Religions > Atheism > OT: "Gerbex's(TM) Red Heaven - Products You'll be Glad You Never Knew You Didn't Need"
| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Uncle Buck" |
| Date: |
19 Dec 2005 11:26:52 PM |
| Object: |
OT: "Gerbex's(TM) Red Heaven - Products You'll be Glad You Never Knew You Didn't Need" |
I woke up thinking about this, had to write it down before I forgot it all.
Later! :-)
"Gerbex's(TM) Red Heaven - Products You'll be Glad You Never Knew You Didn't
Need"
"Vita-Shur Canned Beverage" - Finally, a meal-replacement drink with
_you_, the health-conscious redneck, in mind! Vita-Shur comes complete with
everything you need to provide adequate nutrition for your growing hillbillies -
beer, nicotine and sugar. Deep fried Oreos(TM) and Twinkies(TM) infused with
real, fully-alcoholic beer and at least twice the nicotine of your average
cigarette are also available as meal replacement or snack options.
"Add-A-Point" - Did _your_ season not go as well as you hoped it would?
Could you count all the points on your deer's head on less than two hands <pause
while shopper counts how many hands is "two">? Well we've got the system for
you - "Add-A-Point"! Yes, folks, it's "Add-A-Point". With our patented
manufacturing process, we'll send you a very realistic assortment of synthetic
antler points of many shapes and sizes with a secret invisible adhesive (If
someone tells you it's just SuperGlue(TM), they're lying!). Just buy however
many you'll need, lop off your deer's head and have fun bringing _your_ fantasy
to life! Your friend need never know because for one thing, we'll never tell,
and for another, they're probably as stupid as you are and won't be able to
understand a word of this advertisement. :-)
"Gap-Be-Gone" - When your girlfriend smiles at you, can you see all the
way to her tonsils - even though she hasn't opened her mouth? Does looking at
that little dangly thing at the back of her throat grind on your nerves
sometimes? Would she be able to go down on you with her jaw wired shut^1?
Well, it may come in handy in the privacy of your own home, but for those
occasions when you wish it was just a _little_ less noticeable, we here at
Gerbex(TM) present to you "Gap-Be-Gone", the latest in a line of "Be-Gone"
products we offer. It starts out in the form of two clays. You take some of
each clay and mix them together, then quickly use it to plug up the chasm
otherwise known as your girlfriend's mouth. Smooth over quickly with a butter
knife. They'll harden almost instantly and semi-permanently (It would be
permanent if the surrounding tissue wouldn't necrotize after a few months). The
preferred method is to us a small trowel to smooth it out, but your fingers can
work. Just be sure to wash them first, as "Gap-Be-Gone" doesn't harden as well
when it gets too greasy.
^1 (NOTE - In cases where your girlfriend _can_ go down on you with her
jaw wired shut, and it's not because of any "gaps" in her teeth (think "tooth
floss" if you catch our drift), we offer another solution - see "Boner Buddy".)
"Yank-Be-Gone" - Tired of northerners barging rudely into your state and
demanding to be treated just like they were back home? "Yank-Be-Gone" may be a
fix to this problem. Simply plug in the unit, hit "Play" and your unwanted yank
will be treated to a non-stop, forever-repeating rendition of "Rocky Top".
They'll be gone within just a few bars - that's our guarantee to you!
(Disclaimer: For reasons we don't care to explain, this guarantee is no good in
Knoxville, TN or any of the surrounding 100 miles).
"Roof-Be-Back" - Part of a concept idea for a potentially new line of
items called "Be-Back", "Roof-Be-Back" is designed specifically with the modern
trailer park in mind. Next time that tornado comes through and tears the roof
off your castle, simply get an official "Roof-Be-Back" by Gerbex(GM)! Spread a
"Roof-Be-Back" kit across your new unwanted skylight and bask in privacy once
more. Our synthetic process makes it look and feel just like real tarp - your
friends won't be able to tell the difference. Heck, even _we_ couldn't tell the
difference!
For those occasions when it's taken the walls and the furniture, too, we
offer specially-designed walls and also furniture crafted to look just like milk
crates. These walls are the sturdiest money can buy, and just a little duct
tape can keep them held together for days and days and days. We guarantee it!
(Note: Do not expose product to rain - it will get soggy and collapse on you).
"Trophy Paper" - Do the rolling eyes and expressions of doubt irritate
you when you're trying to tell your friends about "the one that got away"? Well
we here at Gerbex(TM) have _just_ the thing for you - "Trophy Paper"!!! Our
trademark Trophy Paper is coated with an adhesive of super-secret origin <cue
horse neigh> which, when placed under your bug-zapper, will catch _all_ the
little buggers as they fall to your vicious, manly gadget!!! Don't wait, order
yours today!!!!!! I mean, really now!!!!!!!! If all these exclamation!!!
points!!!! don't convince you, then surely NOTHING (NOTHING!!!!)
will!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Gut-Be-Gone" - One in a line of "Be-Gone" products, small animal
gut-remover by Gerbex(TM) is specially formulated for use in microwaves.
(NOTE: Redneck interpreters/"langwidge persons" available 24 hours, 7 days a
week (in other words, "always"). Just find a phone and punch them thar' buttons
with numbers with our number (given on the order form) and someone will be raddy
to hep yew in a spiffy jiffy. If that don't rouse us, hang up, pick up again,
hit the button on the bottom with the number "0" on it, tell the sweet thang
that answers (unless it's a feller, of course, then unless yer wierd it ain't no
"sweet thang") what yer needin' and she shud be able ta hep yew)
--
L8r,
Uncle Buck
aa#88
BAAWA Knight
"The gap betwixt civility and barbarism is the width of a tooth."
.
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