"Therion Ware" <autodelete@city-of-dis.com> wrote in message
news:v3ksm0tj5je6gd94rlcdpvp12cve961agj@4ax.com...

Old Jokes' Home:

A man walks into a bar dressed as Shakespeare.

The barman says "Get Out - you're barred."

Waaah! I don't get it. :-(

On Thu, 14 Oct 2004 11:10:40 +0100, Therion Ware
<autodelete@city-of-dis.com> in news message
<v3ksm0tj5je6gd94rlcdpvp12cve961agj@4ax.com> wrote:

Old Jokes' Home:

A man walks into a bar dressed as Shakespeare.

The barman says "Get Out - you're barred."

Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggh! <disgusting throaty noises>

*****************************************************
Popbitch is taking a break next week.
We're back 27th October.
*****************************************************

"He had never ejaculated before he met
Rebecca Loos" - owner of Sam the Pig.

"I now know that was wrong and
apologise..." - David Beckham
-----------------------------------------------------
POPBITCH _ _ _
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|_| |_| 13.10.04 ISSUE 230
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com

Popbitch delivered to you thanks to Pure
http://www.pure360.com

* RIP: Christopher Reeve
* Mel B: gone but not forgotten
* Charts: Duncan James is the new number one
-----------------------------------------------------

Hardline Honeyz <<

The Popbitch Guide to Tasty Terrorists

1. Antar Zouabri, GIA leader 1996-2002

Tall, dark and handsome, this Algerian terrorist
sent shivers through all the girls, mainly
because of his habit of kidnapping, raping and
then killing them. A former chicken farmer, Antar
was somewhat unsentimental about humans. He
decided that everyone in Algeria was
insufficiently Muslim, so they had to die. Only
he and his tiny band of psychos would be allowed
to survive. Sadly for fans of Hardline Honeyz,
but luckily for Algeria, sexy Antar was killed in
a gun battle with security forces in Feb 2002.

"Do Blue Steel, Antar":
http://www.tkb.org/documents/Members/MEM22_zouabri.jpg

(FYI: More tasty terrorists - watch The Power of
Nightmares, starting Wed 20th October, BBC2, 9pm.)


-----------------------------------------------------
Puffy is looking for a new butler. He says he's keen
to be an equal opportunities employer so is looking
to be served by a white man.
-----------------------------------------------------

Ken: the album <<

The inevitable compilation

The music industry is alive with rumours
of a tribute album for tragic Ken Bigley.
The tracklisting is as follows:

Ferry Cross The Mersey - Gerry and the Pacemakers
One Night In Bangkok - Murray Head
Can't Buy Me Love - Beatles
Rock The Casbah - The Clash
Money Money Money - Abba
Caught Out There - Kelis
Let Me Go - Rancid
Pretty Tied Up - Guns N' Roses
Luck of the Irish - Lennon/Ono
Theme from The Great Escape - Elmer Bernstein
Back For Good - Take That
First Cut Is The Deepest - Cat Stevens
Oops Upside Your Head - Gap Band
The Head On The Door - The Cure

Bonus track -
Can't Stop This Thing We Started - Bryan Adams


-----------------------------------------------------
Julia Tatu's baby is called Vika Volkova.
(Obviously preparing for life as a Bond baddie...)
-----------------------------------------------------

Polaris nukes turkey-neck <<

Age-cheating witches embrace the laser

Now Botox has gone high street, celebrities
are turning to Polaris. A high-intensity
laser which tightens "skin laxity", it's
particularly good for those places where
Botox doesn't work, like the neck.

Our surgery spy tells us Kylie and Dannii,
Sadie Frost and Meg Mathews are all
among the early adopters.

So watch out for celeb ladies with redness
around the throat, as the treatment sometimes
takes a few days to die down. Luckily neck
scarves are fashionable this winter.

(FYI: New plastic surgery jargon -
Starlet Spec-Tits - actresses who get implants
for an important audition but have them removed
if they don't land the part.)


