| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"stoney stoney@ the.net" |
| Date: |
12 Sep 2004 12:37:23 PM |
| Object: |
OT: More Humour from elsewhere |
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him
up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the
cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the
client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does!"
**
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
"She's out of control!" the first doctor says. "She does everything
backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of
morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours,
he almost died!"
That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her
to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas
in one hour!"'
All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the
hallway.
"OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to ***** Mr. Smiths
boil!"
**
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a
dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A
few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten
old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and
she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she
had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I
guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four
guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good,
but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at
once and she split right up the middle."
**
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up
and said, "I bet it's some flowers!""That's right!" shouted the little
boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box
of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was
from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that
it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
**
Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the
gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a
massive erection.The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the
cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and
mates with him for six hours nonstop.When he's done, the gorilla throws
the man back out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next
day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?", he crys, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't
written ..."
**
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the
pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows
it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid ***** do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says
the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me
nuts" says the patron.The guy finishes his drink and leaves.Two weeks
later he comes back with the monkey.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar
again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some
peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his *****, then pulls it
out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted."Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks.
"What now?" responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a peanut up his *****, then pulled it out and ate it" says
the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that
damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"
**
A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her
bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter
playing with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get
married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.The next day the
father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the
room found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?!" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and
ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to
a husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the
Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the
vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a
beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
**
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no
ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions,
undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he
looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
**
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a
super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane
announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to
make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position
immediately!"
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia
pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing
your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"
Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for,
and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why
I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of
flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your
senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are
about to die!"
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the
rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts-
which is why I am exposing my tits!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to
expose her "love triangle."
Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are
you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??"
Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact the first
thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"
**
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first
lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before
starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is
that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's *****,
pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the
same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of
minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation:
How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's
*****, but I licked my index finger?"
After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the
vomit.
**
In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient
acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are
you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the
nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car
and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some
rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The
nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room,
and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With
surprise she asks, "Fred what the hell are you doing!?"
Fred smiles and replies, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"
**
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my
boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes
off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my
boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off
his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she
takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
**
Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd
hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with
one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let
it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a vet..."
**
A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller,
"Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what
size to buy."
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares
to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over
to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the
first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it
out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to
suck his penis and give him a *****. Then, finally, he pulls it out
and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it
around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants
and scurries back inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate
size?"
"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"
**
2 boys were sittin around one day and a little girl walks by and says
"You are both penis'."
The one boy looks at the other and says "whats a penis?" The other boy
replies " I don't know, I'll ask my dad".
So later that night he asks his dad "whats a penis?"
So his dad drops his pants and says "son, this is a penis and its
perfect."
So the next day at school the boy says "so, did you find out?"
And the boy says "yep." So he drops his pants and says "this is a penis,
and if it was 2 inches shorter, it would be perfect."
**
Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my ***** is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with
girls.
- You know, my son, I didn't care too much about that detail, but that
should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.
.
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| Unknown persons comment from elsewhere
just posted this elsewhere, Yang
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