On Mon, 04 Apr 2005 19:43:04 -0700, Frank J Warner
<warnerf@veriSPAMMERSDIEzon.net> wrote:

In article <cls151pdbq4b2uns0o8qpnbe3rm5r94ft3@4ax.com>,
<

A really intelligent, witty, independant, funny lady who likes old
movies, kids and motorcycles, who loves to laugh and who has a

be truly loved by a man with a need for a woman to love.
How does a widower go about dating?
Can a man who loved his wife of twenty-five years with all his

and soul ever fall in love again?
Can he do it without feeling he is somehow cheating on the one

love of his life?
And how could he do it without comparing every other woman he

her and hoping he can find someone like her?
A futile wish I suppose.
<And what's a futile wish other than an unanswered prayer
of sorts eh?>
I've just recently recognized the need for what it is.
It gets pretty lonely over here sometimes.
And drinking the beer and listening to Unchained Melody over and

isn't exactly helping.
I miss her so much...I really do..:-(
I just wonder if there is a chance that there is another woman

her out there?
I don't see how there could be.
I do wonder though.
I'll be better tommorrow and probably somewhat embarrassed for

posted this.
But if I could choose to spend an eternity in hell for one more

with her I would gladly do it.
Yes I would.
I really, really would.

atheist@home#1554

I can't snip any of your response.

There might be a way out of this. It's a slim hope, and no, I have
absolutely no experience with this kind of situation nor am I a
licensed therapist so you pays you money and you takes you chances.

But think for a moment if it had been you who died first. Forget the
obvious knowledge that you wouldn't freakin' care any more because
you'd be dead. Instead, think what you would have wanted your wife

do in your absence.

Would you have wanted her to sit around crying in her beer, afraid

live, afraid to be happy, bitching and moaning about the one lost

missing you so much she misses the world right outside her door?

Would you want her to sit home nights, or days, or any time, alone

miserable, comparing everyone who smiles at her to you and finding

wanting; second-rate versions of something she will never have

Or would you want her to move on, to grieve and to weep but to
eventually understand that nothing is permanent, and too much is
transitory to spend the rest of her life comparing everyone else to

ghost?

First off I have my step daughter and my beautiful four year old

daughter living with me so I'm pretty happy about that and not

around miserable most of the time.
But they are not going to be here forever and I know that.
And then I'll mostly be alone again.
These particular feelings are very new to me and I didn't expect to
have them.
I don't quite know what to make of it.
A year or so ago I bought a Corvette, jewlery and new clothes.
I tried to remake myself and honestly thought I would force myself to
go out and try to start over.
I was bored rather than lonely.
The timing was wrong.
The instrumentation was wrong.
The idea itself was wrong.
But now I think maybe I've come over an emotional hump.
And this thing of comparing every woman to my wife is also wrong.
Hell, those women out there don't even know I exist because I don't

out there introducing myself.
And I'll be damned if I know anything about any of them.
I was seeing this as a chore rather than an adventure.
<The world just outside my door>
Dating is supposed to be fun right?
<slaps head>
Idiot!

Sorry. I haven't got a clue. I've got a really good bottle of
California Chardonay on my desk, half gone, and a vintage you won't

in "Sideways," so my input is only as good as the alcohol content.

If that's the kind of input you have to offer after the intake maybe
you should drink more of it.
It really has helped along with the other couple of responses.

But then, we know all about that, don't we?

Too much sometimes.

Thanks,
You helped more than you know.

atheist@home#1554

On Mon, 04 Apr 2005 14:19:48 +0200, The Arch Atheist
<popeundercover@holysee.va> wrote:

On Mon, 04 Apr 2005 09:37:52 GMT,

How does a widower go about dating?

In much the same way as the rest of us :-)

How?

Can a man who loved his wife of twenty-five years with all his heart
and soul ever fall in love again?

Hey man! Rune here... undercover, y'know.

Hi'ya Rune :-)

Received some rather nasty
letters, phonecalls and e-mails and decided posting with full identity
wasn't worth being martyred over. Still, it shows you how far fundies
of all religions, especially muslims, are willing to go, even in a
peaceful backwater like Norway.

Geeze!
Nuts everywhere.
Were most of the offenders muslim?
Pretty scary.

Absolutely. You will love again, and it will be different. There is no
betrayal in that. You deserve to be happy. I'm sure your wife would
have agreed, eventually.

