http://www.submarinesailor.com/stories/WaterSkiBubblehead.htm

Bad Day for Waterskiing !

by Mike Nardelli MM1(SS), USS Grayling, SSN-646

Caution: Story is a wee bit salty...

This event in my life occurred after I had left the Grayling SSN 646 and
gone to shore duty, FMAG Charleston.

I had just learned how to water ski a few days before behind a boat
driver that admittedly said he hadn't towed skiers in a quite few years
and may have forgotten some things about towing, like how fast you're
supposed to go...or not go. Thank God his boat would only do about 45
knots.

Yea, you know where this is going. There were 5 of us this day taking
turns water skiing around Charleston South Carolina. Earl, "The Ol'
Man", (because he was older than us and it was his boat) was driving the
boat, our friend Rick, his girlfriend Bonnie and my girlfriend Billie (I
guess her folks didn't know how to identify she was a female.) and of
course, me.

As I said, we were taking turns skiing up and down the Cooper River,
around the Charleston Battery and up the Ashley River to the vicinity of
the Charleston Yacht Club and back down the Ashley and up the Cooper
again. Each of us taking a turn at the circuit.

If anyone has ever been in the fresh and brackish waters north of
Charleston, SC you know they are loaded with Water Moccasins -
especially when you get up by the Weapons Station. The water on the
river was as smooth as a mill pond. I was on the skis and I had been
towed upstream of the sub-tender that had one 'Boomer' nursing alongside
and we continued on up past the Weapons Station property.

Just before the river narrows, Earl turned us around and we were heading
down stream. After a couple of days of skiing, I was feeling pretty
confident and had been doing come "cut outs" (lean hard on one foot and
you'll cut out way off to the side of the tow boat and throw a huge
rooster tail spray of water.) and doing some jumping over the boats
wake. We were nearing the tender and a few guys were topside watching
us.

I was showing off jumping the boat wake and doing some nice cut outs and
throwing some really big rooster tails at about 50 miles per hour when I
took a spill. At 50 mph that ***** water is hard, real hard. When you
hit it you bounce like skipping a rock. Well during one of the jumps,
one ski came off. I lost my balance and fell down backwards, landed on
my ***** and bounced back up. As soon as my foot minus the ski hit the
water I went forward and was about to hit the water with my face. Out of
self preservation like they teach in high school football, I tucked in
like a ball and bounced again.

Now, spinning totally out of control, the next time I came down I had
legs and arms flying in all different directions and I landed on my *****
as spread eagle as a hooker on a hard on. I was wearing nothing but
cutoff denim shorts that at the moment I didn't realize the first
backward impact with the water at 50 mph had shredded to pieces. All
knew was when I finally came to a stop, I was treading water in snake
infested waters, I've got cramps in my intestines so bad I felt like I
washaving a baby. I figured I must have hurt myself on one of those
bounces.

Earl was swinging the boat around as fast as he could. He retrieved the
missing ski and brought it and the boat along side me threw me the ski
and then kept going so as the rope was right next to me, there was about
20 yards of it. When it came along, I grabbed the tow rope handle. Earl
was watching me, Rick and Bonnie and my girlfriend are looking at me. NO
ONE IS LOOKING WHERE THE ***** HE'S GOING... BUT ME!!! He headed right
for the sub and were only about 100 yards off of it. All anyone is
worried about is getting me up on my skis and away from those snakes. So
as soon as he saw I had grabbed the tow handle and had my ski tips up
indicating I was ready to go, Earl slammed down the throttle. Oh yea, we
also were using Nylon Rope.

Let me digress here for a minute if you've never water skied before.
You're supposed to use any rope but nylon. Nylon stretches. Actually it
stretches like a son-of-a *****. Then it suddenly retracts. Exactly like
a rubber band. Well, that's what happened. Earl slammed the throttle
down and the boat took off. I'm just floating there with my skis
pointing at the sky out in front of me and the rope is getting tighter
and tighter and tighter. I'm starting to move a little bit, trying to
keep the ski tip up and in front of me and suddenly I'm slingshot up out
of the water and headed right at the sub. As soon as Earl saw I was up,
he took a look and saw that he was headed for the sub and slammed the
helm over hard left. He missed the sub with about 10 yards to spare and
like a model airplane on the end of a string here I come on the end of a
20 yard rope.

My shorts are completely shredded off me except for the waist band and
flapping behind me like a faded blue flag. I don't wear skivvies so I'm
naked as a jay bird, my balls are a flapping in the wind and I realize
that the cramps I was feeling was from the 40 gallons of river water
that got packed up my ***** from that 50 mile and hour enema I got on the
last spread eagle bounce I took.

So now I'm up on my skis trying to do a cutout to the left so I don't
hit the sub. I got ***** spraying out of my ***** like an out of control
fire hose making me look like I'm being pushed by a ***** rocket. Not to
mention I was told there was a lot of screaming going on from me.

