I doubt these are authentic Jack Handy, though I don't really know. But
they're cute just the same, and not mine either way. :-)



Deep Thoughts..... For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously

1. Save the whales -- Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like -- Night.

3. On the other hand -- you have different fingers.

4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm -- but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria -- They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, now raise my hand.

15. So what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future -- Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what just
happened.

25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.