-----------------------------------------------------
Destiny's Child are refusing to let Beyonce be
photographed in the middle of the trio for all
press for their new album.
-----------------------------------------------------

Big Questions <<

What people are asking this week

Which US rap star do ladies love, but is
just about to move his male lover into his
apartment?

Which UK TV home improvement show expert likes
to pick up men in gay saunas but only goes
for foreign boys who don't speak much
English, so they'll be unable to out him?


-----------------------------------------------------
Darren Hayes bought an apartment last weekend in the
same building as the Olsen Twins and Monica Lewinsky
in Greenwich Village/Westside Highway area of NYC.
-----------------------------------------------------

RIP: Christopher Reeve jokes <<

Yes, we're going straight to hell

Now that Christopher Reeve is dead, it is also
time to say goodbye to the Christopher Reeve
jokes. So, for the last time:

Q: Which actor does Christopher Reeve most
want to be?
A: Christopher Walken.

Q: What's the difference between Christopher
Reeve and O.J. Simpson?
A: Christopher Reeve got the electric chair.

Q: What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A: Christopher Reeve in a house fire.

How to impress girls at your next party:
Place a dollar bill under your chin. With your
arms held stiffly at your sides yell out, "Hey
everybody, look at me! I'm Christopher Reeve
at a titty bar."

Q: What's got bright red underpants and flies.
A: Christopher Reeve.

Q: Why didn't Superman save the hostages in Iraq?
A: Because he's dead, and before that he was
in a wheelchair.


-----------------------------------------------------
A girl who went to David Walliams' house to have
sex with him backed out when he answered the door in
lilac pyjamas and brown silk dressing gown.
-----------------------------------------------------

Pawn Star <<

Mel B: more stupid than Moss

Poor Mel B. Her career over, all her
money taken by Jimmy Gulzar... you would
almost feel sorry for her, were it not
for the fact that she is such a vile cow.

A dinner guest at Mel B's mansion during
happier times reported that Mel had a
giant ornately-carved gold and wood chess
set in her living room.

While coming back from the toilet, the
guest spotted Mel's dog humping and
chewing one of the pawns.

"Don't worry,” said Mel. “It's only one
of the little pieces. I've got 16 of those."


-----------------------------------------------------
Snow Patrol's US tour manager is called Derek Fudge.
-----------------------------------------------------

The lion sleeps tonight... <<

Then is killed by giant gorilla-chimps

Scientists believe they have discovered a new
species of giant ape in the jungles of the Congo
which could be the result of gorillas mating
with chimpanzees. The apes have large black
faces and nest on the ground like gorillas but
eat mainly fruit, like chimps. Local villagers
say the two metre tall apes are so ferocious
they're capable of killing lions.


-----------------------------------------------------
Atlantic MD Korda Marshall (who signed Take That and
The Darkness) is tipped to be about to take over as
big boss of the new Warner Bros Records.
-----------------------------------------------------

More, More, More money, please <<

Rachel's team replaced by minions

Thanks to the efforts of 19 Management
and the breast-fixation of mens’ magazines,
Rachel Stevens remains the most heavily-
hyped artist in the UK.

But in reality she's making no money for her
record label. As a cost-cutting measure, they
recently had to let go her stylist, hairdresser
and choreographer, and then hire their
assistants to do the same job at a cheaper rate.


-----------------------------------------------------
A British embassy staffer who had to deal with
Elton's tantrums in Taiwan confirms that the
name on his passport is now...Elton Hercules John.
-----------------------------------------------------

Muezzin sings the blues <<

God is great, and so is BB King

Cairo is in uproar over plans to link up
all their mosques with wi-fi, so that there
is one call to prayer, rather than hundreds
of different ones.

At the same time, the no-fun hardliners in Saudi
Arabia want to force muezzins to sing in flat
monotones, rather than anything too “musical”.

The first muezzin was a black man, a former
slave called Bilal. Some music scholars argue
that the muezzin’s call to prayer is the root of
what eventually became the blues, thanks to the
mass migration of West African muslims to
southern states of America through slavery.

