A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was
addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope
and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is
so nice - even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his
motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant
and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in
the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants
to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams
too.
John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be
growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to
know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS : Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
my report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is
safe for me to come home.
**
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For
$100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and
cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights,
yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another
man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I
lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I
bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he
even pays the monthly dues"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches
a cold"
**
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill
and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go
and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you the beer?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to
her, `You must be Steve's widow.`"
She said, "`No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
**
George Bush and ***** Cheney are watching the 6 o'clock news on TV one
evening. Cheney bets Bush $50 that the man in the lead story, who is
threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.
"I'll take that bet," Bush replied. A few minutes later, the
newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from
the building. Cheney, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an
incident, turns to Bush and tells him that he does not need to pay the
$50.
"No, a bet's a bet," Bush replied, "I owe you $50 dollars."
Cheney, feeling even more guilty, replied, "No, you don't understand,
I saw the 3:00 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay," said Bush, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think
he'd do it again."
**
A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are in the hanger
at Newark, where the runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do.
John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah," says Bill "but I hear that you can drink jet fuel, that it will
give you a real buzz."
So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful
time as only drinkin' buddies can.
Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is
pleasantly surprised that he has no hangover at all.
The phone rings with Bill asking how he feels. "I feel great!" says
John.
"No hangover!" "Me neither," says Bill.
"That jet fuel is great stuff and no hangover," says John. "We ought
to do this more often."
Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you fart yet?"
"No, why?"
"Because I'm in Phoenix."
**
--
Contempt of Congress meter reading-offscale.
Hello, theocracy with a fundamentalist US Supreme
Court who will ensure church and state are joined
at the hip like clergy and altar boys.
America 1776-Jan 2001 RIP
.
|
