Painting Nude
A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.
"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.
"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.
"No, no thanks!!"
"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."
"Okay," said the artist, "But you have to let me at least
wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."
**
Bumper Stickers
1. Constipated People Don't Give A *****.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. Flying Figs Gather No Moss.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My *****.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
23. If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
26. We come from two different worlds. Mine uses soap and toothpaste.
**
Speeding
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... could I see your drivers license...?"
"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump..
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that.....?" asked the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;
"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER
breathalyzer.."
**
The Juggler
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about
2 miles north of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy
asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered
that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way
to Branson to a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling,
and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that
he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy
that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't
have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had
some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he
could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so
the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to
the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled
in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched
the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad
car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed
him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the
door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ***** on to jail,
there's no way, I can pass that test."
**
Dentist Appointment
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how
much it is for a tooth extraction.
"£85 for an extraction, Sir" was the reply.
"Och, huv yer no got nothin' cheaper?" replies
the Scotsman, getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction,
Sir," said the dentist.
"What about if yer didna use any anaesthetic?"
asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well, it's highly unusual, Sir, but if that's
what you want, I suppose I could do it for £70,"
said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of yer dental
trainees and still without anaesthetic?"
asked the Scotsman.
"Well, it's possible, but they are only training
and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism,
and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that
case we can bring the price down to say £40,"
said the dentist.
"Och, that's still a bit much. How about if yer
make it a trainin' session and have yer student
do the extraction and the other students watchin'
and learnin?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well, O.K., it'll be good for the students,
I suppose. I'd charge you only £5 in that case,"
said the dentist.
"Och, now yer talkin', laddie! It's a deal,"
said the Scotsman. "Can yer confirm an appointment
for the wife for next Tuesday?"
.
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