Well needless to say I was completely out of control as I came skimming
by and barely missing that sub and spraying ***** all over them poor boys
topside. Needless to say, they were not too happy with me shitting all
over them and their boat. I managed to get away without hitting the Sub
and I'm skiing along.

Earl, Rick, Bonnie and Billie are still laughing their asses off,
drinking beer, watching me ski along butt naked except for the shredded
jeans flapping behind me. Earl won't stop the boat since first that
would stop their fun watching me, also, they would then have to share
the beer with me but mostly we're still in the snake infested waters of
the Cooper River.

Thank God the water was calm and not tiring my legs out. Soon enough we
get down by the Main Navy Base, first we pass the Ship Yard then the Sub
and Destroyer piers. Of course the telephone is quicker than Earl's boat
and the word got down to the Main Base about a naked sailor skiing down
the Cooper. This was as good a reason as any to form welcoming party's
of Waves and Sailors on the end of each and every pier to take pictures
and cheer me on as we went down river. Of course Earl has to drive as
close to the piers as possible so everyone can get a real good look.

Once past the Piers and down past base housing we went under the Cooper
River Bridge. Once you're under the bridge the water is Salty and you
are entering Charlestown Harbor. The water is usually choppy but even
more so on an incoming tide where the Ashley River and the Cooper Rivers
are trying to flow out which was the case today. Earl slowed the boat
some as they were getting bounce around pretty good but still going fast
enough so I could keep skiing. I was yelling at Earl to stop and let me
in the boat but he wouldn't and I couldn't figure out why. There weren't
any snakes down this far, the water is too salty.

Well as we rounded the mouth of the river I realized he was going to
take me skiing naked as a Jay Bird right past Battery Park with all the
people enjoying the water front on a warm sunny Sunday. Many of them
watching the commercial shipping, and the porpoises, and the sea birds
all with binoculars.

Well here I come in all my glory, bouncing along directly behind the
boat. The salt spray in my face, trying to ignore the occasional hooting
and screaming I can hear over the sound of the boat, sea breeze, waves
etc when suddenly, my crotch is burning like a pain I've never felt
before. I look down and some how a jellyfish has jumped up and got me by
my privates. (Later from the stings I figured out that it had been
scooped up by my skis, and the wind carried it up my legs with nothing
to stop its upward journey until it got to my crotch. Now there's a
quick thinking Bubblehead. The question of the day. What do you use to
stop a jellyfish that's sliding up your legs..... your crotch!!!

Well, holding the tow rope with my left hand, I quickly (needless to
say) reached down with my right hand and grabbed hold of this creature
that is creating such pain that I have ever experienced and try to rip
it off and throw it out to the side. For all my trouble, I wind up with
a hand of goo, more crotch pain and now a burning hand. I kept trying
over and over repeatedly but all I could get was goo and pain, goo and
pain, goo and pain.

I was later told that I could be heard screaming half way to Norfolk.
The spectators definitely heard me on the Battery. The screaming and
cussin' at this jelly fish was attracting more attention to myself and
what looked to them to be a water skiing naked maniac making lewd
gestures, grabbing his crotch and throwing his hand in the air at the
crowd. Well, Earl and the rest on the boat figured out what was going on
and I felt him speed up as much as he could, towing me along like a
naked, screaming, arm waving siren behind the boat.

We went up the Ashley River as the water smoothed out he went faster and
faster and headed for the yacht club. There is a triple break wall
guarding the entrance to the Yacht Club. Just before the Yacht Club,
Earl quickly cut the motor and my momentum let me ski right up along
side the boat and they all grabbed me and hauled me in. Earl then
drives into the Yacht Club, quickly and skillfully maneuvers up to the
dock while Rick jumps off and runs up to the club house.

All the while, Bonnie and Billie using an old oily deck rag that Earl
had are trying to clean the Jelly Fish off of my privates while trying
to sit on me to hold me still as I'm still in quite a bit of pain.
Suddenly this girl all dressed in white, looks like a nurse, runs up
with a bottle of liquid and says she can help stop any infection and
proceeds to pour it directly on my privates.

Well believe it or not, there is a time delay in our nervous systems.
While she poured the liquid, it actually felt nice and cool... for about
3 nano seconds, right before it felt like SHE HAD SET MY BALLS ON
FIRE!!!!.

All in one motion, screaming loudly, I flew right up off the deck of
that boat and over the side and frantically began the impossible task of
trying to tread water, drown myself and scrub my balls. I remember
yelling at her with numerous sailor expletives asking her who she was
and what she had used on me. She said she was a cook in the Yacht Club
and used rubbing alcohol.

They managed to get her off the dock before I could get to her. While
this was going on, the ambulance that someone had called arrived to
treat me as well as the Charleston City Police. It seems they wanted to
ask me some questions about somebody doing some naked water skiing
around the Battery while making Lewd gestures at the elderly
ultra-conservative citizens of that fine town.

Mike Nardelli MM1(SS)

http://www.submarinesailor.com/stories/WaterSkiBubblehead.htm

Bad Day for Waterskiing !

by Mike Nardelli MM1(SS), USS Grayling, SSN-646