| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Jez" |
| Date: |
15 Jul 2004 06:35:23 AM |
| Object: |
OT: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya, Lord? Bush here. |
Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya
Lord? Bush here. I'm confused. Why won't you crush Kerry and smite the
heathens? Hello?
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2004/07/14/notes071404.DTL&nl=fix
Are you there, God? It's me, George W. Come in, Almighty. Do you read me?
It's about 8:00 pm and it's just after my last bubble bath of the day
and here I am again, kneeling here in the Oval Office all by myself in
my most favoritest PJs, the funny ones with the little M-1 tanks and
baseball players all over them. I gots some problems, Lord.
Look, I've done everything you asked. I've been good. Haven't I?
I take the message to the people, don't I? I spout that evangelical
born-again crap in pisswater Podunk conservative churches across this
burned-out fear-drunk nation like I was emceeing a freakin' rodeo in
Crawford. And they eat it up, Lord. They eat that stuff up. Hell, I even
believe a lot of that fire-breathin' Second Comin' evildoer-hatin' stuff
myself.
And looky here! Look how much dough I induce those evangelical suckers
to cough up into the coffers of the GOP (that's God's Own Party -- just
for you, Lord!). Doesn't that cut me a little slack fer when I skip over
the part where Jesus says "Blessed are the peacemakers?"
Or when he says to turn the other cheek? Or love thy enemies? Or when
the Bible says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control"? Or any
of that other pointless pacifist hippie junk?
I mean, forgive me 'cuz I know your boy Jesus was great and all, but did
he have the Carlyle Group breathing down his neck, screaming for more
war profits? Did he have a million neat-o bombs at his instant disposal?
Did he have Rummy scowling down his hawkish nose at him during naptime?
No, he did not.
Look. I behave. I never have sex and I hate that sicko porno gay pagan
naked sexual stuff, and to this day I'm damn proud that those disgustin'
***** thingies are still illegal in Texas.
Heck, I even want to change the freakin' U.S. Constitution to prevent
them icky gays from ever gettin' legally married and thus soiling the
precious institution of uptight heterosexual man-woman Christian
marriage counseling. I want to codify right-wing homophobia, Lord! Don't
that count for somethin'?
Hell, I'm a former raging alcoholic who stopped binge drinking years ago
(I attributed it to you! Remember?) 'cuz I got so drunk I fell into a
fever dream wherein I coulda swore I saw Jesus chattin' with Buddha and
Shiva and Allah and Isis, and they was all sighing and shaking their
heads and agreein' to send me back in the next life as a smelly tree
fungus. And that can't be good.
Remember, Lord, back in the '00 debates when they asked me to name my
favorite philosopher, and I said, "Jesus"? Remember how cheesy and
obnoxious and cop-outy that was, given how Jesus was actually the
Original Liberal and given how everyone knows I haven't read a single
"real" philosopher of any note since they made me stand up in Philosophy
1A back at Yale and read a passage from that pagan homo Plato guy when I
could barely focus due to all the gin? Wasn't that good?
We bombed them nasty Iraqis in Your name, Lord! Afghanis, too! Hell,
I've even gone so far as to tell anyone who'll listen that it was your
very will that we invade those countries, that you were pretty much
speaking to me, through me, when I told General Whatshisname to go ahead
and bomb the living crap outta them evil evildoers and never you mind
the women and babies you just git me some war on terror, beeyatch!
Whoops, sorry.
Oh, I know what them liberals say, that your son Jesus Christ was a
card-carrying pacifist, hated war and hated bloodletting and hated hate.
But damn, your boy certainly didn't know about the price of crude, you
know? I mean, a Christian's gotta do what a Christian's gotta do to fuel
up the SUV and keep the Saudis happy and keep the Lockheed stock from
steppin' in a financial cow pie, am I right, Lord? Can I get a "Hell
yeah"? Whoops, sorry again.
Lord, I just don't understand. I know I'm not much of a businessman, or
a leader, or a public speaker, or a humanitarian, or a foreign-policy
expert, or a lover of nuance, or a deep thinker, or much of anything
positive or life affirming that anyone can name, really. But I'm a
darned nice guy. A "decent man." This is what everyone says. And I
thought we had a deal.
