There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little
girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "what do you have under the
newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl
walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the
hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The
guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl
asked me a question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know is
I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and
asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the
girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit
on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on
fire!"
*
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . "
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
--
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never
stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and
neither do we.
-George Bush 2004/08/20040805
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