Muslims started the blues, honestly:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2004/08/15/INGMC85SSK1.DTL


-----------------------------------------------------
Nas is releasing a brilliant rap-blues track,
Bridging the Gap, with his Dad, jazz musician Olu
Dara. And Nas has a brother called ... Jungle.
-----------------------------------------------------

Tales of Circus Folk <<

Siegried and Roy get Smart

SM writes:
"A couple of years ago I was lucky enough to be
a judge at the World Poledancing Championships,
in Ealing. On the judging panel was silver-
haired Billy Smart, Britain's most famous
former circus proprietor.

"’Have you ever been to Las Vegas?" he asked
me as we watched the pole action. ‘Wonderful
city. You should go and see Siegfied and
Roy's show. It's marvellous.' Mr Smart then
paused for dramatic effect...'Matter of fact,"
he said, casually. 'I sold Siegfried an
elephant last week.'"

(FYI: Siegfried and Roy's compound was shot at in
a drive-by last week. A former Oakland Raiders
player Cole Ford the chief suspect. Ford is on
the run and described as "armed and dangerous.")


-----------------------------------------------------
Latest London celebrity-endorsed hotel is the
Holiday Inn, Mayfair. Both Bryan McFadden and
Delta Goodrem chose to stay there this week.
-----------------------------------------------------

Things to make you go hmmn <<

Lions, horses, bulls, penises

Nicky Hilton turns 21 this weekend, and is
celebrating with a trip to Las Vegas, naturally.
She and Nicole Richie were paid $15,000 to "DJ"
at American Express's launch of their New York
centric credit card last week. Which meant
they stood next to Mark Ronson while he
mixed the tunes.

Some lonely geek reviews his sex with a hooker:
http://www.punternet.com/frs/fr_view.php?recnum=27499

Rammstein rule Europe this week. New album Reise
Reise (Voyage Voyage) hit the top spot or
thereabout across the continent. Single Mein
Teil is featured on Resident Evil:Apocalypse and
the album gets a US release in November.

Heavy metal-meets-bellydancing:
http://www.metalgoddess.net/

We reported last week that Israeli bombs had
killed most of the animals at Qalqilya Zoo in
West Bank. Nice to see Israeli safari park
Ramat Gan near Tel Aviv are giving them
three lions (Jafer, Jaras and Naboko),
two zebra and a deer (names unknown) to
help rebuild the zoo.

Michelle Big Brother vile pornalike:
http://www.farmcum.com/movie/

Need a walking stick? Get one made from
a bull's penis:
http://www.fashionablecanes.com/bullorgan.htm

Chart Predictions <<

New entries for Sunday 17th October

++ Number One
DUNCAN AND KEEDIE I Believe My Heart
* Duncan once stole a pig's head from a butcher
in East Finchley to take the ***** out of
his mate who was on a diet.

++ Top Ten
MORRISSEY Let Me Kiss You
* Ended his NYC show on Sunday halfway through
the encore with the words "Boo to the
bouncers", after a scuffle broke out.

CLIFF RICHARD Somethin' Is Goin' On
* Has the number one DVD this week,
Castles In The Air.

ROOSTER Come Get Some

++ Top Twenty
KASABIAN Processed Beats
SCISSOR SISTERS Mary
* Mary is slang for an effeminate gay.
As is meatcock, apparently.

++ Top Forty
BEAUTIFUL SOUTH Livin' Thing
VELVET REVOLVER Fall To Pieces
* Slash has a top hat roadie at the side
of the stage during each live performance.

RHIAN BENSON Say How I Feel
VS Make It Hot

End Bit <<

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On Thu, 14 Oct 2004 11:10:40 +0100, Therion Ware <autodelete@city-of-dis.com>
wrote:

Old Jokes' Home:

A man walks into a bar dressed as Shakespeare.

The barman says "Get Out - you're barred."

Shakespeare replies "Two beers, or not two beers? That is the question"

On Thu, 14 Oct 2004 11:10:40 +0100, Therion Ware <autodelete@city-of-dis.com>
wrote:

Old Jokes' Home:

A man walks into a bar dressed as Shakespeare.

The barman says "Get Out - you're barred."

Shakespeare replies "Two beers, or not two beers? That is the question"