| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"stoney" |
| Date: |
04 Dec 2004 07:09:15 PM |
| Object: |
OT: humor |
King George III's Response to the Declaration of Independence
http://www.laughnet.net/archive/politics/dec_inde.htm
King George III's Responce to The Declaration Of Independence
The Court of King George III London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the
Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications
for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for
further refinement.
The questions which follow might assist you in your process of
revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature
and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the
criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document
with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind."
Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems
to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident" . Could you please
elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be
difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals
of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say
that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy
in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable
newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference,
and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the
next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes
destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or
to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you
weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the
trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive.
Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals,
not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You
state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and
that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown."
Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must
they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the
resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little
foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on.
How cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for
implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the
theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee?
Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal
investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this
since Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have? .Your failure to include any
assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range
prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget,
and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your
"Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your
revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31,
1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Sincerely,
Management Analyst to the British Crown
**
Hitler's Mistakes
http://www.laughnet.net/archive/politics/hitler.htm
Hitler's Mistakes
The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf
Hitler." it was passed around during a lecture in a political science
class of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the
stupid and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty
things about any particular nationality (read, the French.) You'll
have to excuse the fact that some of them are rather obscure, but
that's what happens when you get a bunch of political scientists in
the same room. Without further ado, I give you...
Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler
1. Land War in Asia
2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring
'Hitler'
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln
beard to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun
7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi
image
9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party
slogan
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids
and
stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
14. Free beer in munitions plants
15. Lisp never corrected
16. Bad toupe
17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
20. Chose Italy as ally
21. Land War in Asia
22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked
remarkably like a bullseye from the air
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
26. Never had fireside mass rallies
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
28. Used SS instead of LAPD
29. Admired Napoleon's strategy
30. Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid
him constantly
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a
little country place in Hawaii
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly
with war advice
33. Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" --
widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence.
35. ***** Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When
word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small
town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
37. Breast feeding for too long
38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of
USSR
39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his
own escape.
41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of
Poland
42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous
invasion of Soviet Union
43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache;
undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland,
everyone waited for the punchline)
46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win
Oscar for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech
undermined image.
47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert
in a can"
48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much
embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his
concept of the "Oberdude"
49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying,
"The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are
you, a wimp?"
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at
the last second
53. Failed to encourage tourism
54. Being born
55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign
on his back
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a
veiled threat
59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans
**
--
Contempt of Congress meter reading-offscale.
Hello, theocracy with a fundamentalist US Supreme
Court who will ensure church and state are joined
at the hip like clergy and altar boys.
America 1776-Jan 2001 RIP
.
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