http://slate.msn.com/id/2115254/
low concept Dubious and far-fetched ideas.
Important Changes to Your Citizenship Agreement
Please read and retain for your records.
By Evan Eisenberg
Posted Friday, March 25, 2005, at 4:19 AM PT
IMPORTANT NOTICE FOR U.S. CITIZENS ABOUT CHANGES TO YOUR CITIZENSHIP
AGREEMENT.
PLEASE READ AND RETAIN FOR YOUR RECORDS.
We would like to explain certain changes in the terms of the
Citizenship Agreement for your U.S. citizenship ("Agreement"). Some of
the terms in this notice may already be in effect on your account and
will not change. Any terms on your account not changed here remain in
effect until such time as we ("We") decide they do not.
To help you understand the changes in the terms of your Agreement, We
explain the most important changes in the Summary of New Terms below.
The changes described will take effect for citizenship cycles
beginning Jan. 20, 2005, and will apply to all existing and future
balances on your account.
SUMMARY OF NEW TERMS
SECTION 5
The Freedom of Speech section of the Agreement is amended to
distinguish between Regular Preferred Speech and Non-Preferred Speech.
The Non-Preferred Speech rate applies to all speech which is not in
good standing as defined under the "Preferred Citizen Rate
Eligibility" section of your Agreement. Both the rate and your freedom
of speech may vary based on changes in the National Terror Alert
Level.
SECTION 9
The Rates and Fees Table, including rates for personal and corporate
income tax, estate tax, Social Security tax, and all other Federal
taxes, levies, duties, and surcharges, remains unchanged, except that
it is to be read while being held up to a mirror.
SECTION 11
The Rule of Law section of the Agreement remains in effect, except
that it no longer applies to Us. It may also, from time to time, cease
to apply to Contributors above a certain level (see Schedule G,
attached).
SECTION 13
The Cruel and Unusual Punishment section of the Agreement is
unchanged, except that "unusual" is amended to read "unusual in
Texas."
SECTION 16
This amendment affects the Right to Privacy section of your agreement.
Under the new terms, the Right to Privacy must be applied for on an
individual basis. To apply for your Right to Privacy, you must send
your full credit history, a copy of your party registration and church
membership, a complete set of fingerprints, a DNA sample, and two (2)
passport-size photographs of your bedroom to: National Privacy
Registry, Washington, DC, 20012-3006, att: Doris.
SECTION 26
This amendment affects the Unreasonable Search and Seizure section of
the Agreement. Under the new terms of this section, the right to
unreasonable search and seizure shall not be abridged.
SECTION 43
In the section on Transaction Fees, the sentence "All drafts,
including convenience checks, cash advances, and balance transfers, on
citizenship accounts with a balance of less than $50,000 shall be
subject to a transaction fee of $50 or 3%, whichever is greater" is
amended to read "All citizens with an income of less than $50,000
shall be subject to a draft."
SECTION 47
The Social Security section of the Agreement is unchanged, except that
the program described will no longer be (a) social or (b) secure.
SECTION 53
The Right to Vote section of the Agreement is unchanged, since it
works perfectly fine as is.
SECTION 53a
On second thought, the Right to Vote section of the Agreement is
amended as follows: The voting cycle begins on Dec. 1 of the previous
year and continues through the last Wednesday in November of the
current year. Each vote cast will accrue finance charges beginning on
the date cast and compounded daily. Finance charges will equal the
highest Prime Rate published in the "Money Rates" table of the Wall
Street Journal on the last business day of each calendar month, plus
15.99%.
YOUR RIGHTS REGARDING THE CHANGES YOU CAN CHOOSE NOT TO ACCEPT:
The changes described above in this Notice that you can choose not to
accept will not become effective if you send Us a written letter
stating that you choose not to accept them, in which case your
Citizenship Agreement will be terminated and your Account will be
closed (if it is not already closed). Your letter must be received by
June 1, 2005, at the following address: Customer Service Center, J.
Edgar Hoover Building, 935 Pennsylvania Ave., NW, Washington DC
25035-0001. You will be required to pay your debt to society under the
previous terms of your Agreement.
PLEASE RETAIN THIS NOTICE FOR YOUR RECORDS.
Evan Eisenberg is the author of The Ecology of Eden and The Recording
Angel, which will be reissued this spring in an expanded edition.
©2005 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC
--
Contempt of Congress meter reading-offscale.
Hello, theocracy with a fundamentalist US Supreme
Court who will ensure church and state are joined
at the hip like clergy and altar boys.
America 1776-Jan 2001 RIP
Religion is the original war crime.
-Michelle Malkin (Feb 26, 2005)
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