I thought we had an understanding that if I took my narrow hypocritical
bloody misinterpretations of the Good Book's teachings and spread them
all over this planet like Johnny Ashcroft anoints himself in Crisco
every night, I thought if I mocked the separation of church and state at
every turn and brought a twisted version of your Word to the huddled
masses who weren't blessed enough to be in me and my daddy's tax
bracket, you'd sorta, you know, help me out a little.
Like, maybe you'd finally get this ugly Iraq quagmire thing taken care
of for me. Maybe get those scary godless Islamic peoples to see the
born-again light. And maybe in the process guarantee me a first-class
seat on the glory train to salvation? Or at least a friggin' second term?
Hello? Lord? You still there? God's Own Party, remember? We're all about
you, baby. Except for the blood and the tortures and the warmongering
and the homophobia and the misogyny and the raping of Your glorious
planet on a daily basis. Besides that, you rock!
So, again, before I rush off to bed so Laura can read me another page of
"Goodnight Moon," I just gotta ask: What gives, Sir? I pray every night
that you'll smite my enemies and hold back the heathen liberals and
Democrats and also them idiot environmentalists, the ones who want to
protect the forests and clean up the air and save the freakin' whales,
when, hellfire, I ain't seen a whale here in D.C. since Teddy Kennedy
cannonballed in Senator Leahy's pool. Haw! See? I still got my God-given
sense o' humor! People love that hokey Texas crap! Bless me, Jesus!
But nothing seems to be working anymore. S'cuze my French, Lord, but
dammit, why you lettin' that cheap Catholic wanna-be Kerry hone in on
me? Why is that commie Michael Moore's 9/11 movie so damn successful,
despite all of Uncle *****'s promises that the party would shut it down?
Why is my "easy" little war only getting worse, and bloodier, and more
confusing, and why is it giving me rashy itches in my nether parts? Why
are my approval ratings slipping down lower'n a altar boy's pants in a
Catholic rectory?
Don't you approve of my religious zealotry? Of how we slam Islam every
day? Didn't you like it when I let Gen. William Boykin say, when talkin'
about hammering them nasty Iraqis, that "my God is much bigger than
their Allah," and it got splashed all over the Arab media? Two million
Muslims hate me like a cancer, Lord! If that don't get me some bonus
points in your book, I don't know what does.
And yet you're still lettin' scandal after scandal stain my pure, holy
name. Rummy and his rape and torture, Wolfie and his Chalabi, Cheney and
his Halliburton, Ashcroft and his Guantánamo Bay, Powell and his vial of
anthrax, Rove and his very existence. Why, it's a gul-dang rogue's
gallery of beady-eyed mean-***** misprision! Hey! Check it out! I said a
neat word! Misprision! I wish I knew what it meant.
You hafta save me, Lord. You have to pump up my poll ratings, get the
damned liberal media off my back (but not Fox News! Never them), make
the people believe again.
See, they're not falling for the fear crap quite so much anymore. The
bogus Orange Alerts and terror warnings ain't having the same effect.
They're seein' through the dumb-guy schtick. They ain't buying any of
the 1,001 reasons we made up to launch war on Iraq. Seems most 'Murkins
don't really like being internationally loathed, disrespected, mocked,
being made into a sad global joke. Go figger.
Maybe it'll help when we "capture" Osama bin Laden just before election
time, when we finally "discover" him in a remote hilltop cave deep in
Afghanistan -- a.k.a., a secret basement somewhere in Jersey where we've
had him stashed for months for just this occasion. You think that'll
help? Rove says it's a lock. I ain't so sure.
I guess that's it for now, Lord. I'm getting' sleepy from all this hard
thinkin'. Thank you for listening, Lord. I know you're up there, right
now, waving a little American flag and admiring your NRA lifetime
membership plaque and voting Republican and givin' them icky gay people
some nasty STDs and completely ignoring the rest of this big scary
unpronounceable planet. Gul-dang heathens!
You're the best, Lord. Bless me, one more time, OK? I'm gonna need it.
--
Jez
"The condition of alienation, of being asleep, of being unconscious,
of being out of one's mind, is the condition of the normal man. Society
highly values its normal man.It educates children to lose themselves
and to become absurd,and thus to be normal. Normal men have killed
perhaps 100,000,000 of their fellow normal men in the last fifty years."
R.D. Laing
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| User: "MarkA" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya, Lord? Bush here. |
16 Jul 2004 07:22:18 AM |
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On Thu, 15 Jul 2004 12:35:23 +0100, Jez wrote:
Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya
Lord? Bush here. I'm confused. Why won't you crush Kerry and smite the
heathens? Hello?
