One day a man walks in the bar and sits next to an attractive woman.
After sitting for a few minutes, the man glances at his watch. The
woman, making small talk, turns to him and asks him, "Is your date
running late?"
He turned to her and replied, "No, I was just looking at my state of the
art watch".
"State of the art watch?", she asked. "And just what makes it so 'state
of the art'?".
He replied, "It tells me the answer to almost any question I ask it.
Right now, it's telling me you're not wearing a bra or panties".
The woman laughed and said, "Well, your watch must be wrong because I am
definitely wearing both."
"Damn!", the man said while tapping on his watch, "This thing's an hour
fast again!".
**
Funny Cop Stories
Good: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t
getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP
AHEAD.” The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.
Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with
another mailed photo of handcuffs.
Best: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle
officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she
said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen’s Ball.” He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and
left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
**
Great Sex Coupon Joke
A guy was talking to his buddy, and he said, “I don’t know what to get
my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can
afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate
that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.
She’ll probably be thrilled!”
So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How’d
it turn out?”
“She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and
ran out the door yelling—I’ll see you in two hours!”
**
Irish Gas Attendant Joke
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new
Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in
typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, “Top o’ the morning
to ya”.
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. “So what
are those thing my, son?” asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees,” replied Tiger.
“And what would ya be usin ‘em for, now?” inquired the Irishman.
“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive,” replies Tiger.
“Aw, Jaysus, Mary an’ Joseph!” exclaimed the Irish attendant. “Those
fellas working for Buick think of everything!”
**
The Perfect Car
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the
perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up
right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. “Good day,
Madame. How may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?”
He answers, “Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to
***** when you hear the price.”
**
Special Dinner Menu Joke
Last week, I went on holiday to visit my aunt on her farm. On the first
day, one of her chickens died so we had chicken for dinner.
On the second day, one of her pigs died so we had pork for dinner.
On the third day, her husband died so I left before dinner.
**
Late Phone Call Blonde Joke
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2AM. The blonde wife
picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know,
that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
The husband asked, “Who was that?”
The wife said, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast
is clear’.”
**
Parking Ticket Joke
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5
minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, howabout giving a guy a
break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse
*****.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then
he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes,
the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn’t give a damn. My car was parked around the corner…
--
Fundies and trolls are cordially invited to
shove a wooden cross up their arses and rotate
at a high rate of speed. I trust you'll
be 'blessed' with a cornucopia of splinters.
.
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