Just some questions that might be worth reflecting upon for some of
us. Have you ever...:
- ...told someone you loved them when you knew you didn't mean it (At
least - not in the way you knew they would interpret it)?
- ...promised to be there for someone and then backed out when they
really needed you?
- ...helped someone through a hard time only to later wish you hadn't?
- ...resented someone who looked up to you?
- ...seriously tried to kill yourself?
- ...seriously tried to kill anyone else?
- ...kicked someone while they were down?
- ...pulled the rug out from beneath someone else's heart?
- ...left someone at the altar, either literally or figuratively?
- ...reneged on a debt you truly wanted to repay and still wish you
could to this very day?
- ...felt responsible for someone else's sorrow?
- ...broken a promise you fully intended to keep?
- ...made promises you fully intended to break?
- ...hurt someone else for your own pleasure?
- ...been disappointed that someone hadn't reacted as badly as you
thought they would?
- ...taken a favor from a sincere, well-meaning soul for disingenuous,
selfish reasons?
- ...taken someone's hand only to drop it when they needed your
support the most?
- ...longed to see pain in someone else's eyes?
- ... [...] ...
I have done all of these things at least once in my life. I think
most of us probably have. With so many reasons to hate one's self,
it's a wonder sometimes that there's anything left to love.
I think I'm falling in love with a man I've never even spoken to. It
feels so much like the last time, the first stirrings. He seems like
a sweet soul, something possibly decent and perhaps even sincere. And
I'm afraid. My blackness has caused so much pain for so many people
already, myself not least of all.
Can I risk someone else's heart just because of "maybe"? Even
slightly less importantly, can I risk my own?
He's a sweet guy and incredibly appealing to me. And I think he's
interested. I don't even know his name, but I think he knows mine by
now. I hope to speak to him one of these days, even if nothing comes
of it in a "relationship" sort of way - he strikes me as a really
interesting person to know, even just in a casual, friendly sense.
I almost hope he isn't interested, not only because I would hate for
my darkness to hurt anyone else, but because I don't honestly feel I
deserve anyone like him in my life.
<sigh>
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