2004 09:16:33 PM |
|
|
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:fk96c017knaq3a94q2vt1uriblpee320te@4ax.com...
And now......to shower like a man....
1. Take off clothing while sitting on the side of the bed and drop them
in a pile, or toss them basketball style in the general direction of a
hamper; or any old corner.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom; take your time. If you see wife along the
way, shake your wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound.
3. Look in the mirror, admire your beard, admire your wiener and scratch
your *****.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh out loud at how they
sound in the shower.
9. Spend the majority of the time washing privates and surrounding
areas.
10. Make sure to leave some curlies on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair; if there's no shampoo, use soap.
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Pee.
Put that between 4 and 5 (as in the moment the warm water hits your body)
and that's all pretty much perfectly accurate!
14. Rinse body and hair, and get out of the shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice pool of water on the floor because
the curtain was hanging out of the tub for the entire shower.
16. Admire weiner size again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on the floor, fan and lights on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, snap
the towel off, shake your weiner at her and, again, make the woo-woo
sound.
19. Throw the wet towel on the bed.
.
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