| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"stoney" |
| Date: |
19 Sep 2005 05:11:20 PM |
| Object: |
OT: Humour |
New Company Policy Effective June 2005
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour
early.
Washroom Use (very critical)
Entirely too much time is being spent in the washroom. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break (for wellness)
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy.
- Normal-sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
--
Contempt of Congress meter reading-offscale.
Hello, theocracy with a fundamentalist US Supreme
Court who will ensure church and state are joined
at the hip like clergy and altar boys.
America 1776-Jan 2001 RIP
"As democracy is perfected, the office of president
represents, more and more closely, the inner soul
of the people. On some great and glorious day the
plain folks of the land will reach their heart's
desire at last and the White House will be adorned
by a downright moron." --- H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
Religion is the original war crime.
-Michelle Malkin (Feb 26, 2005)
.
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