| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"stoney" |
| Date: |
03 Mar 2005 09:04:24 AM |
| Object: |
OT: Paris Hilton in Police Standoff |
http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s4i7289
Paris Hilton in Police Standoff
Written by Kevin Scrantz
"Fifty cents? FIFTY CENTS?!"
Hotel heiress and amateur porn performer Paris Hilton is reportedly in
a standoff with Los Angeles police following a crime spree that began
in the wilds of New Jersey where she was working on the Fox TV reality
show "The Simpletons."
Crew members report the alleged actress lost her temper after a
segment set to be filmed at a local elementary school was canceled
following complaints from several parents who felt Hilton set a "*****
poor" example for their children.
According to cameraman Zack Hart, "She went crazy, even more than she
usually is. We had the illegal carcass of a deer our producers paid
some local hicks to shoot out of season. We were all set to film Paris
and Nicole gutting it. They were really excited about doing it and
everything was going great. Then we got word the school segment was
canceled and Paris threw one of her hissy fits."
Cape May County police say Hilton, one of the world's most celebrated
wastes of space, gutted series co-star Nicole Richie instead when
Richie attempted to calm her. While stunned crew members watched,
Hilton, draped in Ritchie's entrails, drove off in a catering truck.
Richie, a former heroin addict, was transported to a local hospital
where she was later released on her own recognizance after staff
caught her sucking morphine from empty vials in the intensive care
unit.
Hilton returned to Los Angeles in the stolen truck where she was
caught on a security camera covered in dried blood and still wearing
her grisly trophy while shoplifting tabloid magazines at a West
Hollywood newsstand that was also selling copies of the pornographic
video she starred in.
A newsstand employee says Hilton was enraged at seeing her video
marked down to fifty cents, and told him she was stealing it.
After absconding with the video and several tabloids featuring her
face, Hilton sped away in the same stolen truck, recklessly running
over several pedestrians. Witnesses say she never stopped.
Police were able to trace the vehicle to a rock in Topanga Canyon
Hilton is believed to be hiding under. The standoff, which began two
days ago, nearly ended after officers threw tear gas beneath the rock
and reportedly heard coughing, but as of press time, Hilton still had
not emerged.
Now they are reportedly bringing in highly trained counselors
specializing in dealing with the mentally challenged to talk her into
surrendering.
Law enforcement officials admit they've made no progress ending the
siege, but are in no particular hurry.
"She can come out, or we can wait until she starves and then go in
after her carcass. It's all the same to us."
When contacted for a statement, Hilton's publicist Flo Mahoney claimed
she had no idea who Paris Hilton was.
The story as represented above is written as a satire or parody. It is
fictitious.
Copyright © 2003 TheSpoof.com
--
Contempt of Congress meter reading-offscale.
Hello, theocracy with a fundamentalist US Supreme
Court who will ensure church and state are joined
at the hip like clergy and altar boys.
America 1776-Jan 2001 RIP
Religion is the original war crime.
-Michelle Malkin (Feb 26, 2005)
.
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| User: "Frank J Warner" |
|
| Title: Re: OT: Paris Hilton in Police Standoff |
03 Mar 2005 12:22:11 PM |
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In article <po9e215ip8p8oru2irjca4all18u72v5a3@4ax.com>, stoney
<stoney@the.net> wrote:
http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s4i7289
Paris Hilton in Police Standoff
Written by Kevin Scrantz
"Fifty cents? FIFTY CENTS?!"
snip story
My favorite bit of Paris Hilton trivia:
After Rolling Stone featured her in its End-of-the-Year
People-of-the-Year issue (December, 2004), a reader wrote the following
love letter:
"I have taken dumps that are more interesting than Paris Hilton."
(Brian Ellis, Alexandria, VA)
So true. So true.
Even the video sucked. (No pun intended.)
-Frank
--
fwarner1-at-franksknives-dot-com
Here's some of my work:
http://www.franksknives.com/
.
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