I was sort of thinking out loud.
And yes, I know she would have wanted me to move on.
I just don't know how to do it.

Can he do it without feeling he is somehow cheating on the one true
love of his life?

This is the big one. The only obsticle here is you. Chances are your
wife loved you so much she would have wanted you, and any kids you
have, to be happy, and well looked after. It is possible to fully love
more than one person in the course of a lifetime... though preferably
not at the same time. I am more happily in love now than ever before.

How is this one different?
Was there a moment of connection when you first met her?

And how could he do it without comparing every other woman he meets to
her and hoping he can find someone like her?
A futile wish I suppose.

That part of it, yes. You have to take people for what they are.
Changing someone pretty much never works, and isn't fair to the other
person. And it's not right for you, either.

I have a friend who introduced me to a woman who works with him and
she turned out to be pretty weird in the sense of those sixties flower
children who never grew up.
I've known a lot of weird, unpredicible and demanding women and that
sort of spooks me a bit.
I wonder how difficult it might be to find a woman who doesn't feel
she is taking possession of a man if he shows feelings of attachment?
I'm paranoid as hell :-)

<And what's a futile wish other than an unanswered prayer
of sorts eh?>
I've just recently recognized the need for what it is.
It gets pretty lonely over here sometimes.

I get you, amigo... I lived alone for several years, and with no job
to go at the time, it got pretty lonely... worse still is not having a
partner to confide in and support you. Support from others just isn't
the same as that of a good woman.

That's true.
I don't believe in "woman's intuition" but females can have a
perspective on things that a man does not.
I miss that as well.

I have my step daughter and grand daughter living with me and I love
it but still there is something missing.
I remember what it felt like when I first met my wife but I don't
expect I'll ever feel that again.
I suspect I just don't want to feel it if it's not her.
Loyalty beyond the grave.
Doesn't make any sense does it?

And drinking the beer and listening to Unchained Melody over and over
isn't exactly helping.

I don't know. As long as you're not torturing yourself, it can be
therapeutic to tap into those feelings.

It's not a crying in the beer thing.
I just popped a cd in without realizing the song was on it and it
started a flood of memories.
It reminded me of how good it feels to be in love.
I don't know how the dating thing works.
I don't know what women want in a man.
That's pretty common with guys in my circumstances.
There's also the fact that emotional attachments can very often be a
hindrance rather than a help.
I'm a coward when it comes to women :-)

I miss her so much...I really do..:-(

I can scarcily imagine the sensation of loss... you were together for
a year longer than I have been in existance.

It's a bit weird.
I sometimes watch home movies and for some reason it comforts me.
When she looks at the camera and laughs and talks it almost feels as
though she's still here.
Lol!
I may as well give it up.
I'll never meet anybody like her again.
I could work on a problem regarding human nature for two weeks without
being able to figure it out, finally go to her and say "What do you
think about this?" and she would know the answer immediately.
In exasperation I once asked her if she would be so kind as to at
least *act* as though she had to think about it for a while.
You wouldn't believe the different types of human beings who showed up
at her funeral and cried their hearts out.
Red, yellow, black and white, straight and gay, young and old, some in
thousand dollar business suits and some in baggy pants with faces
pierced in every available space.
And they seemed to come from everywhere.
She was unique!

I just wonder if there is a chance that there is another woman like
her out there?

Like her? That depends. You need a woman right for you. If by like her
you mean supportive, loving, honest, and all around wonderful person,
then certainly. But don't look for a woman who's like her. Open
yourself up to new experiences, and appreciate people's unique
characteristics. There are many ways of being compatible.

Good points.
Stop looking for *her*
It's not going to happen twice.
I'm sort of like the guy in the movie Sleepless In Seattle.
I don't have a clue as to how to do this.
Or whether I even have anything of interest to offer a woman.

I don't see how there could be.
I do wonder though.
I'll be better tommorrow and probably somewhat embarrassed for having
posted this.

Hehe... no worries, mate, I've poured my heart out here many a time
and remain unembarassed :-)

I'm embarrassed :-)

But if I could choose to spend an eternity in hell for one more moment
with her I would gladly do it.
Yes I would.
I really, really would.

Although religion is 99% ***** and fluff, there are philosophical
ponderings here and there that make sense... for instance, some
buddhists define "hell" not as purgatory and suffering but the absence
of happiness, and especially the loss of a close companion.

They certainly got that one right :-)
Thanks my friend.