| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Andres64" |
| Date: |
12 Oct 2005 10:43:26 AM |
| Object: |
OT: Do drugs, go to hell... |
Report: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges
October 12, 2005 | Issue 41=B741
HELL-A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties Union
indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell were
condemned on drug-related sins.
"Hell was created to keep dangerous sinners off the gold-paved streets
of Heaven," ACLU spokesman Barry Horowitz said. "But lately, it's
become a clearing-house for the non-evil souls that Heaven doesn't know
how to deal with."
The disproportionate number of drug offenders in Hell is a result of
God's "get tough" drug policy of the 80s A.D., imposed after Roman
emperor Domitian Flavius introduced opium to his people. God's
detractors say His reactionary "one sin and you're out" rule places too
harsh a penalty on venial drug users.
According to God's law, souls who possess four ounces of illegal drugs
at any point during their mortal lives face a mandatory minimum
sentence of eternity.
High-ranking seraphim in the Eternal Justice Department defended God's
law.
"It's all about accountability," the angel Nathanael said. "The rule of
the Lord affords the complementary blessings of freedom and
responsibility, and provides the governing framework under which man is
punished or rewarded according to his deeds. The rules are very simple:
You do the crime, you do the time. Eternity, in this case."
The ACLU report included profiles of hundreds of offenders condemned to
eternal perdition under God's law. Among them is Pvt. Robert "Bobby
Joe" Hetfield, a World War I fighter and amputee who became addicted to
morphine during his last 72 hours of life on a French battlefield in
1918. As punishment, Hetfield has spent more than a century cleaning
Beelzebub's dope house every morning by consuming the urine, excrement,
and vomit left by Satan and his revelers.
Another offender listed in the ACLU report is Huachuri, an Incan
peasant who used a coca-leaf-based marital aid in 1311. As punishment,
he is sodomized continually by a winged, razor-penised goat.
Defenders of God's law argue that eternal punishments like these are
the only way to deter other drug users, and preserve order in God's
kingdom.
"This is not about revolving-door justice," St. Peter said. "While the
word of God will keep some on the straight and narrow, Heavenly studies
show that eternal damnation is the only deterrent that really works."
Horowitz said that while drug offenders are literally rotting away in
Hell, serial killers and other dangerous sinners are receiving "mere
Purgatorial sentences, thanks to the asking-for-forgiveness loophole."
Purgatory is a minimum-security state of limbo that affords its
occupants the opportunity to repent their sins and eventually gain
admittance to Heaven on good behavior.
"Drug offenders, many of whom have committed no prior mortal sin, rack
up infinite consecutive life sentences," Horowitz said. "Meanwhile,
rapists say they're sorry, recite a few Hail Marys, and wind up basking
in God's divine radiance within 10 years."
Among those who oppose God's laws are the stewards of Hell, who argue
that his harsh anti-drug penalties have taxed the capacities of the
underworld.
"I have one ravenous and overworked hellhound assigned to terrorize 12
methamphetamine users," the demon Abracax said. "After 14 hours in the
dog's digestive tract, they are excreted and revived, at which point, I
give them another shot of methamphetamine. The dog's exhausted-he was
originally intended to be responsible for two users at most."
According to Horowitz, even leaving aside questions of civil liberties
in the afterlife, God's drug laws are problematic.
"These laws, simply put, don't work," Horowitz said. "What the Heavenly
hosts need to consider is some sort of angelic early-intervention
program at the pre-death level, or at the very least, some form of
afterlife rehab."
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41447
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| User: "Harry F. Leopold" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Do drugs, go to hell... |
12 Oct 2005 11:44:10 AM |
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On Wed, 12 Oct 2005 10:43:26 -0500, Andres64 wrote
(in article <1129131806.257278.15610@g47g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>):
Report: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges
October 12, 2005 | Issue 41·41
HELL-A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties Union
indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell were
condemned on drug-related sins.
Laughed my ***** off, then forwarded it several (of the other) ACLU folks I
know and have worked with. Thanks for posting it.
--
Harry F. Leopold
aa #2076
AA/Vet #4
The Prints of Darkness
(remove gene to email)
³That's their whole point. They put a Groucho Marx mask on their god and call
him an 'intelligent designer.' No one is supposed to notice.³- johac
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| User: "Tapio Erola" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Do drugs, go to hell... |
12 Oct 2005 12:25:33 PM |
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ROFLMAO!
Nearly as good as the story about 9/11 hijackers finding themselves
in islamic hell.
The Crew of The Onion really knows their job.
--
Tapio Erola
"I don't believe in no win scenarios."
--Capt. James T. Kirk
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| User: "Uncle Vic" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Do drugs, go to hell... |
12 Oct 2005 11:31:31 AM |
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on 12 Oct 2005 in alt.atheism, dear sweet Andres64 (andresc64@excite.com)
made the light shine upon us with this:
eport: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges
October 12, 2005 | Issue 41·41
HELL-A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties Union
indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell were
condemned on drug-related sins.
Funny, Carlos Trevino, the "Ex-atheist" poster here, told us that when you
die, you're dead until you're resurrected during Armageddon. That would
mean there are no souls in hell. Yet...
--
Uncle Vic
aa#2011
Supervisor, EAC Department of little adhesive-backed "L" shaped
chrome-plastic doo-dads to add feet to Jesus fish department
http://home.comcast.net/~vickman/
Plonked by Raytard
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| User: "Mike Painter" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Do drugs, go to hell... |
12 Oct 2005 12:24:30 PM |
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Uncle Vic wrote:
on 12 Oct 2005 in alt.atheism, dear sweet Andres64
(andresc64@excite.com) made the light shine upon us with this:
eport: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges
October 12, 2005 | Issue 41·41
HELL-A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties Union
indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell were
condemned on drug-related sins.
Funny, Carlos Trevino, the "Ex-atheist" poster here, told us that
when you die, you're dead until you're resurrected during Armageddon.
That would mean there are no souls in hell. Yet...
And a Jehovah Witness will tell you there is no hell. A few of the really
good go to heaven (always including the teller of the tale), the rest of the
good live on a peaceful earth and the bad cease to exist.
Much more reasonable for a "loving" god.
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| User: "Uncle Vic" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Do drugs, go to hell... |
12 Oct 2005 02:07:35 PM |
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on 12 Oct 2005 in alt.atheism, dear sweet Mike Painter
(mddotpainter@sbcglobal.net) made the light shine upon us with this:
Uncle Vic wrote:
on 12 Oct 2005 in alt.atheism, dear sweet Andres64
(andresc64@excite.com) made the light shine upon us with this:
eport: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges
October 12, 2005 | Issue 41·41
HELL-A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties
Union indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell
were condemned on drug-related sins.
Funny, Carlos Trevino, the "Ex-atheist" poster here, told us that
when you die, you're dead until you're resurrected during
Armageddon. That would mean there are no souls in hell. Yet...
And a Jehovah Witness will tell you there is no hell. A few of the
really good go to heaven (always including the teller of the tale),
the rest of the good live on a peaceful earth and the bad cease to
exist.
Much more reasonable for a "loving" god.
Which, of course, contradicts all the other stories, which contradict each
other.
--
Uncle Vic
aa#2011
Supervisor, EAC Department of little adhesive-backed "L" shaped
chrome-plastic doo-dads to add feet to Jesus fish department
http://home.comcast.net/~vickman/
Plonked by Raytard
.
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