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2004/07/14/notes071404.DTL&nl=fix
EXCELLENT!!! I hope GW is making alternate career plans for Jan, 2005.
--
MarkA
(still caught in the maze of twisty little passages, all different)
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| User: "Jez" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya, Lord? Bush here. |
17 Jul 2004 06:28:45 AM |
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MarkA wrote:
On Thu, 15 Jul 2004 12:35:23 +0100, Jez wrote:
Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya
Lord? Bush here. I'm confused. Why won't you crush Kerry and smite the
heathens? Hello?
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2004/07/14/notes071404.DTL&nl=fix
EXCELLENT!!! I hope GW is making alternate career plans for Jan, 2005.
Do you think he'll get a pile of coke in and down a few bottles
of J D the night he looses ?
Or will he pray to Jebus ??
Or both ?
--
Jez
"The condition of alienation, of being asleep, of being unconscious,
of being out of one's mind, is the condition of the normal man. Society
highly values its normal man.It educates children to lose themselves
and to become absurd,and thus to be normal. Normal men have killed
perhaps 100,000,000 of their fellow normal men in the last fifty years."
R.D. Laing
.
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| User: "jwk" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya, Lord? Bush here. |
17 Jul 2004 06:53:16 PM |
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Jez <iced_spear@NOSPAMdsl.pipex.com> wrote in message news:<40f90d52$0$6443$cc9e4d1f@news-text.dial.pipex.com>...
MarkA wrote:
On Thu, 15 Jul 2004 12:35:23 +0100, Jez wrote:
Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya
Lord? Bush here. I'm confused. Why won't you crush Kerry and smite the
heathens? Hello?
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2004/07/14/notes071404.DTL&nl=fix
EXCELLENT!!! I hope GW is making alternate career plans for Jan, 2005.
Do you think he'll get a pile of coke in and down a few bottles
of J D the night he looses ?
No. Laura spank.
jwk
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| User: "Eris" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya, Lord? Bush here. |
17 Jul 2004 07:04:29 PM |
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On 17 Jul 2004 16:53:16 -0700, (jwk) wrote:
Jez <iced_spear@NOSPAMdsl.pipex.com> wrote in message news:<40f90d52$0$6443$cc9e4d1f@news-text.dial.pipex.com>...
MarkA wrote:
On Thu, 15 Jul 2004 12:35:23 +0100, Jez wrote:
Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya
Lord? Bush here. I'm confused. Why won't you crush Kerry and smite the
heathens? Hello?
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2004/07/14/notes071404.DTL&nl=fix
EXCELLENT!!! I hope GW is making alternate career plans for Jan, 2005.
Do you think he'll get a pile of coke in and down a few bottles
of J D the night he looses ?
No. Laura spank.
Laura capable of so much more!!!!!
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| User: "stoney" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya, Lord? Bush here. |
18 Jul 2004 02:42:41 PM |
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On Sat, 17 Jul 2004 16:53:16 -0700, jwk wrote:
Jez <iced_spear@NOSPAMdsl.pipex.com> wrote in message news:<40f90d52$0$6443$cc9e4d1f@news-text.dial.pipex.com>...
MarkA wrote:
On Thu, 15 Jul 2004 12:35:23 +0100, Jez wrote:
Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya
Lord? Bush here. I'm confused. Why won't you crush Kerry and smite the
heathens? Hello?
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2004/07/14/notes071404.DTL&nl=fix
EXCELLENT!!! I hope GW is making alternate career plans for Jan, 2005.
Do you think he'll get a pile of coke in and down a few bottles
of J D the night he looses ?
No. Laura spank.
But, he likes that!
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| User: "stoney" |
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| Title: Re: OT: Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya, Lord? Bush here. |
15 Jul 2004 05:14:19 PM |
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On Thu, 15 Jul 2004 12:35:23 +0100, Jez wrote:
Hello, God? It's Me, Dubya
Lord? Bush here. I'm confused. Why won't you crush Kerry and smite the
heathens? Hello?
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2004/07/14/notes071404.DTL&nl=fix
Are you there, God? It's me, George W. Come in, Almighty. Do you read me?
RRRRROOOOOOLIINNNGGGGGGGGG
[]
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